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PLEASE see the updated version of this post at An open letter to pastors {a non-mom speaks on Mother’s Day} at The Messy Middle. This one is closed for comments, but that one is open and I’d love to hear from you.
It also includes resources for pastors and a chance to sign up for my quarterly newsletter. Please do not subscribe on this page but at The Messy Middle. I didn’t realize this page was still active 🙂 … but with over 40,000 hits today, I’m glad to be wrong!
I’ve also written 10 ideas for pastor’s on Mother’s Day and you can get The Wide Spectrum on Mothering in PDF.
Thanks for stopping by. Amy
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Dear Pastor,
Tone can be tricky in writing. Picture me popping my head in your office door, smiling and asking if we could talk for five minutes. I’m sipping on my diet coke as I sit down.
You know that I’m not one to shy away from speaking my mind, part of the reason you love me (mostly!), so I’m guessing that internally you brace yourself wondering what might be next.
I set my can down and this is what I’d say.
A few years ago I sat across from a woman who told me she doesn’t go to church on Mother’s Day because it is too hurtful. I’m not a mother, but I had never seen the day as hurtful. She had been married, had numerous miscarriages, divorced and was beyond child bearing years. It was like salt in mostly healed wounds to go to church on that day. This made me sad, but I understood.
Fast forward several years to Mother’s Day. A pastor asked all mothers to stand. On my immediate right, my mother stood and on my immediate left, a dear friend stood. I, a woman in her late 30s, sat. I don’t know how others saw me, but I felt dehumanized, gutted as a woman. Real women stood, empty shells sat. I do not normally feel this way. I do not like feeling this way. I want no woman to ever feel this way in church again.
Last year a friend from the States happened to visit on Mother’s Day and again the pastor (a different one) asked all mothers to stand. As a mother, she stood and I whispered to her, “I can’t take it, I’m standing.” She knows I’m not a mother yet she understood my standing / lie.
Here’s the thing, I believe we can honor mothers without alienating others. I want women to feel welcome, appreciated, seen, and needed here in our little neck of the body of Christ.
- Do away with the standing. You mean well, but it’s just awkward. Does the woman who had a miscarriage stand? Does the mom whose children ran away stand? Does the single woman who is pregnant stand? A.w.k.w.a.r.d.
2. Acknowledge the wide continuum of mothering.
To those who gave birth this year to their first child—we celebrate with you
To those who lost a child this year – we mourn with you
To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food stains – we appreciate you
To those who experienced loss this year through miscarriage, failed adoptions, or running away—we mourn with you
To those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears, and disappointment – we walk with you. Forgive us when we say foolish things. We don’t mean to make this harder than it is.
To those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms – we need you
To those who have warm and close relationships with your children – we celebrate with you
To those who have disappointment, heart ache, and distance with your children – we sit with you
To those who lost their mothers this year – we grieve with you
To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own mother – we acknowledge your experience
To those who lived through driving tests, medical tests, and the overall testing of motherhood – we are better for having you in our midst
To those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year – we grieve and rejoice with you
And to those who are pregnant with new life, both expected and surprising –we anticipate with you
This Mother’s Day, we walk with you. Mothering is not for the faint of heart and we have real warriors in our midst. We remember you.
3. Commend mothering for the ways it reflects the Imago Dei (Image of God) by bringing forth new life, nurturing those on her path, and living with the tension of providing both freedom and a safety net.
I know I might be an unusual one to be speaking about Mother’s Day; but maybe that’s why so many talk to me about mothering, I’ve got the parts, just not the goods. Thanks for listening and for continuing to mother us in a shepherding way. Even though I’m a bit nervous to come on Sunday, I will be here. But if you make us stand, I might just walk out =).
Warmly and in your corner,
Amy
JoDee said:
I am so with you friend. I didn’t really struggle with this holiday until the past couple of years, but I have been thinking about not going this year…for all of the above. And I think how silly of me, but well, most people just don’t get it.
Amy said:
JoDee, go 🙂 … but it’s OK to have a back up plan too!
Linda Harlow said:
Just read your post on FB…really appreciated it!! I have family members that have had miscarriages and know first hand how hard the loss is on them. I’m a mother of 4 and a grandmother of 9 with another one on the way. I wish everyone could have the blessing of having that experience but realize that sometimes is just not to be. Another issue that I deal with and sooo many others as well is being a divorcee. This world is geared for couples and church is no different. It’s hard sometimes to deal with but just have to ask God for strength. Thanks again for your post.
Bob Johnson said:
If people followed Christ and stopped being so self indulged and happy for others then this would not even be worth the ink here. There is nothing ok with this. Church is not about being politically correct or serving our needs- Scripture shows it’s to worship God and grow in Him and the example of Christ. Shame on all of you for complaining an crying about mothers being recognized and YOU are just now… get over it or get counseling…. pitiful
les ferguson jr said:
Bob. Shame on you. if you have the capicity. After reading your comments, I have my doubts. I have been a preacher since I was 15. I have a BA in Bible and an MA in NT preaching. I am 51 years old. I have preached a Mother’s Day sermon every year. But i get this pain. Not going to church today. Cant bear the pain of watching my children hurt through a service like that. My seven year old has already been crying this morning. His mother–my wife–and his brother–my son were murdered–brutally executed by a church member where I preached at the time. He was there. And this after my handicapped deceased son was raped multiple times. So do you want to tell me how wrong or whiney I am? There is a way to be balanced and your words are not it. if you doubt my words, google my name. I dare you.
Bob Johnson said:
Les, your degrees don’t impress but clearly you try… MS Theology, MBA and MS in Health here…. they have nothing to do with my salvation. However, whining about Mother’s being recognized is immature and narcissistic, period. You don’t need any degree to see that….
Les Ferguson, Jr. said:
Bob, not trying to impress you at all. However, you are really impressing me. Are you truly that callous? I didn’t whine. Wasn’t going to whine, etc. But maybe a little empathy on your part would go a long way… What would you have told a little boy yesterday who was missing his mother? What would you have said when he came to you about sending a helium balloon to heaven? What would you have told me as my heart broke over my children’s pain? I am not trying to be snotty or snarky. But this is real life for us. A trusted, beloved church member raped my handicapped son multiple times. He came back on our 24th wedding anniversary and murdered him and my wife. My seven year old watched his mother fight for the hatchet and gun the guy brought. No, I am not whining, but yesterday was particularly emotional and hard. The people who truly love me and my boys were more than happy to mourn with us yesterday. Your attitude as expressed in this forum is what was hardest after our tragedy. I hope and pray you never experience the pain we live everyday.
May God bless you, Les
Les Ferguson, Jr. said:
Scott, thank you for exhibiting the Spirit of Christ… Your words are some of the most hateful I have ever heard. I have never blamed anybody else. I wanted to kill him. I promise you that. As for you, I am not going to react the way I want to with every fiber of my being. Have a blessed day.
Scott W said:
I’m sorry. It was unkind, wasn’t it?
Tammy said:
Oh, please, BOB, your letters after your name does nothing to improve your view. NO ONE — absolutely NO ONE — on here who agrees with Amy’s view is suggesting to stop recognition of mothers on Mother’s Day. Did anyone READ the letter??? Her request was simply to NOT have the mothers stand. PERIOD. There are so many other ways to recognize mothers. In our church yesterday, a very nice statement was made about Mother’s Day and I quote: “Let’s all give all mothers a round of applause.” Then every woman (and some little girls) was given a carnation on her way out. Those who chose to not applaud for whatever reason could do so without being singled out; those who chose not to accept a carnation (or simply walked by without getting one) were likewise not singled out.
Your are correct, sir, that the letters of your degrees have nothing to do with your salvation. However, as the Bible states in Matthew 7:15: “17 So every good tree bears good fruit, but the bad tree bears bad fruit.” Part of that GOOD FRUIT is showing compassion and understanding on those who may be hurting. Think about this: If Christ knew that by having mothers stand during a service would cause pain, discomfort, hurt, humiliation to others, would He continue the practice? If Christ thought the seemingly simple gesture of having mothers stand would alienate some of His followers to not want to attend on a particular Sunday, would He continue the practice? There are numerous ways to honor mothers without having them put on display by standing.
Bottom line — from what I read, not one single person who agreed with Amy said to do away with Mother’s Day and just pretend it’s any other day. The overwhelming agreement was to not have mothers stand up, thereby leaving other women sitting. That was it!! Why is that concept sooooo difficult for people to understand?? Yes, others who made comments said differently, but NOT Amy.
You obviously worked hard to get all those letters behind your name. What if you worked and worked and worked, but when it came time to hand out those diplomas, they said, oops, sorry, you don’t get it — you just wasted 4,10,15 (whatever!) years of your life going to school; however, all you get is your high school diploma. No matter how much longer you go to school, you will NEVER get an MA, MS, MBA, so you might as well stop trying and get on with your life. Pull up your “big girl panties,” get a grip and go stand in line for a fast food job, ’cause that’s your lot in life. Besides, there are more important things to worry about in life than whether or not you have a degree. Oh, and don’t bother whining about, because then you’re just being immature and narcissist; and a Christian-wimp because you’re not accepting the life God has given you.
Amy said:
Bob, Scott and Les — you are all welcome to comment here (as long as it remains civil). Les, I’m truly sorry for the loss you and your family have experienced. The word “awful” doesn’t even come close to what happened! But, dear men, we have reached the end of this thread of conversation. I don’t want to have to close comments on this post, but the conversation in this thread has gotten a bit off topic. Thank you for visiting and participating, I really mean that — we are better when we can communicate differing views in civil and God honoring ways. I fear we are getting a bit off on both areas :), so I’m blowing the whistle and asking you to move along. Thanks, Amy
Les Ferguson, Jr. said:
Amy, my apologies. I never meant to do anything but defend those who were/ are hurting. Truthfully, I needed to hear what you said a long time ago. I did feel violated in a way by the caustic hateful comments–at least as I perceived them. I tried to not come across mean spirited. Where I failed, I ask for your grace and forgiveness.
Thank you for your goodness.
Les
Amy said:
Les, no worries! I just meant I was blowing that whistle on that thread. Please continue on other ones. You have a lot to offer us and we welcome you. Amy
Bob Johnson said:
Rick, Your assumption was wrong unfortunately. My wife died from a malignant brain tumor before we could have children (#don’t assume). She was a strong Christian and loved it when mothers were recognized on Mother’s Day in churches. I am thankful my church still does it and glad most still do. If such services bother women they can, one Sunday a year, attend elsewhere or don’t attend. I admit I have been overly harsh on this but there ARE more important issues and as Christians we should put others before ourselves. If we do that then we would recognize the mothers and move on (#Max Lucado, “It’s Not About You.”). Get real, it IS only one service, one recognition per. year in this country.
Bob Johnson said:
Scott, Les should not take revenge on these people. A crime against criminals is no solution and in the long-run brings no satisfaction, no resolution, no peace. And Les, I am sorry for your pain and tragedy there, I am.
John said:
How about he just says ‘whoever had a mother stand’. Then EVERYONE will feel involved and warm fuzzies. (but nobody will truly be encouraged either)
Lee-Lee Stoddart said:
Everyone has had a birth mother at some point, but not everyone has been mothered. For those that have experienced abuse, neglect, abandonment or estrangement this could still be painful wording.
Marlyn said:
My pastor asks us to stand in memory of or honor of our mother.
PM said:
sick…everyone accepts all of you as mother …thats ur own selfish pride.
Derek Krogh said:
Some people need to learn how to rejoice with/for others. It is 1 day a year. Grow up.
Chris said:
Derek-
I understand your sentiment! How can people not rejoice in the joy of their sisters?
Well, unfortunately, that sentiment denies the very real (albeit unintentional) pain that these celebrations can cause people. It can cause people – men and women, mothers and former mothers and people who lost mothers – legitimate emotional pain. I’m not in the ministry to hurt people.
In the end, it comes down to taking people’s lives, their stories, their feelings, seriously. We have to take these people seriously, respect that their experiences are real. Otherwise, we’re causing active harm through thoughtless sentimentality. That don’t preach.
ellnie said:
Derek,
Clearly, you have not grown up. I hope you do so, and soon.
Peter Connolly said:
Derek,
Such a heartless, insensitive response.
Tammy Terihay said:
I agree. Why would anyone want to take my celebration of being a mother away from me. I’m proud to stand because I raised my daughter to be a strong, independent woman and I did it alone. I’m sorry not everyone got to experience what I did, but please don’t try to guilt me into being ashamed of being a mother.
JLS said:
Rejoicing with others and quietly suffering the loss of a child are completely different issues. I am happy for those who have children, and very thankful for my own mother and mother-in-law, but Mother’s Day is extremely painful for me. Please be a bit more compassionate.
Amm said:
Derek you heartless guy. How dare you speak like that your not a woman you don’t know how it feels to lose a child or to be unable to have a baby.
Please keep your comments to yourself.
This is definitely not what our precious Jesus would say to a hurting woman.
Before writing please remember W.W.J.D.
ANewson said:
Pretty sure the biblical instruction is to mourn with those who mourn, not expect those who are hurting to rejoice with those for whom everything is going well.
Amy said:
Good point.
MK Hunt said:
Derek, you are cruel and insensitive and so un-Christlike. How about the women who have had miscarriages and stilbirths, and still sorrow about that?
lfergusonjr said:
thank you… I am amazed at how insenitive people like Derek seem to be…. what would you say to my 7 year old and my 16 year old whose mother and brother were brutally executed (the right word when you know the story) by a church member where I preached at the time? How should they not be so sensitive? Seriously? I will be at church this Sunday, but I dread it… From my perspective, honor Mom”s, but try to do so in a way that does’nt cause more damage to anybody. I say the same thing about any situation where honor is due–just be aware–everybody is not in the same place. Remember Paul”s words—all things to all people…
Hannah said:
Agreed Derek! Last year our church had everyone stand the was female and I wasn’t a mom, this year I am one. And I feel it’s less special seeing every woman stand. I understand it can hurt some people, but I appreciate my mother and strive to be like her now that I’m a mother. And it IS to be celebrated. Having had family who cried when they found I was pregnant and they aren’t showed me that selfish human nature can’t look past their own hurt to rejoice in others joy and accomplishment.
Scott said:
Derek, it’s not about failing to rejoice with someone or making those who are “more fortunate” feel guilty for being more fortunate. I agree that the stand-if-you’re-a-mom thing can honor some women, but that’s hardly the ONLY way to honor them, and perhaps not the best way to honor them, if it ends up alienating others. You might call it immaturity, but until you’ve walked a mile in their moccasins, maybe you should reserve the self-righteous judgment for another time.
Bob Johnson said:
Derek, Absolutely-I agree……cry me a river over my mother being recognized in church when some may not have because they don’t have children (please….). Pull up your big-girl panties, get a grip and quit crying…. Christian-wimps, there are more important things!
Bob Johnson (@Tebob2) said:
Why do some women who have no children resent Mother’s Day? I have no children and have never resented Father’s Day, they are good holidays. Recognizing mothers and fathers, it’s a good thing and nothing for us to be defensive about. Jesus and (as far as we know) the Disciples had no earthly children and they were certainly effective. They didn’t complain about it. I didn’t serve in the war and think it’s great when the military is recognized in church on July 4th and Veterans Day. I think all this defensiveness is just a waste of time….just saying
Amy said:
Hi Bob, I don’t resent mother’s day — I just want to broaden it 🙂
Laurie said:
I never RESENTED Mother’s Day — it was just another painful reminder of what I couldn’t have as I walked for 6 years through infertility. (Later remedied by adoption, joyful to say!)
Kirsten said:
Umm, Bob, did you read the post? I can’t imagine that you must have. It is extremely painful to so desperately want to be a mother just to find out after nearly a decade of trying to get pregnant or adopt that it’s just not going to happen. It’s painful to go to events that celebrate that nearly everyone else gets to do the one thing that you will never get. Maybe you should go back and re-read the post. Maybe then you’ll understand. I don’t resent Mother’s Day. I resent the fact that others use it to make me feel bad about something that hurts enough already.
Amy said:
(I kind of wondered too. Thanks Kristen)
Dawn Hendrix said:
Bob, I don’t resent Mother’s Day either but your callous attitude is sickening. If someone has strong feelings and actually avoids worshiping with their congregation because of something that is easily changed (while still honoring the traditional role of the mother) to be less painful, why isn’t that a good idea?
CMurphy said:
Maybe there is not resentment, more of a sense of loss. Or perceived inadequacy. Or just the overwhelming desire to Mother another human. Men are much more capable of dealing with these feelings since there physical obligations leave at conception. The emotional attachment is still there, as well as a sense of duty. But not the biological need to foster, feed and care for. Cave man mentality, I admit but true nonetheless.
Pam said:
Dear Bob, You are a man and you’ll never get it. I AM a mother, a sister, an aunt, a niece, a granddaughter and a friend and I get it. YOU will never feel the empty that a lost or never received child would cause you to feel. But no matter if a woman has or does not have a child, she feels and can understand that loss; not quite as much as one of those that is experiencing that but it’s there. A man will never “get it”.
Peggy said:
Bob, I think it’s different for women than for men who have not had children. Our emotional and physical makeup is such that we were made to bear children and there can be a very real ache and void for a woman who, not by choice, is childless. Amy has written a very heartfelt and even upbeat letter about a very difficult subject for many women. You don’t have to understand…however your second response about the ACLU, restrictions, and whining was insentsitive and very unattractive for a man who makes any claim to being “Christian”. Shame on you.
Marie11a said:
I understand that Bob is not popular for what he said, but he’s right. I am a mom, but I would feel the same way even if I wasn’t. There are so many legitimate concerns in the world today, why waste time on complaining about a pastor asking moms to stand on Mother’s Day? Really? Do you fret when the pastor asks visitors to stand? What about all the regulars sitting there? Do they feel “left out?” While I “get” that some women might feel uncomfortable if they’ve always wanted kids but can’t have them, or have lost their children, etc., there is no way to cushion everyone from hurt in life. As my example above points out, it starts to border on the ridiculous if you start to put conditions on certain things based on “someone might feel awkward.” Life is awkward. Get over it. Otherwise I think you need to start a movement to just have Mother’s Day abolished. That would fix the problem.
Aaron Jackson said:
Hi Bob,
Firstly I am a male and as much as I would love to have children I don’t have any and I too don’t resent Father’s Day. I think both of them are a great opportunity to show how much we love our parents. But I feel that the situation is different for women. Women are continually exposed to the expectation that they will have children and while much of this comes from ‘the world’ a lot more of it comes from their own family, friends and even the church. Girls are given dolls (their own baby) when they are very young, they learn to mimic their mothers, they’re taught to protect their anatomy for that purpose (consider the typical responses to representations of either gender being hit in the genitals, one results in anger on the part of the viewer, the other with hilarity), they are constantly told “You’ll make a good mother.” and when in their 20’s and 30’s they are continually asked when they are going to have children. These are things that we as men never have laid on our shoulders. So when a woman is highlighted (by selection or omission) by her inability to be a mother it can over time result in resentment and a lot of hurt.
Personally I feel that mother’s day and father’s day for that matter should be a less public affair (including making it a big deal at church) and something that is between the child and parent but I agree with Amy’s desire to recognise that this is a difficult time for those who aren’t mothers and that through our own thoughtlessness we shouldn’t be sticking the knife into those who are already hurting about this subject.
OhioKBell said:
You are totally missing the point Bob. Women are taught from a young age, “be fruitful and multiply.” We are taught that motherhood is the most revered of all jobs on earth. Many of us try repeatedly, through painful medical procedures and any other way on earth, to achieve what comes so easily to most women. Yet we are unsuccessful and unfulfilled. Never to celebrate Mother’s Day, but to only be reminded again, how we are not Mothers and never will be. There’s no “defensiveness,” there is sadness and heartbreak for many of us, and perhaps you could be a little more understanding…just saying.
Emily said:
Hi Bob, I don’t think this is about resentment or defensiveness. Mother’s Day is a very painful topic for a lot of women, which I think the article above points to. Many women long to be mothers, but cannot, for so many reasons. Maybe they are unable to conceive after years of trying, or they are unable to carry a baby to term and have experienced the agony of losing a child they carry in their womb. Or maybe they are still single, as their fertile years pass by. Or maybe they have a child who passed away, or ran away – the list goes on. Typically Mother’s Day does nothing to acknowledge these women and the myriad of emotions they may carry (grief, pain, hope, despair…), rather it glosses over their pain and blithely celebrates those women for whom mothering has been easier and more successful. I don’t think it would take away from the celebration and recognition mothers do, indeed, deserve, to acknowledge the difficulties this day presents for so many women.
Anna said:
The tone of this post was not at all defensive or whiny or attention seeking, as you have asserted. This is about motherhood- all forms of motherhood. If a woman has experienced the pain of miscarriage or infertility, wanting desperately to partake in the joys of mothering a child, it makes sense to offer some comfort (and not reinforce the inadequacy, failure, and loss she likely already feels.) Really, if people aren’t finding refuge in the bride of Christ, then we as a church are failing. I urge you towards sensitivity in this- so many women have experienced miscarriage (1 in 4), and your words are hurtful.
Trish said:
The fact that you don’t understand or relate to the emotions many women feel surrounding this day doesn’t make them invalid. I would ask that you exercise some sensitivity in acknowledging that you don’t struggle, but others might. Rejoice with those who rejoice, but also mourn with those who mourn. It is fine that you don’t feel the same way, but don’t belittle or dismiss things just because you can’t relate or understand.
AmyLou said:
Marie11a—Well said!
A few years ago, I had this yearning for yet another child. Why?? I had three beautiful children already, was a losing my mind, another baby??? I didn’t understand this want, which became so bad that I started to become depressed. So we started to complete paperwork for adoption and this feeling inside of me was just going to have to go away cause we weren’t getting pregnant and I knew that my season on child bearing was over although I was only in my early thirties. Something I had not done before was give this feeling to God. I began to pray fervently for God to help me deal with it. Guess what, He did! It wasn’t over night, but over a period of months. And come Mother’s Day I wasn’t feeling like the inadequate woman for not having a child in my womb after three years of wanting another baby. I wasn’t scowling at the mothers to be, because how DARE they be pregnant when i couldnt be!!! Child or no child are we not to be content with the blessing we have and don’t have? Married or not, are we not to be content?? Blind, deaf, missing limbs, are we not to be content??? Do you not know God knows our pain, our fears our wants and desires? He wants us to find comfort in him despite our circumstances. Depression when I wasn’t seeking God and relief and comfort when I was. Maybe that’s what we need to focus on-what God’s plan is for us and finding peace in that instead of focusing on not getting to stand on a specific day.
Craig Watts said:
If there is anything less appropriate than Mothers Day in church, it is patriotic celebration that lead to things like a special recognition for veterans. I have nothing against veterans. My family is full of them. But in church we are all one i Christ, without regard to nation, race or class. Nowhere is the divisions of the world more apparent than when the military of one nation faces the military of another. We need to pray for all in harm’s way but give no special recognition to any.
Brandy said:
Bob,
Your comments are insensitive and hurtful. Firstly, no one is saying that we shouldn’t honor mothers. She is saying, we need to remember those who are hurting. Those of us who’ve buried our mothers far too early, those of us who cannot have children, and those of us who have loved children as our own only to have that love vilified by their birth mother, foster parents who have those children taken away to be reunited with their birth parents, etc. This holiday is incredibly painful for me – as a woman whose mother is dead and as a woman who is medically unable to have children. We are conditioned from a VERY early age that we will raise a family of our own, and the loss we fill when that doesn’t come to fruition for myriad reasons is very real. To tell us that we are “whining” is incredibly short-sighted. The author of this article did a very beautiful job of conveying what so many of us feel. We don’t want to diminish the value of mothers. In fact, my disdain for the holiday actually makes me encourage others to enjoy and value their mothers EVERY day, not just a commercialized holiday.
I pray that you will become more sensitive to the plight of others – especially those who do not understand.
Curt Zimmerman said:
Bob, we males will never be able to fully know the experience of women – just fact, as women will never fully know the experience of males. I expect part of the problem is that for so long females were socialized that they grew up, got married, bore children. Men were socialized to get a job and make money, then probably marry and possibly have children. But the women really raised them. Hopefully such expectations are changing.
Rick said:
Bob,
I’m assuming that your not being a father is a matter of choice, as probably was your not having served in the military. Otherwise, your analogies just don’t work. Unless you have a deep desire to father a child and are unable to do so either because of the inability to find a compatible partner, or because of infertility, I don’t see how you can possibly understand the profound sadness this produces in a woman.
I see that you reference Jesus in your comment. Somehow, I can’t imagine Jesus, when faced with a person who was in turmoil and pain, saying that their concerns were illegitimate and “a waste of time.” … Just saying.
Maggie said:
As I read through the comments, I came upon one with my email address. It didn’t make any sense in relation to this topic and was not put there by me. If you saw it and wondered what on earth was going on with me….it was not me. I hate people taking liberties with others’ computer email addresses. So, If you saw it…please know that I didn’t send it. Had no comment on this topic in mind, thus didn’t send.
Emily said:
@Marie11a and AmyLou – I think your are missing the point completely. The problem is *not* feeling awkward or feeling jealous. It is so much vastly more significant and valid than that. I am having a hard time understand why you seem to not be able to see that – did you read the post? (I’m not trying to be snarky, I’m truly mystified.) If either of you had experienced what it’s like to have ZERO children when you want them (having 3 and wanting more is painful but not the same) – or have had a child die, either in the womb or beyond – or had recently lost your own mother – etc. – I hope you would be more sensitive. In the future please refrain from assigning emotions such as “feeling awkward” or “jealousy” to people who are suffering.
Christopher said:
Thanks for your comments Amy. I’ve taken them to heart, and my wife and I have discussed them.
I suggest we broaden other holidays instead. May we leave mother’s day for the mom’s? Due to what I perceive as so many people feeling un-appreciated and left out, I fear that we can’t celebrate any particular group, person, or sacrifice anymore.
For instance, at our church this year, I’d like to celebrate and honor moms. My heart does go out for and I’m saddened about the miscarriages, infertility, and singleness of women who would rather not be in those situations, yet it seems I have to bow to the rules of submitting to the minority insecurities. This year we are giving a rose to all women over 18 years old to accommodate those who feel left out. Yes, all moms will get a rose, as well as every woman who wanted to be a mom, or didn’t want to be a mom. What we’ve done in trying to accommodate everyone to “broaden” mother’s day is turned it into “Woman’s Day.”
Keep in mind, I accepted this suggestion and made the change at our church, but I can’t help but feel that I cheapened the honor due to the countless mom’s who have sacrificed so much for the insecurities of the few of different situation.
I suggestion we don’t broaden Mother’s Day, but honor mom’s and encourage our Christian brothers and sisters to take joy in others triumphs, considering others better than themselves. Yet, we can increase our love for others by celebrating Single Parent’s Day on March 21st by changing the oil in the cars for all single parents in our household. Raise infertility awareness and honor those who couldn’t have children by joining the movement known as “National Infertility Awareness Week” on April 21-27th. And for those spouses who chose to remain childless, there’s still Valentine’s Day.
I think we can honor & support everyone in our congregations without broadening “Mother’s Day” into “Women’s Day.”
Paul said in 1 Cor 12:18 “But in fact God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be.” and again in Philippians 4:12 “I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.” I desire to have my flock be able to rejoice with those people who are a different part of the body of Christ than them without the feelings of isolation, despair, and depression that could be absent on this joyous holiday of focusing on others.
On the slightly comical side. Many men wish that we could have the same experience of care , intimacy, bonding, and nurturing with a child that women have from pregnancy, delivery, and feeding those children, but alas, we’ll never get the chance! I myself have been envious of her sacrifice and closeness with the baby that I can’t have! I wonder if any father’s struggle with Mother’s Day envy? Maybe we should give the adult males a rose too?
In the end, while I am saddened at my final decision to honor all women over 18 at our church this Sunday so that none feel left out, that’s what we feel like would keep the most peace among all the women. Paul also said in Ephesians 4 “2 Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. 3 Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.”
And that’s what we’ll do this Sunday, keep the peace.
Amy said:
Christopher, so many good thoughts here, I’m sorry I won’t be able to reply to them all. I think we’d enjoy sitting down and having a good chat! I don’t think I’m advocating for such a broad definition of motherhood that it’s confused with womanhood. Having lived through plenty o’women’s day in China (forever I’ll remember March 8th), that’s not what I’m hoping for in the church :). And I think you might enjoy my letter to pastors for Father’s Day — I get the envy, it has gotten a mere pittance of the hits this mother’s day one has. Stop by the Messy Middle tomorrow where I’ll have ten ideas for pastors. Blessings to you and your wife! Amy
MK Hunt said:
Bob, You are cruel and insensitive and so unChristlike! My best friend had many miscarriages (as did I, and I had cancer and surgery preventing pregnancy) and she had two still births. We are in our 60’s. We still sorrow over those lost little ones. It has nothing to do with being grown up. You are a man…and would never understand.
Pennyu said:
Women are known to biblically find more of their identity in mothering. If you were robbed of your ability to perform your work or work of any kind and they had everyone who is “able to work” and “to bring value and worth into the world by their work” to stand, would you enjoy stating that you are not able to bring this value into the world? Maybe you will say it wouldn’t bother you, but if you open your mind you will see what I am getting at.
Pennyu said:
The mothering gene is in all women I believe and is seed of sacrifice and giving. We need our hugs and a hand to show appreciation. As nice as a round of applause and a flower may seem, it is a poor replacement for hugs, thank yous, a helping hand, a smile, tears, talks and thoughtfulness from those close to us. Can do without all the fanfare and just give real love. Mothers would not want one heart broken for their sake. Mothers should teach their children so. Standing up is the only part of mother’s day in question here, not celebrating it, so let’s not be silly. 🙂
tracey said:
Bob (and Derek elsewhere on the thread) ~ I’m not going to waste my time trying to explain the pain of being childless, which my husband and I are, since you haven’t yet demonstrated the ability to understand any type of grief and longing. What I will say — to touch on Derek’s point — is that we childless women rejoice with others blessed with children ALL THE TIME. We come to family gatherings and play with your kids and dote on your kids and love your kids and sometimes cry all the way home in private so that you don’t see our pain of not having kids. We love you and your kids too much to be self-indulgent about our pain in front of you. Christmas, Thanksgiving, your child’s birthday parties — we’re there, loving and smiling and, yes, REJOICING with you! So please don’t play the “what about rejoicing with others” card. We do. All the time. You just don’t see it and there is no Hallmark day for it. There’s no “Thank You for Loving Our Kids” Day or “Happy Aunt and Uncle’s” Day, is there? We love your kids silently and without resentment, but not always without *pain*. Can you understand that at all? Mother’s Day is an exclusive day that reminds the grieving of what they don’t have. It’s not an issue of resentment or jealousy. It’s simply a lingering grief – a wound that gets reopened on this day.
The problem with just declaring “rejoice with those who rejoice” is that there IS a biblical counterbalance – “mourn with those who mourn” – and yet, there is no National Day of Mourning for the Childless and Grieving. You’re simply expecting the childless or those who have lost children to do all the emotional work here without any offer to share in our mourning, which is real and deep and lifelong. We childless or grieving women here on this thread will honor our mothers today, whether or not they’re worthy of honor, and we’ll tell our mom friends “Happy Mother’s Day” and sincerely mean it because we love our loved ones. One small act of sharing in our sorrow on this day would be to say to your childless loved one, “I love you and I’m so sorry this day is hard for you.”
I hope that the Lord can open your hearts, Bob and Derek and others here as well, to the loneliness of this particular road.
Ncumisa said:
Well said, beautifully said & truthfully said Tracey. Thank you. I’m so sorry for your pain.
slabachgertrude said:
I have a question for those who are childless without choice. How can a Christian woman who has children help that pain? If there WERE a day of “mourning” for those who cannot have children, how is someone to find out if the couple has no children by choice or not by choice? Maybe they’re waiting for a few years; maybe they don’t want their grief/pain highlighted. . . . Certainly when we know a couple is childless and would like to have children, we can be sympathetic with them. But it can be quite touchy with those who do not want to have children and they don’t want anyone to feel sorry for them or to question them b/c they would feel that they are being criticized for not having children.
Sybilla Cook said:
It was originally to celebrate our own mothers I thought. For years our church had baskets of red and white carnations red for moms still living and white for those deceased. It wasn’t about those in the pews–it was those who gave birth to the people in the pews. Let’s get back to the basics and ditch Hallmark ideas.
Jen Ross said:
Sybilla – Out of all the comments, I think yours hits the nail on the head. Mother’s Day is about our mothers, not about ourselves. I like the idea of everyone taking a carnation to recognize our mothers. I’d love for Mother’s Day to return to this less selfish approach. Thanks for your comment.
jacklynn said:
You are right.
jacklynn said:
I think if it would make you feel better you should stay home. I am not being mean or insensitive. I think this is another case of political correctness. Don’t you know that honoring mothers on Mother’s Day has been going on for years? Why does it all of sudden have to be a hurtful thing?
Amy said:
Jacklynn, I don’t think it’s all of a sudden 🙂 … I have a hunch people have been feeling this way for a while but there wasn’t a forum to express it. Thanks for your comment (also JoDee is a good friend of mine and probably had no idea last year when she commented that this was going to go viral and so many people would view it :)).
Pennyu said:
No, this is not new. I am a mother of 3, but I don’t want to stand anymore. I don’t feel it is an honor to stand. I am happy to have been able to mother, but I would not enjoy bringing pain to a single person. Mothers are tough and loving. We sacrifice every day. We are the mothers of all!!!! We can honor mothers without standing and singling out others. I will ask that we not have mothers stand. It is silly anyway. I will say that I admire fathers, but I stopped taking my children to church on Father’s Day because it was so painful to my children to sit through since their father left. We made it a great day on our own. Love my dad, but not going to cause agonizing pain to anyone.
Bob Johnson said:
Jacklynn, My point exactly. We live in a world where we can’t recognize a group of people any more because some are so into themselves they can’t step out of their personal situations for a couple of minutes (on one Sunday morning per. year) when others are thanked and recognized. If it is that uncomfortable there’s a simple solution- either don’t attend that Sunday or go where political correctness suits you. Unreal…….
Emily said:
Bob, I’ve read through your countless insensitive comments and outright rudeness if I’m being honest. You aren’t getting it. As a woman who has struggled with infertility as well as the loss of two children, one in a rather horrific way, and now cannot get pregnant again at all, I deal with this on a daily basis. I’m only 30 years old, and it’s a pain I live with every single day. I realize you don’t know me, but I can promise you that I’m not so focused on myself that I don’t recognize great Mother’s…including my own. I rejoice with and for these Mother’s every single day. I’ve worked in Nursery and church toddler rooms, attended countless baby showers, one even right after the death of my daughter. I shower them with love, gifts, and attention, offering to watch their sweet babies to give them a much needed break. And you know what, I’m not the only one. Many, many women here who are in similar cases such as me do the exact same thing. They don’t complain, they enjoy every minute of it. They may break down and cry on the way home from that baby shower, but they are there rejoicing, giving, and celebrating something many of them will never have.
We aren’t asking churches to abolish Mother’s Day. All any of us are asking for is a little compassion. My church goes all out on Mother’s Day. They have slews of baby dedications. I have chosen for the past several years to simply stay at home. I’m not angry, I’m not jealous or bitter…I just simply don’t want to be a “wet blanket” and spend the entire service in tears. I choose to spend the day at home with my husband, and let the Mothers have their day. Does that really make me such a horrid, selfish person?
Aside from my Mother and sister, only one person cared enough to reach out to me on Mother’s Day and mourn with me. Again, I’m not angry or bitter. I’m thankful I at least had those that cared for me and understood how much that day hurts and shared their love. Some of these women have no one.
What’s so unfortunate to me, is that I, along with all these other women, am still seen as a jealous, bitter, self absorbed person.
Why is it so hard to show compassion to people who are hurting? We deal with the pain every day. We “suck it up” and “put on our big girl panties” and carry on. We deal with all the revving up of Mother’s Day weeks before that day even arrives. You can’t turn on the TV, open Facebook, or go to the store without being surrounded by Mother’s Day stuff. By the time Mother’s Day does roll around I’m usually so emotionally strung out that I spend the day in isolation with my husband.
But God forbid we ask for any compassion. We get reamed for it.
There are so many people out there that are hurting. Can’t we, who claim to be in Christ, show some love and compassion? I’m beginning to think not. It seems like such a rare thing these days.
And in addition, your comments to Les Ferguson were so appalling that I’m not even going to waste my time responding. Get some compassion, Bob. I’m sure if we examined your life we’d find a place where you needed to grow up and put your big boy undies on. You don’t have all your stuff together, no one does.
“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle.”
Amy Wiley said:
Thank you for this. My church does really well with not setting apart only the mothers and acknowledges that it’s a tough day for some of us, but I still can find it hard to go. It snuck up on me unawares this year until I was literally standing on the stage interpreting it into sign language as the announcer said, “We know this is a hard day for some of you” and I about burst into tears right there on the stage.
Though I haven’t been through the infertility treatments, I get the awkward, meaning-well comments too. Inevitably when I say I can’t have children, someone answers, ‘You could adopt.” But no, I can’t adopt either, because I am too ill and too weak to lift a baby or toddler, without enough energy to care for myself some days, much less an active child.
But still, I appreciate the support and encouragement I get from you and from almost everyone. Thank you for reminding people that motherhood is more than meets the eye.
~From another Amy in her 30s…
Amy said:
Thank you for reminding people that motherhood is more than meets the eye. — indeed! 🙂
Amanda Blackshire said:
As a woman who has had a previous miscarriage…I too…had struggled with this in the past. I am on the worship team, and one year they had all the mothers join at the front, at the alter. I was the ONLY woman left with no children. I felt so exposed. I felt ashamed. But let me tell you. The past few years God has help me overcome this feeling tremendously. But I had to do my part. The enemy wants us to cower down and stick our tails between our legs in shame, and despair, and defeat. I got so tired of being unhappy and uncomfortable with it, the very next year…I walked in wearing a dress as if I was a mother, because I am. My child does not live with me, but with Almighty God. I went into church that day with a celebration smile on my face, believing for what’s to come. Whether you have lost children, or cannot have children, or have prodigal children, just know….you have nothing to be ashamed of. Stand proud of who you are in Christ and show the enemy that you won’t back down. Go to church anyway. We need to quit letting our despairs triumph over us. It’s been ten years since I miscarried, and I still have yet to have children. But every mothers day, I walk into my church with the hope of God that makes the enemy curl up in a fetal position, because my hope and happiness is grounded in Jesus. it takes courage, and it seems silly if you aren’t a mother. But the bible does say to “think those things that are not as though they were”. Praying the hope of God consumes all of you so much so that, you too, will walk tall in who you are, and not what you have accomplished.
Cindy in PA said:
Thank you for sharing your eloquent “letter.” I’ve never attended a church which had the mothers stand and although I am one, I would be thinking about those around me sitting. My heart feels deeply for others. On a lighter note, I’m Presbyterian and my church is very “traditional” during our worship 🙂
Thank you for your wonderful words/thoughts. Blessings!
Amy said:
Cindy, I think there are a lot who “get this” — whether you are a mother or not! Thanks for support through your comment.Amy
Bob Johnson (@Tebob2) said:
I wouldn’t be overly concerned. The ACLU will probably stop the recognition of most anyone in churches soon. They will probably pass restrictions since some people are bothered that others are being recognized when they are missing out….seriously this is whining about not getting enough attention, simple.
Abby said:
Bob, I’m curious, why does this upset you so much? You don’t have a horse in this race. I have a hard time understanding why anyone would object to sensitivity and kindness. Obviously it’s your prerogative to disagree, but exactly who “loses” in the suggested scenario? Women who are blessed with healthy, happy children are honored, and women who are struggling with fertility issues are made to feel likewise. No one is excluded, everyone is appreciated…in what way does this impact your life negatively?
Bob Johnson said:
It’s a public site, I assume most any Christian can “have a horse in this race.” Don’t be upset if some people disagree with you Abby. We are still allowed to do this in America, so far. In my opinion you are complaining about a non-issue. If people are so bothered by mothers standing in America, one day a year in churches, then they can stay home. Personally, I think it’s great they are singled out and find this a waste of time and silly whining to complain about it…. And, I can have an opinion, even if it bothers you there.
Amy said:
Yup, Bob you are welcome to have any opinion and as long as we (not just you) all stay above the belt, this is a welcome place to express them. Bob, I think you’ve struck a nerve with some because of how personal this area is. Amy 🙂
Peter Connolly said:
This gentleman named “Bob” is missing a compassion gene. His comments are meaningful only to someone who has the feelings of a robot. No time should be wasted in trying to formulate a meaningful response. He is either unable to empathize or gets some kind of kick in treating people callously.
Hannah said:
There’s a day every year for almost every title, disease, profession, awareness etc, so why can’t mothers have one day. Plain and simple. The women who are in pain over Mother’s Day need to pray for the mothers out there, and pray for God to help them thru the day. But they certainly shouldn’t try to take the joy and pride out of it for any mother on Mother’s Day. And yes, motherhood comes in all forms, adoptive, foster, biological, mother figures etc. But do not cheapen the power of a mother.
jacklynn said:
I agree with Bob.
Marsha Young said:
Right on! As a mother, in fact YOUR mother, I totally agree with everything you said. I hope this will turn the tide of “over-mothering” Mothers’ Day.
Amy said:
Thanks Mom. I love you.
Katie said:
I really love what you have to say about mothering and especially the poem! I don’t know if you wrote the poem or not, but I would add one thing…something about women who are currently taking care of their mothers. My own mother is doing this and I feel it’s another part of the continuum. I constantly admire my mom’s compassion, love, and strength in caring for my grandma. 🙂 Thanks for sharing this Amy!
Amy said:
Katie, you’re right! I watched my mom “mother” her parents and now one sister is “mothering” her MIL. Most definitely a part of the continuum! Amy
Ronnie said:
Thank you! I was thinking of “boycotting” the weekend next year, instead I’ll start sharing this blog. 😉
I’d also add moms who are abused by their children.
Amy said:
Oh, I did forget them, thanks for speaking for them! Amy
Amm said:
Bless you Marsha
Kristi Magi said:
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you, Amy, for this post. Well said and from the heart of so many of us!
Amy said:
You’re welcome — there are so many wonderful forms of mothering, let’s focus on that and not only on what has come out of a person’s body!
Molly Braun said:
While living in China, I was faced with my identity. I came to discover that my identity isn’t in being a mom, or a wife, or a teacher. My identity is in Christ. Everything else is icing-on-the-cake and can be taken away from me in an instant.
Celebrate the individual and who she (or he) is in Him.
Mother’s Day is not my favorite day. I simply wish we could do away with it. I realize some folks need a push to acknowledge their own mothers, but I am frustrated with how it can make other women look and feel.
I so appreciate you sharing your thoughts.
Amy said:
Molly, I miss you and Jeff! And I so appreciate people like you and comments / thoughts that resonate with truth!
Molly Braun said:
Amy, It’s going on 7 yrs. since we last stood in China. Miss it so much. Miss YOU too. It’s sometimes hard to understand why we are here…at other times it’s clear.
You speak from a perspective that is perhaps not the “norm” and that’s what I’m constantly battling.
I linked your blog post on my FB page. It speaks so much of how I feel. I have lots of Molly-isms and I’m so appreciative when another person can put into words my thoughts.
Rhonda Good said:
I really appreciate this poem. I love all the different aspects Amy captures. And, Molly, I am so sorry for the pain other thoughtless people have caused you! But please, don’t try to do away with Mother’s Day. I am a mother of 3, and my son has autism and learnig disabilities. Life is not easy. Mother’s Day is the one day each year that he seems to understand that it is about me and he is able to come out of his self-consumed mindset and participate in whatever activities i chose for the day.
I promise to continue to “educate” people about the pain of Mother’s Day and the need t celebrate all forms of mothering. But please don’t take away my special day. 🙂
Molly Braun said:
P.S. I was just recently thinking about your last Halloween post and still so much want to comment on it. One of these days I will!
Amy said:
Please do!!
Melinda Oberhelman said:
Amy, I shared a link to your post on my facebook page–hope that was okay. I am “friends” with several pastors and was hoping they might see it and read it and learn from it. I have gotten some very positive comments on it from various women friends. Nothing from pastor’s yet. [smile]
While I was in the role of pastor, I used Mother’s Day as a day to celebrate all the women in our lives and the multiple roles they play. (I used Father’s Day to celebrate the role of godly men in our lives.)
II always appreciate your posts–even when I don’t comment.
Love you and miss you friend!
Amy said:
Melinda, yes, PLEASE share! I’m kind of surprised how many comments I’m getting here and on FB. It’s struck a chord with many. If it can be used, I’m grateful. With love to you too! Amy
Linda McMillan said:
But that means that everyone has to identify as either a man or a woman, and not everyone is. When anyone is left out, we have failed the whole.
Linda McMillan
CassandraToday said:
Indeed. Galatians 3:28 anyone? 🙂
Ruth said:
Thanks Amy. I shared this on fb. It was spot on !
Amy said:
Thanks Ruth! I’m so glad our paths are crossing more than just that one week in BJ. Amy
Deborah said:
Hi Amy – I’ve heard you talk and write on this subject before and you just get more eloquent and sensible (is that the word I’m looking for? you make a lot of sense). The first time I encountered the standing thing, I was pregnant with Mimi, and I found the whole thing confusing… do I stand? I feel like a mother, but not everyone will see it that way… Dan and I even had a small argument in the pew. What ridiculousness. It wasn’t painful, though, and I can see that it could be painful to many women for many reasons. Thanks for speaking up for them (us). I’ll be posting on FB.
Amy said:
Deborah, thanks for stopping by and for sharing your story! Would love to get to sit down and chat with you — ah, maybe some day :). Amy
Kwen said:
Amy – I find myself saying “amen” throughout your post. Thanks for this. They are words of life and quickens the spirit. I am sharing this wisdom on my fb page too. What a gift to have you among us….
Amy said:
oh Kwen, I have been truly humbled by the responses (yours included!). Like a mother hen, He is gathering us :)!
Paris Karin (an alien parisienne) said:
Let me echo the “amens” already written. You wrote this perfectly & expressed the core issue with grace and aplomb. *hearty applause*
IMHO, the church needs to join the 21st century with this kind of stuff.
Amy said:
Karin, you said it (and thanks for the applause, coming from you it has great weight!)! Amy
David Sharland said:
Paris,
What do you mean that the church needs to join the 21st century with this kind of stuff? I do not know what that means, truly. David
Lynn said:
Thanks for sharing this, Amy! Well said! I also shared it on fb. I have been in some churches that have the Moms stand or give out flowers to moms. I never thought much about it until I saw one of the ladies giving out flowers refusing to give it to a pregnant woman because she wasn’t a mother yet. It was sad on so many levels!
Amy said:
Lynn, thanks for the repost! and for your story — sadly I think there are more of them floating around out there. Amy
April said:
This post really hit home to me because I was one of those Mom’s who being pregnant with my first child, did not receive a flower from our Pastor. I quote ,”oh,you have to wait until next year,because you aren’t actually a mother yet”.. I didn’t care about the flower,now or then,but it did hurt my feelings a little bit.
Amy said:
Ouch. I’m sorry to hear that. It’s funny how such a small thing can represent something so much bigger :).
Melissa said:
Something similar happened to me, as all the children were handing out flowers to the Mothers and one accidentally handed one to me, but then realized what they had done and took it back. I have also been the only woman sitting in the pews with the men and children when my church called all the mothers up front so the congregation could clap for them. This post is spot on.
Amy said:
Oh that poor kid … trying to do the “right” thing. And for you, as eyes turned. Sorry! May it not be so this Sunday :)!
Sharee' said:
It always made me sad when the church I grew up in would honor various mother categories- most children present, oldest mother, youngest (married) mother, etc. What about the women who would love to have a house full but can only have one, or the single mother doing her best to follow Jesus, or the women who are infertile and long to be a mother? Or even the single women patiently waiting for a husband and family? Thank you for writing this.
Amy said:
And thank you for reading and passing it along!
Kimberly Pope-seiberling said:
Amy, I am a mom and a pastor and have always felt this way about Mother’s Day. Thanks for sharing because when I protest to such things, people always look at me strangely, and sometimes even question my judgement. It is a very real affirmation. I have my own theologial thoughts on Mother’s Day and my own personal experinces. Check them out if you like on my blog.
Amy said:
Kim, I tried to leave a note on your blog, but couldn’t. Thank you for pointing us to your words. Yesterday it hit me that I hadn’t said anything about single mom’s and now you have gently reminded me of those who have been adopted. I, obviously, don’t know what your biological mom is thinking/feeling/remembering about you. But I lived at a group home for pregnant teens for several years and I do know that she most likely does think of you. She knows your birthday and for the last 40 or so years has marked it in her heart. I also know of others, here in China and around the world, who have given their baby “up” as the most loving act they could — I’m sorry to hear of the painful parts in your story. Truly. Be reminded that your heavenly father also references himself a mother hen who will gather her children to you. You are wanted by her! Thanks for stopping by, we are better for hearing your voice! Amy
northpointcc said:
Thank you for writing this – I thought I responded earlier but my comment has not appeared so if there are two please forgive the duplication. I am a pastor and we do not have mothers stand on Mother’s Day. We usually give all the ladies a small gift. However, in a previous ministry, we had the newest, oldest, youngest and one with the most children present stand. I remember the awkward feeling of watching those who could not stand for any of the categories we had used. Unless you object, I would like to use your statements to honor the ladies in our fellowship. We are not a large church but we have ladies who fit each of your statements. Wish I would have asked a lady about Mother’s Day years ago. Thanks!!
Amy said:
Northpointcc, Please do share! If we can reach out to more women and remind them that where they are IS important (and will be different than where others are), God will smile and think, “Now that’s MY people!” Also sorry for the slow response … it was night time in China and I was sleeping 🙂 Amy
northpointcc said:
I understand – I have a son and daughter-in-law in New Zealand – we have difficulty keeping track of their schedules. God bless!
northpointcc said:
Thank you so much for writing this. I am a pastor and a friend pointed me to your Blog. We do not have mothers stand in our fellowship but give each of the ladies a small gift. In previous ministries we have had the youngest mother, oldest mother, newest mother, mother with most children and mother with most children present stand and gave them special recognition. I remember times feeling awkward knowing of a mother who had just lost a baby or another whose children had run away from home. Your tributes are incredibly appropriate. I wish I had asked a lady years ago about Mother’s Day. Unless you object, I would like to use this to honor the ladies in our fellowship. Thanks!!!
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Cousin Nancy Begg said:
I have never given much thought to this until today (you open my eyes quite often, I find) and agree wholeheartedly. I have a friend and on the day I met her, I asked her how many children she had. There was a very long and painful pause and she finally shared with me that she had had a child that was stillborn and she didn’t know how to answer that question. That gave me pause and I was definitely more careful with that question from then on.
I also feel that a pregnant woman is a Mom. A woman gives more to that baby then than she ever will after the child is born.
Keep up the good work, Amy. You are a bright spot to me every day that I check and find a new blog from you.
Amy said:
Cousin Nan, you bless me with your words! I usually feel bad for someone when they ask about my children and I tell them I’m not married and don’t have any. Crickets! I’m fine with my status, but it’s not something people would know if they don’t know me (and if they know me they wouldn’t be asking!) — it’s such a catch 22. Love you! Amy
Ginny said:
This is a sensitive subject for sure. But as a pastor’s wife….my husband would have been very insensitive not to honor the moms..why don’t we just honor all women on that day and rename it?
tracey said:
Speaking again as a childless not by choice woman, I’m certainly not asking for the abolition of Mother’s Day. However, I think the honoring of mothers should happen within their families — where they serve most — not necessarily in church. Mothers are mothers to their families and should be celebrated there. Mother’s/Father’s Day as public celebrations are relatively new inventions. Personally, I don’t think the church should be involved, but I DO think a mother should have her day — brought to her by her *family*. Honoring mothers in church keeps getting compared to honoring veterans, but I see it a little bit differently. Veterans serve all of us, our entire country. A mother well and faithfully serves her family in her role as mother, but not necessarily everyone — or everyone in church. I’m not sure I’d see a pastor as insensitive who just treated that Sunday as a regular day and left the honoring of mothers to their families. I think Ginny is seeing that as “insensitive” because there’s now an *expectation* that the church will honor mothers. Again, I’m all for mothers having their day. She serves her family so let her family honor her, as they should!!!
MARFAR said:
I have a mother (who died of cancer when I was 15)and a stepmother who has been Mom to me for nearly 40 years (since 1974). My mother’s Mom died when she was only 3, my mother-in-law’s mom died when she was 5. The fact that we feel such sadness when we are not “real” mothers or when we lose a mother shows us just how SPECIAL it is to be a MOTHER, to feel “chosen” by GOD. For those who have lost mothers or never become mothers, I hope that your church or other social support groups can provide the kind of counseling you need so that you can function in society not only on Mother’s Day when the pain is so real but on every day of the year, so you can go out into public places where there are mothers and grandmothers without feeling such deep sadness. I still believe that HONOR THY MOTHER belongs in church. It is, after all, one of the 10 commandments. Whether we broaden the definition or not really doesn’t matter as much as are we really HONORING mothers and the work they do each day. I have been a mother for almost 30 years and this year became a mother-in-law to a young man who cannot speak to his mother or stepmother due to painful experiences but thank God he took it to heart to present me with a card and a single yellow ROSE this Mother’s Day along with my daughter. Knowing how much pain he goes through on this day and many others, it meant so much to me for him to say, “You are special. This is YOUR day today.” I pray for us all the HEALING we need for all our wounds and the nurturing that the CREATOR provides, after all it was indeed the CREATOR who made mothers in the image of the Great Nurturer in the first place, Amen?
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Valerie said:
Thank you, Amy!! If you don’t mind, I would love to share this with some friends (I really love the italicized portion). You are very courageous! Especially as one single woman who feels a bit uncomfortable at times, too.
You are the best!
Amy said:
Valerie, Please do share! Courage to us all, life is not for the faint of heart — whether you’ve had children, wanted children, or not! Thankfully, we do not walk alone or without the help of the Holy Spirit.
Sarah O said:
Valerie,
I too am single (in my 30’s) and want very much to have a husband and children. Mother’s Day is uncomfortable. For me it’s the longing to be in the club, but mostly I hurt for my sweet friends that are unable to have children or have lost children.
Amy, thanks for putting in words what Ive thought about for a long time.
Amy said:
Sarah, you’re welcome. Amy
bristolm said:
Oh, Amy… This was so powerful and helpful for me. As a single woman who has never been pregnant, I was kind of blind to this issue. But reading your words here speaks straight to my heart.
I feel like I have more to say about honoring the spectrum of womanhood, but I can’t even find the words. This was a great post– Thank you!
Amy said:
Bristolm, thanks for adding to the conversation! Keep searching for the words, we need your voice and perspective in the convesation! 🙂 Amy
Lisa notes... said:
Oh my! Beautiful, Amy. This needs to spread. Mother’s Day at church can be so uncomfortable for so many reasons.
Amy said:
Thank you Lisa!
mandythompson said:
This post makes my heart beat faster. I’m the worship leader who’s married to the preacher and we are among the childless families in our congregation even though we’ve wanted (and waited) for things to be different. The day is difficult, to say the least. Thank you for bringing these words and suggestions to the world. Gives me a bit of hope for this Sunday.
Amy said:
Oh Mandy, sadly there are far more in your situation than we realize. I will be thinking of you on Sunday. He is the God who sees, and he sees you. Praying for you as I type this. Amy
robin said:
Amy, although I have three happy boys of my own … Mother’s Day is often a day that I too, would like to stay home from church. My first child a daughter died after five days and my heart breaks for the pictures on the bulletin of a mom with her daughter smiling and carefree. Plus I think of the mom whose child died and she has nothing to fill her arms. I think you letter rings true with many women. Thank you.
Amy said:
Robin, thank you for sharing a bit of your story. Your daughter will always be a part of your family, I’m sorry she didn’t get to physically be a part of it for a much longer time! Amy
Kirsten Kroeker said:
Lovely. Just lovely. I’m a recent mom and, like you, was never bothered by mother’s day before I became a mom. Now, with kids, I’m hearing all sorts of those on the “other side” – those with miscarriages, those waiting for adoption papers to go through, those saving for fertility treatments… I had no idea the notion of motherhood was so messy, and I’m learning to be sensitive to it. Thanks for finding a beautiful path that both celebrates and is sensitive for mother’s day.
Amy said:
Kirsten, thanks for sharing a piece of your story! and for being a voice of compassion to those around you! Amy
Katie Brown said:
Beautiful!! Amy well said. I am a new Mommy with twins they are 5 weeks old and my heart rejoices, but I have been on the other side many Mothers day. Praise be to God for the women who have give to us in so many ways! I have felt the “pain” of Mothers day, lets celebrate all the wonderful women in our lives! Cheers Amy!
Amy said:
Oh Katie, you bless me! You are so busy with your dear wee ones, yet you find time to comment. That, my friend, is love. Thank you for loving me :). Kiss the sweet babies for me! And the BIG baby, scratch behind his ears! xoxox Amy
Cynth said:
Hi friend,
Your words resonate with me. Being someone who married in her late 30’s and would like to have children, it has been important for me to recognize and truly know that even if Abba doesn’t bless Marco and I with our own children, the nurturing side of me is not lost. Abba has given me so many opportunities to make real contributions in people’s lives. I am filled with joy by this.
Saying that, being a step-mom has opened a whole new door of my life: Loving three young men (23,22,20) in a way that I didn’t expect. I find myself thinking about how to help them when they ask, trying to encourage them in ways that are meaningful to them and feeling a strong sense of wanting to protect them.
Amy said:
Oh Cynth, I love you. This mothering instinct is strong, isn’t it?! I’d love to see you in action with your growing clan. With love, Amy
Ron Swanson said:
Great Amy!
Amy said:
Ron, you are the first man to comment here. (I get it and knew that there would be more comments from women, but still, we need you men!). Thanks for making a public gesture of love. Amy
Rebecca said:
So beautiful, thank you so much for writing this. As someone who has traveled the heart wrenching journey of infertility then infant loss and now motherhood itself I couldn’t agree more with what you wrote.
Amy said:
Rebecca, as one who has experienced so many forms of heartache and loss, thank you for sharing a bit of your story. Amy
carol said:
As one of the “infertile”…in body at least…it is EXTREMELY HARD and PAINFUL to look at this day of celebration!!! Yes! It SHOULD be the happiest day of our lives…as women, but not having had what I could’ve, (as growing up), it’s been hard to also be infertile. My heart pains for each of you…but yet rejoices in so many of you…who have shared your hearts with me…and have “loaned” me your children to “love on”….I AM ETERNALLY GRATEFUL!!! 🙂 🙂 Yours is the reward for letting them sit with me in church, invite me to their parties, etc. YOU have done what you can not imagine!!! 🙂 And I love you for it!!! 🙂 Carol
Amy said:
Carol, true, true, true! I don’t always understand how pain and joy can be so closely related, but they can. I am grateful that in the midst of pain you still show up. Amy
Carrie said:
Carol, as a mother in the pulpit whose husband could not always attend church when our son was small, I can promise you that people like you are at least as much a gift to the mothers of the children you take under your wings as they are to you. It takes a village to raise a child, and most of us are extremely happy and grateful to share.
Sharon O said:
I posted this on my facebook page. Awesome truths… I dislike mothers day for many reasons, the same for why I dislike fathers day. Not all parents are ‘wonderful’. Not all adults are parents.
Amy said:
Sharon, thanks for the repost. I’m sorry that some make it hard for others. Amy
Peggy said:
I used to dread Mother’s Day and didn’t go to church that day. I was the one with 6 miscarriages. I was the one who sat there fighting back tears. I wanted to go to support and honor my own mom but finally just had to stop and support myself. I did also write a letter to our minister pointing out the similar about the standing up. I told him that I thought it best to just wish every mother a happy Mother’s Day. Whether you were a mother so a child here on earth, one in heaven, one in your heart, one in your dreams or one to a child that you just love and care for in the littlest way. Sadly, it was never mentioned.
Amy said:
Peggy, thanks for speaking up and talking to your pastor. I’m sorry he didn’t hear you, but as you can see from the comments, your sense of what would be helpful was right on target. Six miscarriages took my breath away. You are a mother. Too keep trying and trying and trying. Love never quits. Thank you for sharing a bit of your story. Amy
Peggy said:
I had had 6 at the point I wrote to him. Determination brought pregnancy 7 and we got a beautiful daughter. 2 more miscarriages then finally, pregnancy number 10 worked and finished our family with another baby girl. She was born on December 22nd and came home on Christmas day… 9 years to the day that we were in the ER for our first miscarriage.
Amy said:
I love the redemptive elements in so many stories (I actually believe that all have some elements of redemption, but in the pain sometimes we miss them). Thanks for shring more of your story! Amy
Ty said:
Reblogged this on A Robin Hood's Musing and commented:
Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are the hardest services to do to honour, thank you Messy Middle for these ways.
Amy said:
Ty, thanks for the reblog. I’m going to check out your blog! Amy
Patty said:
Well said! I am forwarding to my pastor…hopefully he still has time to change the service on Sunday!
Amy said:
Patty, that was my hope in getting it out early enough. Thanks for passing it on! Amy
StrawBerry said:
I am left with no other words than thank you at the moment, although I’m sure they will come to me, and possibly inspire a blog post of my own, since this year will hurt even more than the past years. Sincerely thank you for recognizing the rest of us!
Amy said:
StrawBerry, I’m praying for the pain you have experienced this year. May God send other ministers of his grace to you. Amy
StrawBerry said:
Thank you for your kind words and bless you for everything. I did end up making that post and thank you for the inspiration, I credited you and shared a link back to this, and I think it helped give me a little more courage to share my story of why I appreciate your blog post so much. I hope it can help other’s in my situation.
Mandy Barrett said:
My son Braden was stillborn at 38 weeks in 2010 and this year we suffered through a miscarriage at 11 weeks. The Mother’s Day following my son’s death our church decided to have it’s baby dedication on Mother’s Day. I was heartbroken. A day I really needed to be at church, and I just couldn’t go. They are doing it again this year and after my recent loss, I just can’t bring myself to see that. I love what you have written here. I saw your post on Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope on facebook. I truly appreciate your understanding of how hard it is for women who don’t have, can’t have, or have lost children. This is just what I needed to hear today.
Thanks,
Mandy
Amy said:
Mandy, I am left without words. There are so many other times to dedicate a baby. So many. Why then? I know that people are well meaning, but seriously? I hope that someone from your church will come on Sunday and sit with you at home and hold your hand. I’ll be praying for you, Branden, your little on in heaven and your husband this weekend. Amy
Kristy said:
I have been where you are. I am where you are. Know that I am thinking of you and praying for you today – and tomorrow. I wish I could be there to hold your hand, and you mine.
God bless you.
Mandy Barrett said:
Thank you Kristy! It warmed my heart to read this. I am thinking of you and praying for you as well. This month we are starting the journey of trying to conceive again with all the hope and fears that brings (with the help of a specialist this time). Thank you for your kindness and reaching out. I once saw a picture that said “Sisters through babyloss.” Doesn’t that feel true? It connects women.
Janille said:
Amy, I saw this on FB through Faces of Loss Faces of Hope and had to share the link! I so agree with your well-written words. I have been the woman who endured Mother’s Day at church and had to sit when other women stood or never received the complimentary flower. I never agreed with the practice because even though my babies are in Heaven, I was still very much their mother in my heart! I’m blessed this year as in March my miracle baby, Journee, arrived, but I will never forget my four lost little ones and I will always have compassion for the baby loss Mamas! This makes you think twice before participating in any rituals that honor just certain women! Amen and amen!
Amy said:
Janielle, four (!), each one with a story, a hope, a dashing of dreams. They do count (maybe not always outloud!). Welcome to little Journee and for sharing a bit of your journey! Amy
Melissa Watt said:
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!! Seriously THANK YOU! I have lost I have 2 babies in heaven we lost our son at 2 months old in April 2010 to SIDS then a our daughter at 18 weeks in December 2010…I also have 2 babies here on earth that I love to pieces…but I struggle with Mother’s Day a lot…I have since 2010 and this is so right on! I actually pasted it onto my pastor in hopes he reads it on Mother’s Day…cause there are women in our church who struggle with each of these things…and no one acknowledges us…
Amy said:
Melissa, your comment reminds me that behind the curtains of each of our lives there is so much more going on than we might ever guess. Thanks for lifting yours and allowing us a peek. Amy
Melissa Watt said:
So true to most I look like I have the perfect family 1 boy and 1 girl a wonderful marriage…but deep down they have no idea that everyday I cry, everyday I hurt…because a piece of me is missing…
Amy said:
Thank you for putting this so eloquently. I concur wholeheartedly!
Melissa Limasse said:
You pretty much nailed this. My church does the same thing, and I think it’s obnoxious, and exactly what you said: alienating.
Melissa Limasse said:
Reblogged this on Ambrosia and commented:
It’s like this woman took these thoughts out of my head:
Amy said:
Thanks for the reblog! I’m popping over to check out your site. Amy
Kayla Fugitt said:
I came across this article on my Facebook feed through a Faces of Loss Faces of Hope status. This Sunday will be my first Mother’s Day since losing my first baby to miscarriage this past December. Thank you so much for writing this. These are all the things I’ve been wanting to say but didn’t know the right words to say them. Thank you!
Amy said:
Kayla, I am deeply sorry for your loss. I hope it will be acknowledged this Sunday, but even if it isn’t there — it is here. Amy
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Erin said:
This is wonderful! I am a mother to 3 great little girls, but this day hits me hard for another reason entirely. I am a motherless only child. My mom passed away almost 4 years ago, 2 months after got married, and 3 weeks before I found out I was pregnant with my twins. I love this post. I never understood how hard this day could be until I became a mother without one of my own. I also know friends who have lost children, can’t have children, or want them but aren’t at that point in life and this day makes my heart for them. I am so glad to know I am not the only who feels this way.
Amy said:
Erin, I’m so sorry that you didn’t get to share in person this piece of your life with your mom! Amy
carol said:
Great message! I would encourage everyone to also remember that there WILL be women in your congregation that have experienced abortions. They may now have children or may not, but they too are mothers who will hopefully reunite with their pre-born children in heaven one day.
How bout we just recognize everyone that HAD a mother at some point? =)
Amy said:
Carol, thanks for the reminder! You are right and I should have included them in the list, I’m sorry I forgot them! Amy
Todd said:
Amy, I am a pastor and I will consider your words…. we don’t mean to make anyone feel uncomfortable, only to celebrate a gift that God has given to many women…motherhood.
I do not believe that because a woman does not have children that she is cursed by God…His plan was different in their lives.
Mothers Day is the ONE day that we celebrate Moms. They are special…. But so are you.
Perhaps we as pastors should find other ways to celebrate those who did not, could not, or lost, a child…
As I said, I will consider your words…Thank you.
Amy said:
Todd, thank you for considering this. I don’t know if you were able to read through some of the comments, but hopefully they add some more context as you consider how to honor moms. I’m not against honoring mom’s! I love and celebrate mom’s, it’s just that I’m not sure we are blessing as many as we might be hurting (very, very unintentionally). Amy
Svaidya said:
I am not a Catholic and come from a country where Mother’s Day is now celebrated because of Western influences, the ‘celebratory day’ did not exist when I was growing up. While my kids wish me on Mother’s Day, I can not bring myself to wish my Mom or MIL on this day, just because I do not feel ‘connected’ to the day.
But the article is so well written and it tugged my heart even if I have never been a part of any special services, or even ‘celebrate’ the special day. The ‘continuum of motherhood’ is truly thought provoking…
Amy said:
Svaidya, thanks for adding to the conversation! This is a helpful perspective. Amy
Martin said:
As a pastor, I am no stranger to the sentiment expressed by Amy and those who have left comments. I find myself perplexed that no one has mentioned their mother? My perspective of Mother’s Day is that each of us has a mother and Mother’s Day is an ongoing reminder to fulfill the fifth commandment to honour. Absolutely, Mother’s Day will be the trigger for a flood of uncomfortable feelings for the plethora of life situations identified here – and more – so the rest of the year we foster an environment of honesty and authenticty and healing and caring support and rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep. I don’t think it is possible, though, to eliminate from our lives any situation that triggers our pain – nor is it desirable. Such an existence would be sterile. Is it really for our benefit to avoid/eliminate personal suffering?
Amy said:
Martin, I appreciate your perspective. Amy
Martin said:
Amy, your grace is compelling! I, also, appreciate your perspective and will remain unsettled in my thoughts because of you.
Sincerely,
Martin
christap516 said:
I’m a woman who was abused and abandoned by my mother. So no, I don’t celebrate mothers day. It often takes my breath away, and I usually volunteer to work in our church toddler room on that day. I am a mother of 5 myself.
Amy said:
Christap516, I appreciate the way you have found to still be a part of your church. Amy
cheapchickim said:
I agree with Martin.
Judy said:
Wondeful sharing of what I have felt for many, many years. Thanks so much!!
Gerona Marshea said:
All I can say is Thank You for shining a light on my feeling
Mary G said:
Thank you for sharing this very sensitive subject in such a loving way. I lost my mother when I was 16 and Mother’s Day has been a struggle ever since. Although I credit my healing through God’s goodness and love, especially since the birth of my own daughter, I am still very sensitive to the hurt and unknowing situations of other women around me for ALL the reasons you have mentioned. As much as I enjoy motherhood, I still do not go to church on Mother’s Day. Like you said, it’s “A.w.k.w.a.r.d.” I think every pastor, friend, husband, advertising agent could benefit from your insight. Thanks for sharing.
Amy said:
Mary, yes, yes, yes! Healing can come and has come for so many — I’m thankful it has for you — hoping that a few more will experience some more healing this Sunday as we hold our arms open wide for all. Thanks! Amy
jamie said:
Amy, this speaks to me in so many ways. I have struggled for years wanting children and knowing through prayer that that is not God’s plan for me right now. Thank you.
Amy said:
Jamie, we sit with you as you wait on God. It’s not easy. But we trust, trust, trust on his goodness. Amy
Roslyn Stoddard said:
Thanks for sharing. I’m right there in the messy middle and always opt out of attending services on Mother’s Day.
Amy said:
The Messy Middle always has room for one more!
Marilyn said:
Amy – this is excellent – thanks for seeing so far beyond the day and bringing in all the pain that can be associated with the day yet redeemed by recognition.
Myra Barlow said:
As a friend said about this post – “great reminder to be gentle and loving.”
I also have been wondering along with Pastor Martin – what about honoring Mothers? As a Mother I am proud to receive acknowledgment for being one with great joy and also with great sorrows. Although I have experienced many of your defined types of motherhood, and fully comprehend the pain in many of these ways, including loss, I hear a lot of ‘it’s all about me’ going on (it’s just what our society breeds). I encourage you all to honor your Mothers, the ones who raised you, come along side you and loved you – biological or not , those long term or seasonal. Celebrate them. Remember how they’ve come alongside you and in turn pass that along . . . no matter what your circumstance as a Mother or a non-mother, there will always be children and/or adult-children who need a ‘Mom’ for a season or life that don’t have one.
If they do the stand up thing . . . go with the flow or don’t, celebrate your Mother(s) then go be a Mom to someone. Volunteer to hang out with kid’s somewhere, you are needed!
Amy said:
Thanks Myra! I didn’t mean to overlook honoring mothers. One can only put so much in one letter before people won’t read. That would be a great follow-up letter! Amy
debhalasz said:
I can appreciate your perspective, Myra, but for me, I hear, just get over it. I have suffered severe depression and anxiety with my miscarriages to the point of being suicidal. Four years later, I’m not suicidal, but I battle depression every day. It’s not something where I can look and see “there are always children who need a mom” or “be a mom to someone”. I cry when I see kids playing with parents. Even though, I have a stepdaughter now, I have no connection to her. She is my husband’s daughter, but she’s not mine. It took me a year before I could even spend any time with her.
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Linda Crites said:
One time I was asked to speak at a church on Mother’s Day. The pastor said he usually spoke but it occurred to him that, since he was a man, not a woman, perhaps the women would like to hear another woman speak to them on this special day, so he asked me . I was so honored, but I’m not sure it was what he wanted. But I prayed, and this is what I felt God gave me. I talked about four kinds of mothers: (1) people like me who became a birth mother quite young, not a life goal, just happened (2) my sister, who dreamed all of her life of having children (3) my friend Melissa who married a man who already had children and chose to not have children with him but help him raise his (4) a dear older woman who had no biological children but spent her life mentoring others. As I read what you wrote, it blessed me and I just want to thank you.
Amy said:
Linda, I love this! Even if it wasn’t quite what your pastor had envisioned, those who heard it saw themselved mirrored, not in a Hallmark standard, but in the messiness of real life. Amy
Charis said:
I find that on Mothers day I can focus on my own mother. The season of pain for me is Christmas. I’m finding as each year passes, celebrating THE birth throws in sharp relief the fact that the only one I’ve been privileged to take part in is my own.
Amy said:
Charis, yes, yes, yes! I know that Christmas can be another challenging one to celebrate/honor and yet acknowledge that it isn’t all “happy, clappy.” Thank you for the reminder. Amy
Randee said:
This is a great post and speaks deeply to my own heart. I have struggled with infertility over 8 years and have also had a miscarriage. Needless to say Mother’s Day is one of my least favorite days of the year (although I believe honoring mothers to be a wonderful and important thing to do.) I know my pastor means only the best, but I’ve stayed in my seat far too many years to subject myself to it again. I plan to stay home in favor of sleeping in and some time alone with the Lord.
Amy said:
Randee, may the Lord meet you on Sunday! Amy
Emily said:
Thank you, Amy. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You so beautifully expressed what I have felt for many years. Dealing with infertility, miscarriage, and early infant loss, Mother’s Day has become a dreaded holiday for me. After years of suffering through baby dedications and all the other pomp of Mother’s Day church services I will not be attending church on Mother’s Day this year. It’s simply too difficult on me. Thank you for acknowledging the wide continuum of Mothering.
Amy said:
Emily, you’re welcome. And thank you for putting up with the rest of us when we blow it. Amy
Jennifer said:
Been there, done that. Thanks for saying out loud what I felt all those years. I still don’t go to church on mothers day…
Brian & Lisa said:
I shared this with my father who is a pastor and he has decided to change-up the morning service this week! My sister struggles with infertility and so did my mother for many years so it hits close to home. My father is having the women’s ministry director read that one long section (“To those…”), the moms are not standing up this year, and they’re putting the gifts in the back for those that would like one. They are recognizing the things women do in general instead of just what moms do in the home. Thanks for posting this!
Amy said:
Lisa, wow, to know that we all here have impacted at least one little neck of the body of Christ, is both humbling and exciting. It sounds like ALL women will be celebrated. Please thank your dad and let us know how it goes! Amy
Brian & Lisa said:
You’re so busy replying to all these comments, I don’t know if you’ll even read this one! =) I talked with my parents and they said the service went really well. The women’s ministry director read your little poem, they didn’t have anyone stand to be recognized, and they offered the small gift to all women who would like one – in the back of the church as they left. They tried to honor all women in general and what they do for the church, not just in the family. The focus was not on “moms”.
I’m a missionary in Peru and the contrast was amazing. It’s so interesting to us: our church does not even recognize Easter, but Mother’s Day?? My goodness – it’s all out. We literally sang 2 songs as a congregation and the entire rest of the service was focused on Moms, including a competition for us moms with young children to dress up our kids and come up front for prizes. Easter isn’t recognized because it’s “Catholic” but Mother’s Day is something else…
I have to say, I don’t know you, but I think it’s amazing how gracefully you have answered some of these comments from others who obviously don’t understand where you’re coming from. That’s a rarity; I would get too heated to even want to respond to some of these comments! Thank you for being bold enough to write this post to begin with and for being gracious enough to take the comments as they’ve come, good or bad. My sister even found this encouraging and she really, honestly has nothing to do with Mother’s Day, so you touched something there, hopefully a chord that will help her heal.
Thanks again –
Lisa
Amy said:
Lisa, I love getting to peek into a Sunday morning in Peru! And to hear what it was like at your folks church as well. I’ve also been surprised/encouraged by the response from those in a variety of places of faith — especially when the very title was not, shall we say, subtle. Thanks for “reporting” back to us what’s happened since your first comment.
Taya V said:
The way that you expressed this issue, it’s like you took the words right out of my mouth. Thank you!! Thank you for verbalizing what I’ve been feeling for years! For sharing the view of childless mothers! For kindly sharing with our Pastors that playing the stand up-sit down game at church is not nice! Especially thank you for making me feel, for the first time in 5 years, that I’m not completely selfish for feeling this way! I feel affirmed by this post. God bless you!!!!
Amy said:
“The standup-sit down game” — love it (not the game, the name!). I’m hoping that if you had a chance to read the comments you’ll see that you are, most definitely, not alone! Amy
Blake said:
“I, a woman in her late 30s, sat. I don’t know how others saw me, but I felt dehumanized, gutted as a woman. Real women stood, empty shells sat.”
There is a larger problem here that goes beyond the honoring of mothers centering around self-worth. Somehow, those who sit feel less valuable than those who stand. The mentality is ‘because I am a woman and I am not a mother, then I am not as valuable as the woman who is a mother.’ The woman who stood up as a lie, did so, because she felt more ashamed to be sitting than she did lying.
Why this shame? Why does the woman feel this way? This could be a result of numerous factors from the expectations of herself to family to society. Does this same person have the same feelings when veteran’s are honored and she is left sitting? Or even when father’s are honored and she is left sitting? Obviously, it all depends on whether she thinks that she is expected to have children to be valuable.
Is a woman who doesn’t have children less valuable than a woman who does? No. A woman’s worth and value lies with Christ, not her actions or even her childbearing.
But this is not what the whole event is about anyway. The church gather’s corporately to worship God, not the individual. We honor mothers corporately in obedience to the Biblical mandate that we should honor our mother and father. The church does this corporately as a demonstration of obedience which should be fully exercised privately by us all for we all have parents. We should honor our parents.
Now, it could be that a woman in this position might say to herself, “this isn’t about me, but about honoring others.” She might take joy in honor those mother’s who are standing. Even the woman how has suffered through a miscarriage could share in the joy of others. Even the woman who cannot bear children can share in the joy of those who do.
So, what is a woman in this position to do? Should she change the worship service to suit herself? Should she walk out because of her own feelings of inadequacy? Should she seek to have Mother’s Day banned all together? Or, should she rejoice with her Christian sisters and move to honor them?
Chris Gleason said:
Brother, I find it interesting that you as man would feel you are in a place to even attempt to address or understand what a woman is or is not feeling on Mother’s Day.
My personal view is I agree with Amy, that is why as a pastor I have always honored all women and we have all women over 18 stand to honor them, bless them and pray over them. God has blessed “women” with a heart and compassion to nurture and love people that is not predicated on birthing them.
I think Mother’s Day is a wonderful thing to celebrate and should be embracing of the essence of motherhood not whether or not you have biologically had a child. I happen to be blessed with a wonderful mother who has represented God’s love well but I have had numerous other women over the years that have been surrogate mothers to me as well.
Thank you Amy for having the guts to share what you and thousands of other women experience on Mother’s Day when it is not represented well. I have no doubt that God has equipped you with all the love and compassion needed to be a mother to countless people. Happy Mother’s Day!
Amy said:
Chris, thanks for taking the time to comment. Amy
Randal Kay said:
By the number of posts you received I guess you touched a spot for lots of people. As a pastor who has struggled every year as to how to handle or not handle Mother’s Day or Father’s Day for that matter, not to mention, for us, Independence Day, I appreciate your thoughts
Would it be OK to use your “prayer” as part of the beginning “slide-show” we run as people arrive? I believe you cover it well.
One more thing I think we pastors would do well to remember is that it might be a whole lot easier if we would only “celebrate” those days described and / or called for in Scripture and remember that most of the “other” days are more a promotion to buy more Hallmark Cards!
Thanks again!.
Amy said:
Randy, yes, please use the prayer! You touch on an interesting point, one that I’ve been thinking about in the last two days — do we celebrate only Biblical holidays? When is it ok/good/the right thing to do when a cultural habit (for lack of a better term)(like Mother’s Day) isn’t in conflict with the scripture? The church that I stood up in last year is here in Beijing. I’m of a certain age where it is just too hard for strangers to understand that I”m not married and childless. I am OK with it, but even here in China (in some places) Mother’s Day is becoming more of a thing. So, it’s not just in North America/western countries. These are good things for us to think about and wrestle with. Still thinking … still wrestling … Amy
christine swaney said:
I am a mother of four ,but I did have fertility problems .I agree with you.I don’t feel we should make anyone feel less than anyone else.This issue comes up daily when people who work make comments to me (a stay at home mom).I think we all should be more sensitive to each other.
Cara McElhaney said:
Thought of you!
Amy said:
Thanks Cara!
Amy said:
Oh, Ames,
I figure I might as well talk as if we are lifelong friends, since we have the same name anyway. 🙂 Your words resonate with this single, non-mom, almost 29 year old living in the deep South. Yes, deep south, where family is the rule. And yet, Jesus, in his gentle love, and awesome sense of humor, does this: my rotation in nursery duty is sunday. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
– From another Ames
Amy said:
Hello fellow Amy! I love it when Jesus, as you said, does things in love and humor! Amy
Amy said:
What a ministry you have by replying to all of these comments! Thanks! And just a bit about how I got here – my friend who is in Guatemala posted it to her facebook. Not sure where she linked from. How’s that for making the world smaller!
Bev J. said:
My husband is a pastor and he has always been sensitive to non-Moms, to those who have lost babies or who are infertile, to women who may have had difficult relationships with their Moms and also to those who have lost their Moms. He has also been careful with the Proverbs 31 scenario…the perfect, super woman as that passage can intimidate women. We can strive to do some of those things, but no one can do it all perfectly all the time. Not only on Mother’s Day, but always, all women need to be respected and honored. Men also need to be respected on Father’s Day and year round. They may also be suffering guilt or hurts for many reasons.
We experienced infertility and after 12 years of marriage, adopted a baby girl, then 7 years later, two toddlers. That made my husband extra careful in making all women in the congregation feel valued. Did I mention that he is a wonderful shepherd-pastor who truly cares about people and their needs? He is also a loving, wonderful husband and father!
Personally I hate it when people are asked to stand for any reason during church services. He avoids it like the plague! Some pastors do that for silly, unnecessary purposes and often do it on the spur of the moment, not really thinking through the implications. Many congregants are embarrassed and feel uncomfortable and intimidated. Some may not return again depending on the question. If an altar call is given, that is different. A person can willingly go forward to the front or to a prayer room. They should not be “hustled” or forced. Jesus never forced anyone.
Church can be complicated. Life is complex. God is the one who gives wisdom in all things!
Amy said:
Amen, Bev!
Larry C said:
Mother’s Day is a day for people to honor their mothers. This woman has made it about HER. Her article screams “I’m not included” which is tacky and selfish. She may not BE a mother, but she has/had one. Bshe should be thinking about HER. I’m sorry she doesn’t get to stand. should Hallmark stop selling Mother’s Day cards just because she can’t receive one? Her attitude is typical of the “me” generation. My dear, life is not about just YOU.
Amy said:
Oh Larry, I know that :). Amy
Randi Delany said:
As I read these comments, it’s interesting to observe that it is mostly men, who don’t understand what women feel on these issues. Even we women who are mothers are able to understand and feel for these women.
Look at the stories in the Bible, of Rachel and Sarah, and Hannah, and Elisabeth…were their yearnings for children selfish? Perhaps in some ways, but God understood because He created them and instilled those desires in them, Himself. I think some of these men who are making negative comments should recognize that they can’t begin to understand what God put in the hearts of women, and not of men, and pray for a more sympathetic and understanding mindset.
I have been blessed with step-children, biological children, adopted children, foster children, day care children, the love of children of friends and relatives in the places I’ve lived and in my church, and now 14 wonderful grandchildren, but I KNOW instinctively, in a small way, how these women feel, because I know how I would feel if I were in their situations, and it’s only by God’s mercy thay my path has been different.
Thank you God, for giving Amy this gift of speaking what is on the hearts of many, many women.
Amy said:
And to so many of you readers for raising your hands and saying “me too!”
LeAnne said:
Larry, I am so so sorry that this is the way you read Amy’s words. Everything about her is the opposite of selfish. I think her words were as much for the now thousands of women who have read them over the last few days as for herself. Mother’s Day is a wonderful day, and I assure you Amy believes so. Yet each of us will be surrounded by women on Sunday who have very deep hurts or longings that it seems to be taboo to discuss. Grief nor disappointment defines someone as selfish.
Alison said:
Larry, the days that have been established by the card makers and retailers do have a source of hurt for those grieving and mourning a loss or disappointment.
Most of us cannot know or empathize the with loss or longing unless we have lived it. A lot do not recognize pain or joy unless we have lived it. If you re-read Amy post the first few lines do say let me put this into context. Here is some thoughts to consider. I am with LeAnne, I am sorry YOU read selfishness into Amy’s post.
Valentines day is the same way. I never realized how horrible the day is for those who are single until my husband passed away. I had a Valentine for 30 years, I never considered how horrible the day felt until I had to live it alone.
Amy thank you for the courage and the elegance in the way you phrased your post, Thank you for having the courage to remind us of the longing and loss feeling some people feel on mothers day.
Amy said:
Alison, and thank you for standing up for someone you don’t even know (but maybe are getting to know?!). We can’t all know the losses that others experience, but we can at least acknowledge them! 30 is a long time to spend with someone! Amy
jbeer said:
Initially i had some similar thoughts, that yes, we as individuals are responsible for our own emotional “junk” so to speak, and it can seem selfish. That said, I don’t think that’s what the writer is getting at. I think she’s saying that churches can think outside the box, and acknowledge the celebration and the pain. We can take a “just get over it and deal with it” approach, and lots of people do, but i don’t believe that’s very Christlike. If we are compassionate, loving, understanding, we would mourn with those who mourn in the service and rejoice with those who rejoice. People’s pain and suffering is real and valid, and i took this article as just being honest. If we want church to be a place where people feel loved, safe and cared for, we need to move forward with thoughtful sensitivity.
Amy said:
I am the queen of “deal with your junk,” yet as I hear of true loss and pain, sometimes people just need to know they are not alone and then they CAN deal with the junk. The messy middle is about both Truth and Grace and the street fights that can occur between them as we try to work this out in ways that draw people in and move them in maturity in their faith. Thanks Jbeer (though I think ‘beer’ is probably your last name, if it happens to be your favorite drink, that’s cool too). Amy
elizabeth said:
Not everyone has a mother, and some mothers have done more harm than good. Love for others carefully weighing whether doing something that will hurt them is worth it.
Amy said:
Yes it does Elizabeth. You hint that your story may be one that has some very painful elements. I am sorry. I am also trusting that God will bring others into your life that can do for you what others should have. Thank you for risking sharing here! Amy
debhalasz said:
Wow!!! I can’t believe you have said this is selfish! It is obviously alien for you to understand the pain of not being a mom when society says you’re not a woman if you’re not a mom. Society has put this stigma upon us, and posts like this, much like a discussion helps us and instead, “it’s all about me”, it’s confirmation that I’m not alone.
Having said this, I have to wonder if you’re not a troll who just wanted to stir up arguments.
Deborah Debi Kirk- Allen said:
I am not alone, that is exactly how I felt reading this, Not seflishness, not at all. I too shared it with my church’s facebook page. We will not be attending church this Sunday, as a matter of fact I won’t even be in town for this reason I NEED a distraction. almost 56 yrs old & never have a child or a misscarraige & it still bothers me. I get so tired of people saying stand up your a mom to your pets arn’t you. OR people who think I don’t know anything about raising kids because I never gave birth. Celebrate my mom you say, she abandoned my sister & I so no I can’t do that eighter. I never knew there were others out there like me, I would have felt selfish asking for my church to change this policy IF I hadn’t read all the coments. I AM NOT ALONE. Thank you for writing this & Thanks to my sister in law who shared it on her facebook page, it made me cry & gave me a sence of relief.
Amy said:
No, you are NOT alone! Enjoy your distraction!
anitalynn said:
Oh Larry. I’m sorry you’ve sorely missed the boat in reading Amy’s spot-on sharing of her heart—which obviously has touched many others. I encourage you to read all these other responses, with a listening heart. This is what Christ has called the body of Christ to do–transparent, loving dialogue.
Thank you Amy. Our Father does know us better than we know ourselves, but our journey in this world is so unique for each woman. He is honored when we share that journey with our sisters & brothers in Christ.
Jordan S. said:
As a women who is struggling with infertility & who has just gone through a miscarriage, I have to say that even I agree with Larry, while losing my baby was the hardest thing I have ever gone through, I know that on Sunday morning (as I stay seated while mothers stand) that I will rejoice with them. Just because I suffered a loss doesn’t mean that those around me shouldn’t be recognized & celebrated for being mothers, & it would be selfish of me to take that away from them.
It’s mothers day, not women’s day & I believe that celebrating all women takes away from the special meaning of celebrating mothers. The church I belong to has mothers stand & they are given a carnation, we have a woman in our church that was never able to have children, however she had several foster children over the years, she was a mother to those children, even if it was only for a short time, & we recognize her for that. My point is, don’t cause others to miss out because of your feelings, why should mothers not be recognized just because your not one? I’m not a mother yet (If I will ever be one) but I would be sad seeing my own mother not get recognized & celebrated for being such an amazing mom, as well as the other amazing moms in the congregation.
LeAnne said:
Okay, sweet friend. How amazing are you? I called before even reading the comments. You’re responding personally to each like the giving person you are. You are a blessing, and I know the Father is smiling HUGE right now.
Amy said:
Dear, dear, LeAnne — I see your beautiful face as I type this (and it makes me smile). I know you! I also know that each of the many comments from those I don’t know comes with a face! a story, a place and for some reason God has seen fit in the past 72 hours for me to walk this path. My awareness and heart have been like the Grinch’s — they’ve grown two or three times in such a short time! Thanks for the excited text this morning when your friend in Arkansas posted this on FB. Again, reminded of how we are ALL far more connected than we realize. Thanks for helping make one connection visible!! Amy
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Laura said:
I can remember so clearly being a youth in church and their handing out corsages to mothers for all those random reasons. Now I am not someone who will have to face these questions in a church setting, but the general idea resonates so strongly with me. My first thought is that so many of these pains last longer than this year. With Sue’s mom having just died, this year’s holiday is particularly poignant this year. In addition to my own personal struggles with unsuccessfully trying to start a family, I also have friends whose children have died, friends who have had miscarriages, friends who have been unable to get pregnant, friends who had abusive mothers, friends who have such painful emotional relationships with their mothers, the list goes on. While I am one of the lucky ones who have a mother that I adore and rejoice celebrating on mother’s day, I know this is a complex day for so many. Thank you for your wisdom and beautiful words and for sharing your thoughts with us all. I love you sister Amy!
Amy said:
And I you, sister Laura. Knowing your journey, I am really touched that you commented. Your comment is the only one I’ve teared up over (probably because I know so much of the back story, walked some of it with you, and just love you)– Wish I could be with you and Lif this weekend as you have a “Young Sisters reunion!” I love you, Amy
Ann L. Pitman said:
Before leaving for seminary I was invited by my home church to preach before people who loved me and wanted to see me succeed. My pastor, a lectionary preacher suggested I look at the upcoming texts to see if there was one I felt most comfortable preaching given that I had no training yet. I found one that happened to fall on Mother’s Day. When I told my pastor this he said, “You do realize I hope, that Mother’s Day is not a liturgical holiday.” I did and promised not to preach a “Mother’s Day sermon.” WE both discoverd, however, that much is in the ears of the hearer. I used quilting as an image for describing my point only to discover that many heard a Mother’s day sermon even though nothing I was saying necessarily led to that.
Fast forward 3 years, I had completed seminary and been ordained to serve a small congregation that had suffered through several divorces in recent years. In each case it was the male member of the couple who continued active church membership. At least two of them were elders on the session. I discovered that they did not plan to attend worship because given their strained relationships with their former wives they could not stand the idea of having motherhood put on a pedestal from the pulpit. I had to assure them that I would not do that. Your prayer goes even deeper. Thank you for the reminder of all the above circumstances.
Ann
Amy said:
Ann, you raise a good point — we all hear through certain lens (of course we do!). I think it’s good for each of us to remember that we do and then to sometimes replay what we think we heard in our mind (or outloud) and ask the Holy Spirit, “is that what was said? Did I read into it? What do YOU, HS, want to say to me?”. Appeciate you taking the time to share! Amy
Patricia said:
have tried to go to church on Mother’s Day, i really have. i have tried to “feel” like a pretend mother when they acknowledge women who are around children. It’s not the same. So i have given up. Being infertile has been and will always be the single most painful event in my life. and I refused to adopt after the divorce. So i have remarried now in my late forties, and I can tell you: the pain fades, but it’s never as much in your face as it is with good Christians celebrating the greeting card-inspired mother’s day. it’s simply not worth going only to weep the rest of the day. As a pediatrician, i have been asked all my life, why don’t i have children? sometimes i’m honest and tell them. sometimes i just smile. But working with other women’s children is not the same as being a mommy. It is a huge and gaping loss, and frankly the church does not help when it celebrates women’s fertility. I understand how inclusive this is trying to be, for the biological exceptions who could not bear or adopt children. It’s just not the same. God bless everyone here.
Amy said:
Patricia, you speak truth! For those who ache to be moms, it simply is not the same. On Sunday, maybe it might help to find a different way to connect with God — maybe in nature, or journaling in a coffee shop, or listening to music while you go for a drive. It doesn’t make you better or worse for being in church on Sunday. I believe that grief can be fertilizer for the soul. But grieving is painful and can go on far longer than we might want. We are humbled to be allowed into your story a bit. Thank you. Amy
Patricia said:
Hi Amy, how kind of you. I have married a dear man whose two children are grown. I am friends with them both, but miracles of miracles, theres a little granddaughter who seems to love me. I mean as in sticks to me like glue. I could hardly trust it at first; didn’t want to in any way get in the mom and dad’s way of course. And still…she seeks me out to play dolls, to sing to the rocks along the stream out back, and to plan little trips she wants. I’m breathless that i am the object of a child’s love. It is a completely unexpected, late-in-life extraordinary gift. I see where a comment earlier accused women who couldn’t celebrate Mother’s Day of being selfish; he simply can’t understand the unrelenting grief that those of us who dedicated our lives to the care of children as being unable to have them; and in the process,make the correct decision of not adopting just because i want a child to love me. The most excruciating decision i ever made,but for me the right one. i so appreciate your kindness and your sensitivity. And yes, one day, McKenzie, her mom, and I will go to France for a special trteat.Why France? because the caves of SW France are covered with the imprint of women’s handprints from thousands of years ago; i want us to connect with them. As women. And as, even as a step-grandmother, someone who has had the chance to do at least some nuturing of children within a family’s setting. God bless you richly.
Patricia said:
I should add, i was advised to adopt when i was a single woman from age 33 to 45. However, i was in the medical field, and am conservative enough to believe that i would not have been an effective parent as a single woman, particularly one who worked long hours. I did not believe adoption would have been fair to a baby or child in my case.
Amy said:
thanks for the p.s. these are the things that are weighed as people try to decide/discern what path they are being guided to take. The reminder is helpful. Amy
Patricia said:
God bless you. I am now where I can walk through department stores where the children’s clothes are, but only in the last few years. gotten a bit teary reading through the posts, but am appreciative of your sensitivity to it.
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barbielaw06 said:
Reblogged this on lifeoutsideoflaw and commented:
A beautiful reminder of how to make Mothers Day about all women.
whichwaydidshego said:
Wow. This blesses me. I would add care-givers – those who nurture in that way. Whether babysitters/nannies/au pairs or those who care for the elderly or abused/broken, they are mothering, don’t you think? I just started yoga this week & they have been honoring the mother in us all – as a single, childless 43 year old child caregiver, I have been overwhelmingly blessed. How sad that they can do what the churches I’ve attended never, ever have. Thank you again for this!
Amy said:
I would add caregivers! In giving care we are reflecting the Imago Dei — who is the ultimate (and source) giver of care. It does make me said when we are more blessed outside the church than in it. I love the body of Christ, even when she/we miss it, this is how God has chosen to make himself present on earth. Amy
Alison said:
Amy
Thank you for such a well worded, insightful piece. This was posted by one of the pastors wives in our church on FB. We go to church to seek comfort and are often met with our own history and grief, each of us having to work through the pain of our own history, each wrestling with god on what the purpose of life is.
Thank you for acknowledging the pain of mothers day for some, and thank you for celebrating with others. I am leading up to mothers day with mixed feeling and only have just been able to knowledge why have have felt so horrible and a.w.k.w.a.r.d. every mothers day for so many years.
I gave birth to 4 children, one I had to give up for adoption when I was very young. One I have never been able to acknowledge or claim as my own, and 3 that I have been blessed to raise. While I know I am blessed to have all of these children, my heart aches because the adopted child, with whom I have been re-united. Does not wish to have a relationship with me.
The heart ache I have with this is… why would god re-unite us only to not have him in my life. I prayed and prayed for that child when I was 15 and had to give him away. I was rewarded to know that my child was safe and alive in bible college when he was 23. He is now Pastor Dave. He unfortunately has decided he does not want me in his life. The ache of that does not go away. And as much as I am thankful for all I have been given, it doesn’t matter what I do, the pain of the loss is still there. The anger at myself for not being able to let it go, and to be completely happy with what I have in my life. The pain and the anger, and the disbelief that god is letting this happen is sometimes hard to get through, as difficult as it is, I always find that god always meets me at church and I am usually able to make some sense of it.
Bless you for your great work here in educating us on the whole picture of mothers day.
Amy said:
Alison, and bless you for sharing some of your story with us! I find that we humans (again, reflecting the Imago Dei) are complex! We can feel and experience so many things at once without them canceling each other out. Joy, pride, blessing in the three you’ve gotten to be an active part of their parenting, OH YES. Heart ache, longing, sadness and a bit of confusion with your first born? Yes as well. I’ve heard that anger is the big brother emotion that protects the little brother/sister emotion — Anger is a bit more powerful than say, sadness, loneliness, hurt, or betrayal. If you had just been happy with Pastor Dave’s (to others), Son Dave’s (in your heart) decision to not have you as a part of his life … well, that’s just not true! The anger actually indicates how much you care. God will continue to meet you as he also meets with Dave. I don’t know whether Dave will want you in his life someday, maybe not; but pain and joy can exist in the same person! Again, we are richer for hearing from you, thank you. Amy
Chris said:
Alison, I have a mix of feelings related to adoption as well. I was adopted and reunited only to have my biomother make promises that she immediately followed with rejections and lies. It sucks. Royally sucks, like a cannon ball through your soul I’d rather slide down a razor blade and have my eyes gorged painful sucks.
I now have a step-son and 2 biological children along with my adoptive mother to add to my mix of emotions.In addition, I work doing home visits with children at risk and have seen insects do better parenting than some humans. There are many situations I’ve observed that leave my heart sick. There are a lot emotions involved when considering “mothering”.
Another angle to this discussion is the responsiblity we have to those who need mothering, nurturing,caregiving for whatever reason. Having uterus and ovaries does not make you a mother only an incubator. What opportunities are there for you (as in all of us) to “mother” someone in need?
Amy said:
I love how you ended this! Amy
jennifertinney said:
Thank you for this. As a woman who struggled with infertility for years before having my son, I remember the pain all too well. You have reminded us to not only acknowledge but celebrate all women who touch children’s lives.
Amy said:
Jennifertinney, it’s people like you, who know many sides, that can be bridges in communities, thanks for helping to link both sides! Amy
Amy said:
Jennifertinney, people like you, who have walked both sides, can be bridges in our communities! I love how there are elements of redemption written in every comment and lived out in every life. For your bridge-y-ness, thanks for letting us walk on it today! Amy
Ann said:
WELL said and SO very much needed! I hope every pastor in America gets hold of your message and ends this practice. AWKWARD is the perfect word to describe it for that’s exactly what it is! Not to mention UNNECESSARY!
jbeer said:
Ooooo i love the idea of having al the women/girls in the church to stand and have the men applaud them, thank them and pray for them, and read what you so beautifully wrote, acknowledging it’s a day of celebration, gratitude and sorrow. How cool would that be! Then we would ALL get flowers (you didn’t touch on the departure gifts- flowers and presents at the door). On a personal note mothers day can be a difficult day for step moms too! Thanks for taking the time to write this. God bless
Amy said:
Step-moms! Yes, I did forget them! And I didn’t mean too. And your ideas sound pretty cool :). Amy
Infertile CJ said:
Thank you for writing my thoughts for me!
Amy said:
Your name says it all. Though your womb may be infertile, your heart is not. Thanks for the comment. Amy
Kristy said:
Thank you. Church on Mother’s Day is so hard – and I have two healthy chilren. But, I’ve also lost five children. I cannot spend an entire day celebrating being a mother without feeling the sorrow of losing those five.
People (even pastors) don’t realize how hurtful they can be sometimes – entirely unintentional, I’m sure.
My prayer is that our churches become more compassionate with regard to their women – their hearts, bodies, minds, and spirits.
Amy said:
Ah yes! As I commented earlier, the tension we can feel as we celebrate (two!) and yet remember (five!) — it’s so much easier to put things in neat boxes. “This is a happy day, behave accordingly.” But the neat boxes rob us of the complexities of life, experience, and the mystery of faith. Praying with you, Amy
Kristy said:
~But the neat boxes rob us~
Yes, they most certainly do. And, they rob us not only of joy, but of Christian family. When I am handed Christian platitudes in the midst of my grief…I do not feel comforted. I feel as if any expression of my pain is a weakness in my faith. I feel that my hurt intrudes upon them.
Let us live Romans 12:15. I will rejoice in my Mother tomorrow. I will rejoice in the children that live here with me. And, I will mourn the five children I only held once and briefly. I will also do my best to rejoice/mourn with those women around me – whatever their joy or hurt.
Jason said:
Amy, I really appreciate this post. It fosters in me a greater sensitivity to the hearts of our ladies — mothers, would-be mothers, empty nest mothers, etc. As a minister, I shudder to think back on the things I’ve probably said / done on Mothers Day in years gone by. I can promise you two things: 1. No more standing! 2. Posts like this one lead us all to greater faithfulness — to weep with those who weep, rejoice with those who rejoice. Thanks for sharing your heart.
Amy said:
Jason, that was my hope (sadly, maybe in that order!) — stop the standing! But much more importantly, to lead us to greater faithfulness and honoring of God. Thanks for being one of the few guys who’ve given a shout out. Amy
Gary Coburn said:
Amy, thanks for the article! Mother’s day is my least favorite holiday of the year. Why is that? I was raised by a wonderful caring mother and I’m been married for 26 years to a woman that is a beautiful mother to our four children – three biological and one adopted. So why do I dislike this holiday? It’s because I’m a pastor and I’m tired of being beat up every year by mothers or non-mothers. Some have told me that every woman who is a mother, wants to be a mother, tried to be a mother, will be a mother some day, etc. should stand. Others have said that only those who are “actual” mothers should stand. So what should I do? Here are a couple of things I’ve given thought to. First, worship is about Jesus Christ, not about us. Secondly, when we worship together it should be a place of healing – a recovery group for sinners. If someone is skipping church on Mother’s Day because of the pain of not being a mother then we pastors need to re-evaluate our lessons. Yes, we need to feel the pain of conviction about the sin in our lives but not because we don’t have children.
So after reading your article and with less than 24 hours before I preach my “Mother’s Day” sermon here is what I’m gonna do. First, no standing. There is no way that I would want to hurt anyone and looking at so many of your comments this can be a very difficult day for many. Second, we will be giving roses to our mothers but not in the assembly, they will be made available afterward for anyone who fits “their” category for being a mother. (Would appreciate anyone’s comments about us doing this – maybe we should stop this as well). And lastly, I’m re-writing my sermon and will be using your “prayer for mothers” and quoting from some of the replies that have been written – only with your permission of course.
Well, sorry to be so long. Need to go, I have a sermon to re-write. 🙂
Blessings,
gary
Amy said:
Gary, yes, please use them! It’s in the comments that the real story lies, my words were merely the front door. And, Gary, we understand that this can be a tricky day for pastors. Thank you for being willing to show up, even when you know there might be some who don’t get or like what you say. And for the ways we’ve beaten you up, we are sorry. Please forgive us. We don’t say it often enough, but thanks for doing the hard work of pastoring. Amy
Amanda Mae said:
This is probably the BEST article I have EVER read! It made me cry and it was like you were speaking through me…thinking about those who are wishing we could be “mother’s” on Mother’s Day and those who have lost their children too soon. I’m sharing this on my blog…thank you for your words!
Amy said:
Amanda, thank you for reminding us that this goes so much farther and deeer and wider and involves real women like you. Amy
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Sharon said:
Thank you for your post, Amy! You rock. You get it. I stopped going to church on Mother’s Day , too. There was one church I went to for a while that really “got it” but that was a long time ago. They first had the great grandmas stand, and down the line to aunts, teachers, and any woman who has ever cared for a child….pretty much every “woman” over the age of 15 was standing and felt honored and appreciated. However, since my mom is out of state I stay away from church on Mother’s Day and spend time with God in some other way.
Amy said:
I love the idea of starting with grandmas and going from there! What a picture! Thanks for sharing it Sharon, Amy
hfaith said:
Amy,
Thank you for writing this letter. I found it on a friends FB page. I am a single foster mother and I’m happy to say my church supports this. In the past I have felt the pains of Mother’s Day celebrations while not having a child. While others celebrate with standing and giving of flowers. When my very first foster children (sibling set of girls) were moved to another home the next Mother’s Day service was hard for me. Our pastors daughter brought me a flower and said you are and will always be a “mother” to the girls. Praying that one day soon “our” adoption will be done.
Thanks again for expressing this pain we have all at one time or another felt.
Amy said:
I have friends who foster parent and it is one of the BRAVEST and HARDES things a person can do. To open your heart and home to someone(s) at a time that is difficult for them and love them with a love that says, “you will never leave,” but live with the reality that they most likely will leave (taking a piece of you with them). hfaith, my hat off to you. I’m praying for your adoption process as I type this. Amy
reformedgrits said:
My husband is pulpit supply tomorrow in an unfamiliar church. I am going to have him read this first! Thank you!
Amy said:
And thank you for sharing it! Amy
Wyomike said:
Well. For the most part I am cool with your blog. However. Is there any comment from the other side? Motherhood has taken quite a beating in this country. Womanhood has taken more of a beating in other countries. I am one of those guys who tries to see the positive and I try to think of the whole picture. Children came forward to get flowers for their mom. Others were asked to come and get flowers for women in general.
Yeah. I am with you on the standing. I have really shot down the idea…”If you’re a visitor today will you please stand, die a thousand deaths and make a vow to never cast a shadow in church again even under threat of death.” Yeah. That works.
But am I missing the point here. You are saying you don’t want to be left out. Is that a fallout of a “No one loses…everyone’s a winner” mentality of OUR culture?
So what if you aren’t a mother. If your identity is in Christ (amen) then can’t you rejoice with someone who is in a culture that thinks mothers who stay at home don’t work?
I will be sensitive tomorrow as I honor womanhood in general and (unashamedly) mothers in particular.
Our (very) small rural church has 97 cents invested in some nice pink pens. Each mom gets one. Each woman with the parts and not the goods gets one. I think they are all worth honoring.
BTW–the recognizing of the wide continuum of motherhood will be part of my service.
Thanks for your opinion.
Amy said:
Wyomike (I’m picturing you in Wyoming, but that could be way off base!), I’m not sure what you mean by “the other side.” I’m not tyring to be difficult or nit picky, I’m just trying to get it. Is the other side mothering? If so, you’re right! That’s why several lines in the prayer addresses the different stages of mothering (those who are pregnant, those who have given birth, those who have sick children, those who have children who will be leaving the nest), as I said, it’s not for the faint of heart! I am trying to say, “The family of God is big enough to hold ALL of us, not just those who are mothers in the traditional/obvious sense. To the woman who has miscarried, you are seen. To the woman who has children in heaven and on earth, you are seen. To the woman who is so emotional because you are jacked up on fertility hormones and about ready to blow a gasket, you are seen. We are the ones who think so narrowly, God is VAST, AMAZING, and able to do SO MUCH MORE, we are the ones who have bought into Hallmarks definition (overall) and I, for one, am wanting to see God’s name made famous for all!” Amy (p.s. I’d gladly take a pink pen from you :)! thanks!)
Wyomike said:
Well. I can see the vagueness of “the other side”.
I won’t define it. This really is a sticky-wicket.
There is the tendency to have ‘knee-jerk’ reactions to the causes out there. I try not to do that. I didn’t participate in the preparing of ‘Easter’ eggs this year. I thought the vehicle is too far from the truth of the occasion. I did get a little feedback on my decision. No digression here. Just showing you that I am a pastor who asks the question, “Why are we doing WHAT we are doing?”
A Pastor’s Dilemma with Mother’s Day
Lots of Pastors (men) struggle with messages for today.
I am in good company as I try to focus on the one who truly deserves honoring (Jesus Christ) without ignoring a ‘Hallmark’ occasion…a chance to reach out to all who are present who need the love of Christ in very special ways.
So. You’ve obviously found an issue that LOTS of people want to discuss. I hope you understood my concern about being over-sensitive. Especially when we live in a time when EVERY child is a winner and no one is a loser. Application: Oh. She got to be honored as a mother. I didn’t get to be honored. I feel bad.
My father was a terrible dad. Father’s Day was an issue I had to work through while growing up. Now, I look to God as my Father. I found godly men as I became a man who modeled Christ to me.
Got to go.
Yeah. Wyoming. Cool place.
Mike
Amy said:
And a windy one :)! Thanks for sharing more! Amy
Michael said:
Reblogged this on Dead Beat Bible Society and commented:
An important blog entry about worshiping on Mother’s Day.
Marcie said:
You spoke my heart! I love my church and my pastor and am very involved in many ministries but as a single 30 something never been married, not a mom, Mother’s day at church is awkward. Thank you for sharing your heart, I’ll be sharing your writing with others!
A sister in Christ ~ Marcie
Amy said:
Thanks Marcie! You sound like the kind of person people will listen to 🙂 Amy
Kitti said:
Beautifully written and so true!
Tammy said:
Beautiful! Your Mother should be very proud!
Amy said:
Thanks Tammy, at least she thought my mother’s day card was clever — I posed among penguin statues and told her I was one of her most unique creations :). Amy
Suzanne said:
Amen. Thanks for your post! Here’s a prayer that reminds me of the beautiful one here in your post. http://youngclergywomen.org/prayer-for-parents-those-who-want-to-be/
Amy said:
Thanks Suzanne! Amy
Stephanie said:
As someone who suffered a miscarriage the week after Mothers day last year and has struggled with infertility for the last three years, I appreciate this. I celebrate my mom and the other women in my life that are moms but a lot of people don’t understand how hard and painful this day is. Thanks for your words….you hit it write on the head.
Amy said:
I think you got right to the heart of it with “a lot of people don’t understand how hard and painful this day is.” Hopefully, a small movement has been started the creates space to acknowledge and celebrate moms (yes!) BUT also acknowledge and celebrate/sit with (which ever is needed) others. Amy
revgmurray said:
This is an important piece. As a pastor (though not serving a church on this Mother’s day), I have always tried to remember all women on Mother’s day.
This year, I come to Mother’s Day with a bit of sadness and with great respect for my beautiful 20 year old daughter. You see, she is expecting her first baby in November, my first biological grandchild. And she will not be the parent of this baby. She realizes that the best thing she can offer this child is a different set of parents. Economically and emotionally she is not ready.
So this is a bittersweet day. And we don’t know how to come to this day. I am honoring her as a woman of integrity who is offering a special gift to another family. I love her, and the very special mothers she represents, those who put their child first.
To all women, know that you have touched someone’s life.
Amy said:
Oh yes, while felt (often) most deeply by the woman going through something, due to the web of connections, others feel it too. To that grandbaby who will always have a place in your heart, start praying for her now! I have a niece that in the recesses of my heart I call “the one who goes by one name in my heart and another to the world.” Amy
Joye said:
As a mom I have to admit – I love getting to stand on Mother’s Day, not to make anyone feel badly, but because I am so honored to be the mother of my 5 kids. But our church also has a time during the service for couples who want to have a baby to stand for prayer. The Church Body gathers around these couples and prays for them to have a child. It is always so moving when we have Parent Commitment Service and couples share their testimony of standing for prayer on Mother’s Day as they commit to raising their new child for the Lord.
Amy said:
Joye, I know that some moms DO love standing! Some don’t. That’s the hard part :). Amy
Judi said:
It is difficult a difficult day for many of us. I would not want to stop others from celebrating, yet struggle with the idea of centering on “moms” rather than our Savior, especially in a service where we come as the people of God to worship Him alone. I’m thankful for those pastors in my journey who have given honor where it’s due, while helping us to focus on Christ in even this area of life.
Thanks for your thoughtful post, Amy. It’s appreciated.
Amy said:
Yes! As I was trying to point to with my third suggestion, make the focus on God! and on our journeys, joys, and stuggles and not as much on us personally. Thanks for the comment! Amy
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Sarah said:
🙂 Great insight Amy. Thanks for taking the time to write and share. I’m impressed at how far your post has traveled into other circles of people I know but you don’t! It seems you have the best Mother’s Day message this year. 😉
Amy said:
I am shocked by the connections that are being made. It’s kind of surreal when worlds clash, eh? Was thinking of you this weekend, friend. Hope all is well where you are :)!! Amy
Paul said:
Thank you! May I please quote the italicised portion in my sermon tomorrow? Thank you for ministering to me.
Amy said:
Paul, yes! Please and thank you! and you’re welcome. We are being the body to one another! Amy
Tyson said:
Great words! Thank you Amy! My wife and I are both on the pastoral team at our church and have lived the hurt that you talk about. It wasn’t until we were 35 when we adopted a newborn baby girl. Yes, she has been a bundle of joy and love for us, but the years leading up to that were especially awkward in our role as pastors. Living in the fish bowl, feeling like everybody is questioning, “I wonder what is wrong with them? Why haven’t they had kids? Do they not like kids?” along with a thousand other questions, all along we are just wishing for a little grace and understanding. The reality is that God is aware of our situation, in fact we were on his mind before we were every created. It is no surprise whether we have spouses or not, it is no surprise whether we have children or not. This is not what our lives are to be all about. They are blessings of life, but not the goal of life. Our goal is to live for him and obey God’s direction in our life – the point of being his witnesses in our broken and messed up world and making disciples. When we do that and listen to him, we will more than likely be right where he wants us. I pray that your words are taken to heart by pastors all over, they are important words. People, especially women are hurting everywhere, some more so on this particular Sunday. Grace and peace to you. Thank you for speaking up.
Tyson
Amy said:
Tyson, and thanks for your words. There are men who feel the impact of the day as well. And contentment can come in so many forms! I am a very contented single woman, I know of married women who are not content. You’re right that our goal is to live for and glorify God and seek to find satisfaction (esp?!) in situations we might not choose. So much easier to do it consistently in situations we choose, eh?! Amy
David @ Red Letter Believers said:
http://redletterbelievers.blogspot.com/2010/05/mothers-day-and-worship-do-two-belong.html
Here’s a few of my thoughts. And yes, you are right.
DV said:
Why would someone legitimately issue a request such as this?
Matthew 20:15 says:
Is it not lawful for me to do what I will with my own? Is your eye evil, because I am good?
Why attempt to take away from those who have done no wrong in an attempt to satisfy your own selfish misgivings and sinful insecurity?
Very sad thought process.
Amy said:
Hi Dusty, I’m not sure I’m tracking with your thought process. Amy
DV said:
Amy, thanks for responding. If you read Matthew 20, it’s a great parallel to this blog post. We can’t tailor our responses to others based on own feelings of insecurity and unattainable comparisons about God’s blessings to them. God blesses everyone differently.
We are called to preach the gospel to all nations. That is our first ministry. So, if some of us are mothers and some of us are not, any awkward feelings based on those emotions need to be brought to God. We shouldn’t diminish the celebration of being a mother for all those who CAN celebrate that simply because our selfish and inadequate feelings are getting in the way.
So, if you aren’t a mother, maybe you aren’t supposed to be a mother? That’s God’s plan for you, and if so, then you are committing a sin by doubting that his plan for you is somehow any less than being a mother–or by allowing those feelings to dominate any comparison between you.
I can’t believe I’m the only one who has mentioned this here. I know your intentions were good, and I do think there is value in reaching out to the disenfranchised–especially in organized religion, but to do so at the expense of those who have done nothing wrong-simply became mothers–and to make this about you instead of them by walking out of their recognition–that is wrong. I hope you can see that.
Thanks again Amy.
Amy said:
Hi DV, I don’t think we are on as different wave lenghts (for lack of a better phrase) than you might think. But sometimes communicating in writing is hard :), over a beer or cup of tea, I might get your point more quickly! I am one of the happiest non-moms there is. When I turned 40 it was a relief because I thought people would finally stop asking / commenting what I great mother I would be. BUT not everyone thinks and feels like I do (duh). On a day like mother’s day, maybe those who have experienced loss (in whatever form) are like the “widows” and “orphans” we are challenged over and over in scripture to be sure we tend to in our midst. Last night as I was replying to comments, I sensed “you are caring for the least of these on this day.” It’s not wrong to be a mom (another ‘duh’ comment), but maybe the way we go about honoring it might be. Just a thought. Amy
Wesley said:
But DV, does the Gospel demand we have mothers stand during worship services? Paul also tells us that if something causes another believer to stumble we shouldn’t do it. Mothers Day has only been around for 100 years and it seems the Church managed to be successful without it before then. So why make honoring mothers to the exclusion of non-mothers an issue central to the Gospel. It’s just not, and if our emphasis during worship causes problems for people, it’s valid for people like Amy to raise the issue of how we deal with something like this.
Amy said:
Wesley, you said it better than I did! Thanks :). Amy
DV said:
Perhaps at times like these you have to ask yourself not somuch “is this right or wrong?” But “is it wise?” No, it is not wise to walk out of a church service because you as a minority are not being catered to on a day that has not so very much to do with your societal status. But if you feel so persecuted, so very slighted that you must do so, then I dare suggest the issue is not with a 100 year old tradition, but within your very thought processes; within your self centeredness.
Rachel said:
Thank you, so much, for your eloquent way of explaining this. I had no idea had to get my reaction to this post written out correctly, but this was a great way of explaining it. And I do agree that these issues of ones insecurity and doubt should be brought to God, to be offered up to Him because they are not up to us. Thank you, thank you.
Amy said:
Rachel, thanks for commenting. Oh yes, on the “bring it to God.” (it’s gets sticky when He reminds us that the body IS his representative on earth and then that representative kind of bites you in the behind.) Amy
Ruth Rutherford said:
Amen and amen! All the moms walk out of church on Mother’s Day with flowers and pins and books… But we single gals who watch their psycho crazy kids every week in the nursery leave with a bag of dirty diapers. Stop the madness! (I kid… but only a little.)
Amy said:
I think we’d enjoy sharing a diet coke! Amy
Anne said:
A wonderful piece of writing! As one who has been through nearly the entire gamut – biological mother, stepmother, foster mother and losing two to miscarriage – it really struck a nerve. What is most painful for me is that my eldest is estranged from me because of mental illness. The bright and sparkly child I raised is now gone, lost in the maelstrom of bipolar, OCD and depression. Even though I know its illogical, I deep down feel a failure as a mother, because I can’t save my adult child – who does not want to be saved. *sigh* Its a hard lesson.
Amy said:
Oh Anne, you have been through quite the gamut. It sounds like you have managed to maintain a sensitive spirit. You most certainly HAVE had some hard lessons. I’d be curious to hear how they have been used to walk with others? Thanks for the comment. Amy
Kindy said:
Linked this on my blog! Thanks for saying exactly what is on my mind!
Amy said:
And thanks to you! Amy
Sharon said:
Beautiful! I am working on transforming the mother’s room and nursery of our church, and we are putting quotes on the walls. May I use your words in the section about the wide continuum of motherhood for that purpose (credited to messymiddle.com, of course)? I think it would be a lovely way to acknowledge motherhood for women along the wide continuum of motherhood who will pass through that space.
Amy said:
Sharon, this sounds meaningful! Please feel free to share! Amy
Kristi said:
Amy – so crazy finding you here. My husband Tim was reading your blog yesterday and I said, “oh my goodness – I know her!” Tim is a pastor at a church in Bellingham and we have expressed similar feelings to the staff regarding mothers day. I very much appreciated your words. It is funny because I was actually thinking of you just a few weeks ago when I got an email from Patty. I will make sure to add your blog to my blogroll. I hope all is well!
Best,
Kristi Knipp
Amy said:
Kristi!!!! (yes, count them … FOUR exclamation points!) How excited I am to see your comment and the remembrance of those days on Fed. Blvd! I’m a little busy with comments now, but when I have a bit more space, would love to hear what you are up to. Oh my goodness, indeed! So crazy, so cool! Amy
Perryville Pastor said:
Although it’s already been said perhaps more than once, I verge on abhoring these secular days of “honoring” mothers, fathers, etc., instead of realizing that we ought to honor our mothers, fathers, etc., with gratitude to God for them every day. It’s too bad that we’ve become “victims” of all sorts of money-making schemes especially by the greeting cards and flowers industries.
Having vented that frustration, I don’t have a problem honoring mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, etc., on their appointed “special day.” After all, aren’t we encouraged in Holy Scripture to rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep?
It sort of reminds me of when I coached my then young sons baseball teams. In order to not make any players feel bad or left out we gave trophies to all the players at the end of the season, no matter how good or bad they were. In retrospect, I think that was a bad idea. The reality of life is that God blesses some in some ways and others in other ways. So, let’s rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep. Let’s not stop a fine tradition simply because it may not apply to some.
Those who, for whatever reason in Almighty God’s divine providence, have not been blessed with motherhood should still be more than willing to rejoice with those whom He has blessed in that manner even as those whom He has blessed with motherhood ought to weep with those whom He has not blessed with such.
This side of eternity true “fairness” will never been achieved. Thank God that He doesn’t deal with us according to fairness, rather, according to His mercy and grace. Let us do so with one another as well.
Finally, as a previous responder said, the Lord’s Day is about the LORD, not His created beings. Such secular “celebrations” don’t belong in the Lord’s Day worship service. Focus on, thanksgiving to, and praise of Jesus Christ ought to consume the Lord’s Day worship. Of course, the Lord’s Day worship can certainly (and even ought to) include gratitude for the many blessings He has given us, including mothers, fathers, etc.
Amy said:
Perryville, I think people know life isn’t fair, but must we rub their nose in it? That’s all I’m asking. grace and peace! Amy
Carl Campbell said:
Blessings and thanks to you, Amy and the many who have shared their comments. I saw your writings on a friend, Brenda, who lives in Canada page. I am in the Bahamas where I am a pastor. I have church member who lives in China and her teenage son who lives in Jamaica, is flying to spend the summer holidays with her on Wednesday. Your writing is provocative, compassionate and inspiring. I have been reading you for the past two days and have found the comments relevant, historical in many family relations and so empowering. I have hit the ‘ share’ button several times and also sent it to one of the local radio talk show host. I also,will be sharing it in the service today. May we all in the faith and grace of Christ affirm, embrace, strengthen and celebrate our primary relationships in life in their rawness, tenderness, powerful potentiality and mysterious interconnectedness. My mother, Gleaker , passed away three years ago but the loving relationship continues in the triumph of the resurrection and the life of prayer by the church triumphant and militant. God bless you all.
Amy said:
Carol, thanks for sharing some of how this post has traveled. I’ve been curious some of the trails. I love this line: May we all in the faith and grace of Christ affirm, embrace, strengthen and celebrate our primary relationships in life in their rawness, tenderness, powerful potentiality and mysterious interconnectedness.
Yes, yes, and more yes! Amy
JR said:
I’m leading church tonight, as a single women approaching 30. This is exactly what i was looking for. I wanted to acknowledge Mother’s Day, but i didn’t want to make it hard for myself, or others.
Thanks.
Amy said:
You’re welcome! Amy
Leah said:
Thank you for this letter. I feel like I am understood. Thank you!
Amy said:
Know that it is God who truly understands you and used these words to remind you :)! Amy
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Amy said:
Sandra, I love your writing and your blog. That you would see fit to share a bit of your story here, blesses me more than I can express. Thank you. Amy
Sandra Heska King said:
Oh yes, Amy! Beautifully and wonderfully put. I was in one church where the pastor asked all moms to stand. I mentioned the pain to him, so the next year he had all moms stand and then all the women–and said something like we were all spiritual moms. That didn’t help my pain.
Later I was in a small church that met in a nursery school. I was in the choir, which was just a handful of us that sat in front of the small congregation. The pastor not only had all the moms stand, but also then had all the children stand and say together, “I love you, Mom.” At that point, after years of infertility treatment that ultimately resulted in an ectopic pregnancy and loss of my ability to ever conceive, I nearly lost it in front of everyone.
I didn’t go back to church on Mother’s Day after that until after we had adopted–but I still find it very uncomfortable.
Thank you for this.
Amy said:
Cynthia said:
Thank you, Amy. I am a pastor–it’s the morning of Mother’s Day–my husband and I have struggled with infertility for 4 years–and the proof has come yet again today (of all days!) that I am once again not pregnant. It will be a difficult day, but your blog has helped.
Two areas I wanted to touch on–First, to the people to whom you have graciously responded who have said things like, “Well, what about actual mothers? Why are you trying to take away their joy? Shouldn’t the church be about honoring them too because of commandment #5/6?” I have dealt with this, and I always respond with 1 Samuel and the prayers of our matriarchs who experienced “barrenness”. I point out that Torah also says that Isaac prayed for Rebekah, who was barren. They married when he was 40, the scripture says…and he did not become a father until he was 60. Assuming something like our “years”, that’s still quite awhile to be praying and wondering if God has heard your prayer. Just because the Bible acknowledges in one line a desire to have us honor our mothers doesn’t mean it also doesn’t in many many many many other lines acknowledge women for whom that would be difficult.
Second, one other category that my congregation (which is older) is dealing with–the mother who is old enough to be a grandmother, but whose children have never had children. If I think it’s bad that many people come up to me and ask about my children (I usually respond, “Well, right now they have a flea problem, but we’re working through it.”), it’s really tough on older women who are apparently expected to have a “grandma brag book” in tow. If it’s ok, I’m going to add a brief line to your prayer to that effect for use this morning.
Amy said:
Cynthia, first of all, grace and peace to you this morning as you minister to others in the midst of your own story. Thank for those scriptural answers to these questions (and reminding us that there is plenty of room for complexity!). Please, please add a line about older women who had pictured themselves holding, playing with, and enjoying grandkids. Thanks for reminding us! Amy
Kathy Sneller Davelaar said:
Amy, this is so lovely! As a pastor, a mother, a grandmother, I have found leading worship on Mother’s Day a sensitive thing. For all the reasons you bring up. Fortunately, the congregation’s I’ve served (mostly) did not expect a so-called Mother’s Day Sermon. But the day was acknowledged in prayer and perhaps a litany. Always mindful of the tenderness the day brings. Thank you for writing this. I posted it on my Facebook page.
Amy said:
Kathy, I was at two different churches today (long story) and neither sermon was about mothers. We got a good dose of the good shepherd in one and taking off the old/putting on the new in the other. Appreciate the posting. Amy
matt said:
I’m a pastor and I appreciate this, and will be using it in my welcoming remarks as well (I did add “To those who offer of themselves to care for, teach, guide, and enjoy the children of others – we thank you.” Hope that’s okay…) I have, in the past, done the “figure out who the newest mom is, etc.” thing, in a way that many people looked forward to. Recognizing that this is not universal, though, this year we are giving a flower to every woman. All that said, it grieves me that so many absent themselves from worship on this day. While it’s true that I may have done the “wrong” thing in trying to recognize those who are mothers, I always – always – have molded the message of the day in a way that reflects the role we all play in the nurture of the youngest and most vulnerable in our community and explicitly state that we know what a mother is because we know who God is. There is a place for a redemptive word to be spoken to all on mother’s day, and it is truly unfortunate that many who might be most in need, most able to add to the depth and diversity of the discussion, are not there to hear, speak, or reflect.
Amy said:
It is OK! Like you, it grieves me and that’s why I wanted to let pastors know. Once we know, we can do something about it. Thanks for being one who is reaching out to ALL that we need to hear from (and that would be, incase it isn’t obvious, everyone :)). Amy
abby said:
Amy,
I read this from the comfort of my couch, physically and emotionally distanced from my church body this morning because I don’t know if it’s worth risking the pain of having another Mother’s Day rubbed in my face. I miss my two miscarried babies. Today I miss them so much I can hardly breathe without thinking of them and wondering about the way my life would be if I had them here.
I know at church there will be mention of the fact that today is hard for some people, but it is tacked on as an afterthought, amid the stand-up game, baby dedication, and motherhood interviews during the service. This is so hard. I know I am not the only one who feels this way. I believe the church should first look to be the arms of Christ, who is near to the brokenhearted, before conforming to a sentimental greeting-card holiday instead of switching things around as so many churches have done. During a weekend full of external griefs (like commercials, store displays, etc.), we who are wounded should be able to RUN to the arms of our church families for succor and compassion instead of staying home so we don’t “ruin the day” for others.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts here. They are wonderful. I will pass them on to my pastors after the Mother’s Day hullabaloo has passed for this year, and hopefully we can institute some better changes for next year. I’m so glad to find your blog and look forward to reading more in the future!
-Abby.
Amy said:
Abby, I have always been struck by how many women in the old testament walked the lonely, trying trail of infertility (the Bible doesn’t specifically mention it, but that must include some miscarriages). It’s my night time, so my brain isn’t working that well, but off the top of my head there is Hannah, Rachel, Sarah, Elizabeth and I think there are more (others, help please!). Now, in each of these cases, they ended up having a child and I don’t mean to mitigate your pain or imply that you will have a child. Your loss is real and I don’t know what your story will be. But I do know this … you do not travel alone. I am going to pray that someone from your church body will reach out to you and that you will sense God’s presence in that gesture. Thank you for sharing part of your story, you honor us with it. Amy
abby said:
Thanks for your response, Amy!
Though perpetual childlessness is not statistically inevitable in my circumstances, it’s important for me to remember children are a blessing, not a right. And you are correct – scripture is full of rich lessons for me here.
I like how the Bible says Elizabeth hid herself for five months. In my experience, women hide pregnancies that long because of previous loss, so I like to think her story may have had some miscarriages, too. And in addition to your list of infertile women, Luke’s gospel doesn’t mention any children of Anna, the Prophetess at the temple. She had suffered the loss of her spouse and all hope of having children went with him. I always think of her holding the little Christ-child when Mary and Joseph brought Him in for consecration. I imagine her joy and satisfaction in beholding him must have surpassed that of anything she would have experienced with a baby of her own.
Susan said:
Although I have told infertile friends “Just don’t go to church on Mother’s Day!”, I never had the nerve to stay home myself. I used to cry in church on Mother’s Day because I longed for children, and then I cried in church out of gratitude for my two adopted children, and this year? This year I have teenagers. There may be sobbing of a different sort yet again,.
Amy said:
Susan, thanks for sharing a bit of your story! Amy
madtortuga said:
I pray for the mothers who have lost children through abortion, too often a choice made in desperation due to lack of resources and support. Women deserve better.
Amy said:
Yes! the should be included too. Amy
Ami said:
I’m a Mom (and an Ami!), and I’m happy to be a Mom, but I could easily do without Mother’s Day. I have started skipping church on holidays, because they become more of a circus than anything else – have to entertain those who only got dragged in because their mothers begged them, you know. Then rather than a relaxing day at home maybe getting something accomplished, you have to run hither and thither to ‘celebrate’ however the rest of the family decides, because you don’t want to disappoint them – because that’s what Moms do.
Amy said:
That’s it: the circus aspect. Thank you! Amy
hopefulleigh said:
This is a wonderful and healing post, Amy! I hope pastors will read it and reflect on its message. The prayer included here is gorgeous- what a lovely way to acknowledge and affirm all women no matter what their mothering experience has been. I’ve only walked out of a Mother’s Day service a couple of times because of ostracizing actions. Though I no longer go there, I decided not to go to my new church this morning. I don’t think they would do anything to exclude the nonmothers and mourners in their midst but sometimes it’s better safe than sorry.
Amy said:
Hopefulleigh, I understand, but it also makes me sad (not that you didn’t go, but that it might be safer not to). Amy
baremorec said:
I shared this on my blog today. thank thank you thank you. you are a blessing.
Candie Blankman said:
Thank you for this, Amy. I am a pastor and every year I struggle to find the balance that acknowledges the gift of mothers and yet clearly and fully embraces and celebrates those who for whatever reason are not. As a result I have never preached a mother’s day sermon. I continue through whatever text/topic we are in after Easter. We also give flowers to all the women (college age and up). And in our prayers of the people we pray for those who suffer on this day because of the loss of a mother or the reality that they never had the kind of mother we all long for and need, or because they have lost a child or are in a place where they see no child in their future. We especially celebrate all women who have been like mothers anyone. These are the patch work quilt of women God puts in our lives that enriches us no matter what our experience with or as a mother. Blesssings as you serve in the messy middle. It is where I live, too.
Amy said:
Candie, thank you. I wish more pastors felt free/called/confident to just keep preaching in their series — the Holy Spirit does a wonderful job of speaking to each of us the message that we need to hear. I think the messy middle is a great place to be, though not always easy! Amy
Sasha said:
Simply put, thank you for this. Too many forget what you have very gracefully stated.
Kara said:
Thank you so much for your post. I’m sharing it with all I know. I am one of those who does not attend on Mother’s day. I love my pastor, he is a wonderful man of God…but he also does the “stand if you are a mother/grandmother/etc”. 7 years ago, I lost my only child to a rare disease. We haven’t been able to get pregnant since. No matter what I would decide about standing, it would be awkward. If I don’t stand, I feel like I deny Joey’s existence. If I do stand, then it reminds everyone else and they feel bad – or new ones who don’t know then wonder…and then they feel bad.
Thank you.
Amy said:
Kara, we remember Joey with you today; your community is richer for having you in it. You’re welcome. Amy
sallyu said:
Amy, this spoke volumes to me. I haven’t been to church on Mother’s day since high school, but I remember situations like this occurring and in one case, I recall the mothers being given flowers to hold during the service. At the time I felt kind of awkward because some services included all women (even a 13 year old me) and others alienated many women. What you have written on here, is so wonderful and so inclusive of all the mother figures and those who are suffering on this day.
My 2-year wedding anniversary is coming up and I have had to deal with all the “maybe you’re pregnant” or other pregnancy comments from coworkers any time I don’t feel well. They have no idea what I am going through and frankly, it’s none of their business what’s going on in my body. But it can be incredibly hurtful and upsetting when others are insensitive to motherhood (or the inability to be a mother).
My situation is no one’s business, as is everyone else’s. But what we have in common is the misconception of others that pregnancy is simple to achieve and defines one as a woman. There are “mothers” of every type and these are who we are honoring today.
Thank you again for sharing and I really hope this can be heard by all. This should be a happy day and with consideration for all, it can be.
Amy said:
Sallyu, simply put, thank you. Amy
weareboundtogether said:
Thank you for sharing. For the past 4 years I have stayed away from church on mother’s day for that very reason. And for a couple years before that it was always “Maybe next year…” Then I told it was impossible to ever have children.
At first staying away from church was just like you described. It was a sad day. Not anything against the moms, but I’m not one of them, and it was very sad. I just needed a day to be alone. It’s like my day when all my children died at once. I was also diagnosed shortly before mothers day, so that did not help.
Unfortunetly this year mothers day is even harder. Other Christians have chastiesed and rebuked me for staying away. They have condemned me and actually told be if I ever did become a mother I would be a horrible one because of my ‘attitude’. Thanks for understanding.
At least my husband has been supportive. But now, mother’s day is a whole lot of hurt.
Amy said:
If someone actually said to you that you would be a horrible mom (and it’s not that I’m doubting you, it’s that I’m saddened and so want it not to have been said), for your attitude, well shame on them. Shame on them. “A day when all my childen died.” Poetic. Poignant. Painful. Thank you for your sharing. Amy
Emily said:
I am so incredibly sorry. Your words break my heart. I have been where you are. We tried for over 5 years. I miscarried with my first, and our second died shortly after birth. I’ve been unable to get pregnant again, and now my husband no longer wants to keep trying. My husband and I were in a church that was very pro-children…which is fine. Unfortunately, if you didn’t have children you were ostracized. I was told by another lady that I didn’t have children because I didn’t deserve them. It’s unfortunate that some Christians can be so judgmental. We are in a different church now, but I still do not attend for Mother’s Day services…it’s simply too painful. It’s wonderful that your husband is supportive of you. I am blessed that mine is as well.
rev. karyn said:
Amy, as a female minister with no children, I struggle ever year to prepare a sermon on Mothers Day. But it is actually a wonderful opportunity to present the image of God as Creator and Mother. For some reason, (our sentimentality I suspect) it is the one Sunday when most people are willing to consider God in a feminine role.
Amy said:
It is indeed! Amy
Rachel said:
When we make the decision to not go to church on a day that makes us feel uncomfortable, what does that say about the days you DO feel like going to church? It is not about a day, we should be going there for one purpose only, and its not about us, this is why your post confuses me so much. What is your point here?
Amy said:
My point is for pastors (and all members of that body) to create space for everyone … and that includes the mom who on the surface may look like she’s got the ideal family. There is more going on below the surface for all of us. And if we are to truly be the body, we’ve got to get beyond just the skin (i.e. what we see on the surface). Christ was consistenly pointing people to move beyond merely what we see, saying that what goes on in our hearts is as important to God as what can be seen on the surface. I’m not sure I’m being clear, so if you want to continue this thread, just let me know :). Amy
Emily said:
I go to church to worship my Saviour, to connect with other believers, and to get spiritually fed. Instead of sobbing my way through 30 baby dedications, cute kids on stage telling stories about their Moms, and various other “Mom” things, I choose to worship at home on Mother’s Day. I’m not bitter or angry, it just hurts very badly. Having someone tell me I’m wrong or in sin for this just makes it worse.
Being a Mom is a hard job, one that should be applauded every day. I’m not against honoring Mother’s at all. I just wish women in similar situations as myself didn’t get alienated and judged in the process.
azhusky said:
Amy – thanks for this posting. I have in turn posted it to my Facebook page. I am a 47 y.o. who grew up dreaming of a big family. Instead, I am never married and am childless. I haven’t gone to church on Mother’s Day for years. Church, in so many ways, seems geared to families/married couples. This day just adds to that struggle. I completely relate to above posters who talk about feeling of less value because they are women with no children. The church is the absolute last place that should happen!
As for the pastor who says the day is to honor our mothers…that’s great in theory. I do honor my mom…but she doesn’t go to my church, so why would I honor her at church?
Amy said:
“As for the pastor who says the day is to honor our mothers…that’s great in theory. I do honor my mom…but she doesn’t go to my church, so why would I honor her at church?” Well said! Amy
azhusky said:
Amy- Thanks for posting this. I have in turn posted it on Facebook, amongst all my news updates about friends and their kids today…ugh.
I am 47 years old, grew up dreaming of a big family. I have married and am childless. Haven’t been to church on Mother’s Day for years. I can’t even begin to describe the pain of no children, especially on Mother’s Day. I relate to posters above talking about feeling of less value because they’re childless. The last place this should be happening is in the church!
As for the pastor who says the day is to honor our mothers. I do honor my mother, but she doesn’t go to my church, so, why would I honor her at church.
Again, thanks for the post.
Marie S.
Amy said:
“As for the pastor who says the day is to honor our mothers. I do honor my mother, but she doesn’t go to my church, so, why would I honor her at church.” I thought I’d already approved this comment 🙂 … but here it is again, so if it’s a repeat, it obviously bears repeating! Amy
azhusky said:
I meant to say in my above post that I am unmarried and childless.
ProudMom said:
Okay, I’m not trying to stir anything up here, and I think your words are very lovely and encompass all types of mothering, (here it comes…) BUT, I believe standing in church and showing appreciation to mothers is a wonderful practice. Often being a mother is so much “behind the scenes” work that we do not feel called out to stand up enough. And now that is going to be taken away because a few people feel alienated about our standing and taking praise for this extremely wonderful and difficult task?? I think the problem lies within the person, not the church! If you feel you should be appreciated as a mother because you had a miscarriage, or your child ran away, or you are a foster/adoptive mother, or a step-mother, then STAND UP, for goodness sake!! No one said you couldn’t! You SHOULD stand and be appreciated too!! And for all of those who are not mothers, in whatever form you mentioned, you are NOT a mother, so you must sit! I do not stand on fathers day, because I am not a father! No matter how hard I try to be a father, I am not, so I must sit! Don’t take this small moment of appreciation away from other mothers because you are sad, or jealous, or feel awkward about it. That’s YOUR issue and you need to work it out yourself instead of making others feel bad about being what they ARE and taking some well deserved recognition for it! I realize this may come off as insensitive to those who have tried to become mothers and really long to be, and I am so sorry. But I will stand proudly in church and not feel guilty about it, because I am a mother and deserve a little applause now and them. Thanks, I’ll get off my soapbox now….
Amy said:
ProudMom, I think what would help are the ways that people are invited to stand. If a pastor said what you said and gave all kind of reasons to stand, it would remove some of the awkwardness. I hope you got the applause you were needing :). You’re right, mothering is hard. It is 24/7. It is a very behind the scenes calling/job. Amy
MaryGrace said:
Please do not get off your soapbox. You have expressed so well what I struggle to express. Nicely said and great job.
Laura Trent said:
I’m a woman, a mother, and a pastor, and all my ministry I’ve been sensitive to this issue – some would say even hypersensitive. (I insist that we get enough roses for EVERY woman – not just those who are mothers – or none at all.) If I ask anyone at all to stand, I usually turn it around and say ‘if you ever had a mother, please stand.’ This puts the focus back on basic reality and on us where it should be, because we are the ones who can honor both our birth mothers and those others who have served as mothers of one kind or another. And, I always include in a litany or prayer those who are biological mothers but who find it difficult or impossible to mother. Same for fathers when it’s Father’s Day.
It also seems to me like a good opportunity to talk more openly about the mothering aspects of God; there’s less discomfort when we’re already talking about mothers.
This very blog and its responses are evidence to me that I’m meeting a need in doing this. It can be an excruciatingly painful issue.
Amy said:
Laura, I, too have been surprised at the responses to this blog. There definitely seems to be a need! Thanks for reaching out to so many. Amy
patricia McKee said:
As one never satisfied with what I found in Scripture for Mother’s Day, this is a great piece of liturgy.
Susanna said:
Here in the UK, at least in the churches I have attended, there is nothing like this at all. It feels very wrong to me though- I am a mother but I have plenty of friends who are not though they long to be. We are all too quick to define our worth by our roles aren’t we? Rather than remembering that we are children of the King, part of a great family.To those of you who suffer due to others thoughtlessness, I hurt for you. May God give us all the grace to tread the path He has ordained and to bear the burdens we individually bear.
Amy said:
Children of the king! A king who walked with all kinds of people and pointed them back to truth, time and time again. Well done, daughter of the king. Amy
joann28 said:
At our church today, we celebrated music. All the children’s and adult musical groups participated. (That always thrills the mothers and grandmothers.) The (childless) pastor talked about the song of the universe. Women wore hats. The middle school youth group sold roses as a fundraiser for their mission trip; the roses were bought by men and children for their spouses, mothers, grandmothers, sisters. And I saw our two intellectually-challenged (single) women being given roses as well. As for standing, how about having everyone who has or had a mother stand together? And could we remember the origin of Mothers’ Day (yes, it’s secular) as a war protest movement?
Amy said:
Thanks for sharing a bit about the service at your church! Amy
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Cindy Gialluca said:
Hello, You dont know me, nor I you but I saw this as a share on my facebook page. I couldnot agree with you more!! I hope you dont mind me commenting with some of my own observations.
For some of us, God did not see fit to bless us with children of our own flesh and blood. We often wonder why, but must be content with the fact that he (or she) had a different plan for us. For me it was to be “Mom” to 3 children who’d had 2 other “mothers” walk out on them. It wasnt easy, and I dont belittle the trials of “real moms” in raising children, but add distrust “Is she going to leave too?”, resentment “You’re not my REAL mom!” and finally acceptance and love “I love you Mom.” We may not have born children of our own, but God definately had a plan for us. Happy Mothers Day.
Amy said:
Cindy, this IS a worthy role. To “remother” someone is a great reminder that it’s never too late to get something or be used! Amy
Susan Willm said:
For as long as I can remember on Mothers’ Day at my church ALL WOMEN are asked to stand to represent mothers, grandmothers, godmothers, stepmothers, youth leaders, Sunday School teachers, neighbors, cookie-bakers, craft makers, and simply representing the characteristics that all women have whether they have born or raised children. This morning the children delivered rose buds to every woman in the congregation–even those who were too infirm to stand.
As we like to say, “All means all.”
jbenton8 said:
I read #2 (the poem) at the beginning of the worship service this morning. So many thank yous for being sensitive were given. Thank you for posting this.
Amy said:
And thank you for passing it on. Amy
Casie said:
I have children that I love dearly and do a lot for, but on Mother’s Day I began to wonder if they had unspoken ill feelings toward me. The pastor wanted everyone that had a mom present to say something to her on Mother’s Day publicly and my children wouldn’t do it. My son was MADE to get up and say something and his demeanor showed that he really did not want to to say anything. How hurt I was. I cried, prayed and talked to them. It’s in God’s hands now. I’m giving all of my hurt to him. I encourage and speak well of myself because if I don’t who will?
Amy said:
Casie, I imagine that pastor had not forseen this outcome. I’m glad that you talked to your kids. It might be something to revisit in a few days or weeks when the emotions aren’t so high and the hurt isn’t quite so stingy — it’s not easy to hear hard things, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try.
Jesus will also speak well of you! I understand the desire to stand up for yourself, but know that He will speak for you too! Amy
Jamie said:
With all respect to your hurt, I would like to submit that perhaps your son simply resented being put on the spot in front of people. As an introvert myself, I can tell you that many people hate being thrust in the spotlight – especially without warning and under pressure. If Words of Affirmation doesn’t happen to be one of his Love Languages, it must have felt especially difficult and prickly for him.
Please don’t let doubt and fear speak untruths into your mind; there’s nothing in this incident that shouts unspoken ill feelings to me – unless you count your son’s resentment against the Pastor for forcing an unpleasant situation. It would tragic for there to be a breach between you and children over this – especially when it’s quite likely they had no intention of hurting you.
More generally, I would like to note that the question of standing during a service or providing gifts completely fails to take into account Love Languages and introverted/ extroverted tendencies. It would benefit us all to remember that the things we most resent or most long for are exactly the opposite of what someone else in our congregation wants/ loathes. It is unfair to burden to Pastors will the impossible job of finding a single solution that pleases everyone, and selfish of us to not at least recognise the equally valid intentions/desires of others – even when they are counter to our needs.
In some instances, isn’t seeking to meet God privately – outside of church – exactly what we should do rather than something to be resented? If our hearts are deeply wounded, we should turn to the Word and the One who numbers every hair on our heads, to be ministered to where we are. Wonderful as it is, the Church is not a substitute for the healing and Grace that ultimately only come from God.
Sorry this got long… just my two cents.
Amy said:
Love langugage/ introvert-extrovert! Great insight. Amy
debhalasz said:
Hi Amy,
A friend sent me the link to this blog. I had three miscarriages in 2008. Two years later, I suddenly became a stepmom to a teenager who had been kept from my husband for almost her whole life. Though she is a wonderful girl, it wasn’t enough to make me still hate mother’s day. I’m estranged from my mom. We have many lingering issues from my childhood. I don’t even like leaving the house on mother’s day because everyone assumes I’m a mom – I’m 35, and everyone says happy mother’s day. A few years ago, a hardware store was giving out roses to mothers, and the cashier gave me one. I left in tears. I also don’t go to church on Sundays. I’ve been to churches that ask the moms to stand, but even those that don’t do that still celebrate moms. I think that good moms deserve to be recognized, and one day is not enough. I just can’t handle the day and can’t help but remember the babies I lost.
Amy said:
Debhalasz, I hope that you got to read through some of the comments and be encouraged by the community you walk with! It’s a much larger tribe than I realized! Amy
debhalasz said:
I posted on Facebook that it was a very difficult day for me, and I had more comments on that one status update than I’ve had on any other. I do have some very special friends.
louannieoh said:
I read this after it was linked at Lisa writes… My husband, a pastor, does not like to do Mother’s Day nor Father’s Day messages. He says we always beat up fathers, and esteem mothers, and leave out many. And we have never had mothers stand, and now I will mindfully encourage him to continue to NOT do this. Last year we handed out a little gift and a rose to ALL WOMEN because God has used each woman to nurture another and are valuable as women created by God. This year he used Noel Piper’s list of women for whom Mother’s Day is not happy. In one way or another each would find a place in that list where they fit. And then he offered hope from Hannah’s song of praise in 1 Samuel 2. Hope extended to all in the hearing. It is such a struggle between wanting to encourage the choice to mother in our present society, as well as, the value of mothering and yet not alienate women who find themselves lacking on Mother’s Day. Thank you for this post.
louannieoh said:
and let me add, not merely hope of a child, but hope that whatever our point of pain is, at that time for a Hebrew woman barrenness was a great sorrow and trial, but also the provocation due to her husband’s favoritism towards Hannah in the face of Peninnah. Peninnah provokes Hannah, or today we would say pushed her buttons at her point of weakness, because she knew she was unloved or loved less. We all have something in our lives which cause pain, and we can have HOPE that the truths about God that is sung in 2Samuel 1-11 can be our song.
Amy said:
Singing with you! and Hannah. Amy
Amy said:
Louannieoh, and thank you for your thoughtful comment! Amy
Emily said:
Louannieoh, your husband’s comment about esteeming Mother’s and beating up Father’s is so interesting. Someone pointed that out to me the other day. It is very true, unfortunately. Thanks for sharing about Noel Piper…looking her list up now.
louannieoh said:
http://noelpiper.com/2012/05/12/when-mothers-day-isnt-a-celebration-2/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+LetTheNationsBeGlad+%28Noel+Piper%29
Emily said:
Thank you!
Tom said:
Indeed… I have left a church because of this. On their respective days via the sermon, mothers were lionized, yet fathers were told to “man up.”
Amy said:
Tom, you’re right! I don’t like that double standard and addressed it in my Father’s Day letter. Great minds think a’like? Eh?!
Liz said:
Well, everyone has a mother….I think that is what it’s all about, not looking down at our bellybuttons and saying, “I’m a mother…this day is for me!” ‘Cuse me, it’s for your mother, and children can be the ones to respect this day for their moms. Also, it’s not a religious holiday, so let’s get this out of the church. It’s OK to mention it and praise the mothers in the congregation, though…let’s not go overboard with this politically correct stuff. It’s the same as saying we can’t have mother/daughter, or father/daughter celebrations….I think we can.
Amy said:
Thanks Liz! Amy
Fredelyn Calla said:
What about those of us who don’t choose to be mothers? Do we count? Just a thought.
Amy said:
Oh yes! I’m one of “us” (it’s kind of funny that I forgot to mention it, I guess because it’s so clear in my head I forgot to use words!). Amy
Royal Ann moll Camardelle said:
Amy , I love you sister . You are beautiful to me . God has his reasons , just as he says a rich man can’t go to heaven . Cause he had all his glory days , well you just may be the mother in heaven for future children till there parents return home to heaven , and I know for a fact … Your babies are being taken care of by another rt now till you are called home also. So I admire your input for all women of the earth. It was a great joy to see it all put into perspective . Ty and God Bless you sister.
Amy said:
Thanks Ty! Amy
Cassie said:
I completely agree, however I would mention something about the mothers of children with special needs.
Amy said:
Yes! I tried to hint at that in one of the lines, but it really should be said more clearly and I’m sorry I didn’t. Thanks for the reminder and validation for those moms too! Amy
Amy said:
Barbara, thanks for letting us know a little bit of how this blog has been used. Humbly, Amy
Lisa Hadler said:
Better yet, do away wih the recognition of Mother’s Day during worship. It is NOT a liturgical holiday!!! As a non-mom, I’m sick to death of all the consolation prizes–“You’re a spiritual mom”; “You’re like a mom to people in your life”; “you’re a mom to your dog”. Please. It’s like having Sighted People’s Day and telling blind people, “you see, too…kind of”. We all know that Mother’s Day celebrates the appropriate use of one’s uterus, nothing more nothing less. Let’s either admit that, and be painfully honest about the fact that we value some women more than others; or stop raising it in worship altogether.
Amy said:
Thanks Lisa, I see your point. Amy
sharon said:
Amen to this! I’m very thankful to be at a church that kept yesterday as Easter 6, with the only mention of Mother’s Day in the pre-service welcome. Such a relief! And I’ve found it especially troubling when I’ve been in a church that insists on honoring all women on mother’s day. Honoring all women is a fine idea, just do it on a different day, one that does not imply that women’s value resides solely in their (theoretical) ability to bear a child…
Amy said:
Thanks for this suggestion! Amy
j.m.j said:
Lisa, first — see the comment at the very bottom about the origin or Mother’s Day. Very interesting!
Second — if you think that all we celebrate when we celebrate a mother is the fact that she used her uterus, I think you’ve missed the point of this post. And I don’t really agree with this post. A mother is so much more than a sack of goo that produced a baby.
Third — no matter what kind of woman you are, if you listen to the world around you, you will realize that values are not God’s values. If you are a woman called to a single life, you will feel devalued because some think you should be married with babies. If you are married with babies, and a stay at home mom, you will feel devalued because some will say you’ve given up your career to raise them, and are no moving women’s rights forward. If you are a career mom, you will feel devalued because some will tell you that it’s a shame to split your time between your children and your job.
The bottom line is different groups of people will value some women more than others. Stop listening to them. And stop reading into Mother’s Day as a way to say that Mother’s are more important than other women. Just because it makes you feel that way, because it brings up the hurt from that group of people who have devalued you, doesn’t mean that’s what a church is doing when it honors mothers.
susan schneider said:
When I was in my 30s and aching for a child, I remember a Sunday when my congregation handed out flowers to all the mothers. I left church in tears. It no longer hurts, and I’ve found many ways to mother others, but the experience makes me very mindful of how difficult a day Mother’s Day can be for some. I always celebrate “mothering,” but try to emphasize how such a gift has nothing to do with biology.
Amy said:
Susan, thanks for sharing a bit of what happens in your church. I love getting a peek in so many places beyond just where I attend. Amy
louannieoh said:
Just read this at another blog and thought it was worthy of sharing. And her point is something we should do daily with others in our lives. Rather than focus on self, focus on weeping with those who weep and rejoicing with those who rejoice. http://blog.christianitytoday.com/women/2012/05/mourning_with_those_who_mourn_1.html
j.m.j said:
After skimming through the many positive comments here, I want to leave something to be considered.
I’ve walked through miscarriages and infertility struggles with close friends and relatives. They are mothers who bear a different burden than my own. I teach the children of single moms, struggling to get by, and see their hard work and dedication in amongst the frustration to find time for themselves while making ends meet.
So, I understand that Mother’s Day may bring grief to some, and I’m not saying that they don’t deserve to mourn; they do. And I believe that the body of Christ should come along side them as they do.
I certainly don’t disagree that the wide continuum of mothering should be honored. I think the poem you gave was nice and definitely has a place in a Mother’s Day worship service. But, I would ask people to consider the proverbial flip side of this coin.
I think the response to find every possible way to be all-inclusive, lest we offend anyone, is indicative of our cultural need to make sure that everyone feels good at all times. It is also indicative of our self-centered post-modern values. I don’t mean here the kind of self-centered that is rude and arrogant. I mean the kind of self-centered that first–and perhaps only–considers how a specific event or action affects “me.”
Saying that you have the “parts but not the goods” makes me wonder if you truly recognize the significance of that one, special person in a child’s life. And down playing the significance of mothers with present and living children, so all women can be included and no woman can be left out or hurt, communicates–to the new mother, to the exhausted mother with three children under the age of five, to the scared mother trying to reach her teenager, to the frustrated single mother trying to make ends meet–that a mother really isn’t that important; all the other women are just as important in the life of that mother’s child.
Think of it this way, on Veteran’s day, do you get upset when you’re not honored, even though you strive to be a good citizen every day? As a teacher, I serve my country. But I recognize that I don’t do it to the extent that a soldier does, and I am more than happy to give those men and women a special day to receive credit for their work.
What I think really is going on, however, is that the women without living children, the women who struggle with fertility, the women who simply have not entered that phase of life, etc. recognize the deep significance of a mother in a child’s life. But the solution to healing their wounds is not devaluing mothers. So, when being sensitive, please make sure that we are not doing so at the cost of honoring the women who have selflessly given their lives to lovingly raising their children.
Being a mother is one of the hardest things I’ve done, and I know now why my own mother deserves to be honored a million times over. I’ve given up freedom, sleep, my body (I don’t just mean my figure), time, the ability to eat a warm meal, the ability to type on the computer without a toddler tugging at me. I could go on. When someone wants to take a moment to honor that, I feel grateful. I don’t need it, but when my church presents me with a flower on Mother’s Day, it says “What you’re doing is a big deal. Keep trying your best and don’t give up,” and it’s like a breath of fresh air. I never know if I’m doing a good job. When my pastor, who I greatly respect, takes a moment to say, “Thanks. I know you could have chosen NOT to mother intentionally. But here you are. I know it’s hard, but we do too,” it reminds me that what I’m doing is special and there are those around me who support me.
Where else and when else do mothers get that?
So of course, by all means, recognize mothering of other sorts on Mother’s Day; I’m not jealous of this holiday. In fact, I consider it a Hallmark Holiday and forgot today was Mother’s Day until I woke up and saw my husband trying to make me breakfast as my toddler ran in circles around the kitchen. But please do not turn it into “Women’s Day.” That will remove how special of a role a mother is. A mothering woman or a female mentor does not go through the same struggles a mother does. A mother never has a vacation from her children, no matter where they are. A mother does not get to send her children home after a tough day.
I am blessed to have an amazing mother, and I pray I can be that to my daughter. I don’t do it to be honored; I do it so that she grows up happy and healthy, safe and good. But, the one day a year when my community says, “Hey, great work. We know it’s tough and we stand by you,” it gives me a little bit of hope that I’m on the right track.
Amy said:
Thank you for your thoughts. Amy
abby said:
Especially at a time like Mother’s Day, when so many of us on the outside feel an extra measure of grief or displacement, shouldn’t our church families conduct the service in such a way that communicates, “Hey, great work honoring God in your circumstances. We know it’s tough and we stand by you,” too? I think that’s all Amy and anyone else has been saying here. No one here is saying your daily work as a mom isn’t important.
j.m.j said:
Thank you for your thoughts, Abby, but I don’t know that’s all that’s being said. What seems to be said by many is that, because some are hurting, other’s don’t deserve recognition. Or, that being a mom is no different than being a woman. Neither seem true or fair.
I think it’s completely appropriate to say to others, “Great work in honoring God in your circumstances.” I think this even has a place in a Mother’s Day service, if a church chooses to have one. One of the sweetest things I’ve heard recently was when my good friend’s pastor, after her miscarriage, asked her if she would mind being recognized on Mother’s Day with a flower. She was very moved and gladly accepted.
However, to down play the significance of a Mother’s role because some are jealous–read some of the comments carefully for both undertones and very strong overtones–or because some are hurt, doesn’t quite seem fair to Mothers. Yes, some people can be hurting, and will be hurting, but the church service does not always have to be structured about them. As Christians, they should still be able to rejoice for others.
I’m sorry you feel on the outside because you are not a mother. Whether that is a struggle within yourself, or caused by those around you, it is not a truth: you are as much a part of the body of Christ as anyone else in the congregation. And, again, I don’t need the recognition. I don’t do what I do to be recognized. But, to say that other’s are insensitive for praising mothers really boils down to this: because you hurt, I don’t deserve thanks.
Amy said:
Agreed. Amy
Momofnine said:
This brought tears to my eyes. I have given birth to and mothered 9 children. I have miscarried 2 babies. I have waited for months to conceive a very longed for child (several times). I understand just a tiny bit of the pain of those that are grieving. My church (a very small one) does not formally recognize Mother’s Day or Father’s Day. I am fine with this. My own husband and children do very little to recognize Mother’s Day. This has been painful for me but I let it go. I honor my own Mother on Mother’s Day and that is usually the extent of the holiday for me. But, when anyone encourages me in the tough job of motherhood, on Mother’s Day or any other time, from a loved one or a stranger, it is very appreciated.
Momofnine said:
I was trying to comment on what j.m.j. wrote “But, the one day a year when my community says, “Hey, great work. We know it’s tough and we stand by you,” it gives me a little bit of hope that I’m on the right track.”
Amy said:
Momofnine, I love numbers and nine is a perfect square. While you may not be doing a perfect job mothering, you are seen and loved by the author and perfector of our faith! Amy
pastormack said:
In my own congregation, I (unknowingly) followed your advice and spoke broadly of motherhood. In my prayer I gave thanks for all the women of the church, who are mothers to all of us in the faith. I told the story of my youth pastor, a wonderful woman, without whom I would not be in ministry.
If I’m honest, though, I would say that in a perfect world our churches would expect better of us. The church has a calendar. Today was the 6th Sunday in Easter. I’ve had some good conversations with my worship cmte. about cultural holidays, so thankfully I can get away with a ‘nod’ to such holidays without having them dominate the whole service. I love the prayer contained in your post.
Amy said:
Thanks Pastor Mark! Amy
Pingback: This is How You Do Mother’s Day in the Church « Pastor Mack's Place
greggarmstrong said:
Good post, Amy. A friend from my church posted this article by Anne Lamott on her Facebook page: http://www.salon.com/2010/05/08/hate_mothers_day_anne_lamott/
I thought you might find it interesting.
Amy said:
Gregg, I’m looking at it now! Thanks for passing it on. And howdy to you! Amy
Paris Karin (an alien parisienne) said:
Oh hey wow — LOVE that Anne Lamott piece! Good stuff. She’s such an intensely honest person, always telling it like it is, and I love her for it. Thanks for linking that in, Gregg.
Judi said:
Today has been a difficult day, yet it’s also been a day when I think I’ve grown closer to others in my congregation. Mothers were honored and given a flower, and then other women were as well. One friend sensed it may be hard, and was supportive. I ended up standing there in tears, and two moms came to offer a hug. Then another lady came up with a hug and gentle words of understanding. So perhaps difficult is okay, when met with understanding, compassion and a healthy dose of grace.
Kim said:
I so wish I didn’t understand where you were coming from on this letter. You wrote EXACTLY what I have been feeling for years. I always wanted 5 kids, God had other plans for me. I was the one today who got up and walked out during the Mother’s Day standing time. It’s too hard. Thank you for writing this. God bless you.
Amy said:
Kim, you’re welcome! Amy
Christy said:
Thank you for your post. I’m just now reading it, but I agree wholeheartedly with you. It’s a hard day first of all because my mom passed away not to long ago and secondly As someone who’s been trying for over 3 years now this day just gets harder and harder to deal with. I refused to even attend today. I wish churches were more sensitive about this subject.
Amy said:
Thanks Christy, Amy
J Seay said:
Hi, Amy. I AM a pastor and DID have moms stand this morning in all three services. Never again. Well said. Thanks, JMS
Amy said:
Thanks J Seay. Change is a’foot! Amy
Amy said:
I am so thankful for this post. As woman in a similar situation, I feel where you are coming from. And as a pastor-in-training, this definitely gives me some important information to take into a parish. In particular, the emphasis on how all women reflect Imago Dei. Because that is really what a faith community should be about. Leave the rest to Hallmark.
Amy said:
Agreed!
Janelle-A Story of Grace said:
what a thought provoking, really interesting post! i’m so glad i found your blog.
janelle
Christine said:
As a pastor, I try to cover all the different situations and ask all mothers and women of the faith to stand. I also make sure that it is not the main point of the service. It has its part, but it is only one part. Same thing for Father’s day in a month.
Martina said:
Do you feel uncomfortable when they ask graduates to stand, cancer survivors, or reciprocates of presidential awards? When it is your time to be celebrated do you not want your day. I know it’s church and the world wants to control it because they feel we have to much liberty. Find the church that doesn’t honor mothers, fathers, families, individuals, nobody. Give honor to whom honor is due.
brent said:
You are surely entitled to your opinion, and I am glad to read differing viewpoints. In this case, it is clear that you have no personal connection to those who struggle with infertility. This has nothing to do with the church having too much liberty.
j.m.j said:
Brent, I have much personal connection to people who struggle with infertility. However I agree with Martina. Should we as Christians not learn to celebrate and grieve with one another?
Here is an example of a similar sort. When I was 25 my boyfriend died in a motorcycle accident. Should I have asked my church to stop announcing engagements? Should I have avoided weddings? Or asked my friends to only marry in civil ceremonies and not celebrate afterwards? Or, should I have gone to the only One who could provide healing from such tragedy while acknowledging that there are others in life who deserve celebration even though I’m facing a difficult time? I chose the last option. It wasn’t easy, but having made it through, I can say it was the best choice.
Jennifer Owen said:
I as a female pastor, and not a mother, ask all women to stand and we acknowledge the roles women play in our lives, no matter what the role is — parent, teacher, confidante, counselor, friend, etc. I even ask the girls to stand, again, it’s an acknowledgement of ALL women and the roles they have. I’ll do the same on Father’s Day for all the men. I do the same for vets and those who have military in their family….
Amy said:
Jennifer, I have been touched by the likes of you, those in the pastoral trenches! Amy
still grieving said:
Dear Amy – So deeply grateful for your post – this year, like each year since my miscarriage (after years of infertility), I skipped church on Mother’s Day. Just couldn’t bear my own private grieving juxtaposed with hearing “Happy Mother’s Day” – those good intentions from unknowing people. Will be sharing this post with many pastor friends. You are a blessing.
Amy said:
Dear Still Grieving, I believe there IS a place for private grieving, and if you needed that this Sunday, I trust that you were met by God in some way. Amy
betrueblog said:
It was very interesting for me to read this post and the comments, because in some ways I have the opposite complaint. My church has every woman stand and we all get flowers. I hate that! As a happily married but childless woman, I don’t want to be recognized as somehow “like a mother” because I’ve been involved in some way in the lives of other people’s kids. I’m not a mother, and yes at times I grieve over that reality, but I would FAR rather, if the church feels that mothers need to be asked to stand during the service and get applause and/or a gift, that it be only actual mothers who stand. I don’t fit in that category, and I think it is wrong, dishonest, and offensive to pretend that I do. I’m not a veteran, so I don’t stand up when veterans are honored; what’s the difference?
P.S. I’m also a pastor, though not currently serving a congregation, so I realize this is a no-win situation for pastors. Whatever we do or don’t do to observe Mother’s Day in worship is guaranteed to offend and/or cause pain to some in the congregation.
Amy said:
Hi Betureblog, I guess the primary difference I see is that vetrans and mothering don’t seem to be congruent analogies for me. Most vetrans didn’t long to be in the military — if they wanted to be in the military, they could (unless there were medical reasons. I’ll be honest, I have no idea how many people don’t qualify for military service due to medical reasons). For those who want to join the ranks of motherhood, there is no simple office to sign up. I agree that it can be a no-win situation, but I still believe that we can “hurt”/offend a lot or a few. Why not aim for fewer? Amy
Josh said:
Where did you get the prayers?
Amy said:
Josh, I wrote them. Amy
Naomi said:
Thanks, Amy. I DID walk out this year. I, *ahem* uh, had to use the bathroom right when the moms were at the front, receiving their carnations.
Amy said:
Naomi, when nature calls, *ahem*, one must answer! Amy
Dan said:
‘To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own mother – we acknowledge your experience.’
I don’t know if anyone else has commented on this yet (I’ve only done a cursory examination of the comments), but this really spoke to my condition. Mother’s Day is always bittersweet because I want to celebrate it with my wife and daughter, but want to forget it because of my memories of the woman who bore me. I want to just do something special, at home, for the day and not have to engage in public celebrations. I guess that I want to have the ability to forget about the day once we all leave the house. I cringe whenever anyone forces me to recognise the debt that I owe to my mother, during service, because I frankly feel as if that debt has been paid in full, far too long ago. Not all mothers are amazing and worthy of acknowledgement or praise.
I realise that this is a challenging day to meet all of the desires of everyone, so if my wife’s church has a Mother’s Day celebration, or gives out flowers, etc., I simply go outside for a time. (I’m Quaker, which means that we more often than not decry the commercialism of the holiday more than celebrate it!) I just wish that the ‘church’ would take your advice, and recognise the challenge that this day presents for so many people. Thank you.
Amy said:
Dan, thank you for this perspective. No, in answer to your question, that particular point hasn’t been commented on much. I am thankful that it sounds like you (and your wife) have been able to create a different experience for your daughter and will leave such a different leagcy than the one that was handed for you. Amy
Laura Ferguson said:
One of the reasons I love what you wrote is because at the very core every statement is so soundly Biblical. Yes!! We like to say “we can’t be all things to everyone” but this lovely writing is just that, a statement of love to all. So beautiful. Thank you.
Amy said:
Thank you Laura, this is my hope, that there are elements of Christ in every word, but I know I blow it over and over again. Amy
Cyndi said:
I am a pastor and a mom, who is extremely aware of people who might feel left out or on the margins for some reason. I do not have them stand. This year there were no gifts (which I think is appropriate anyway). In our litany we did refer to all kinds of mothers, including those who have lost children in some way. Then the sermon wasn’t all about people being mothers, but instead about the church being a “Mother Church”, like a womb for growing disciples. I always hope and pray that I am being inclusive, because Jesus would be.
Amy said:
I like the image of the church being a place to grow disciples! Amy
Stacy Pickett said:
Very well said. As a soon-to-be 32 year old who, thus far, has chosen not to have children just yet, I’m glad to know that I’m not the only one that feels like “less” of a woman in the presence of those who have dedicated their lives to raising a family. Thanks for sharing!
Amy said:
Stacy, we need you too! Amy
Brenda said:
Reading these comments posted here moves me to tears. I have experienced all these emotions in one year or another of my life. Yet everyone involved in these worship services has the greatest intentions when planning. So maybe we all need to speak up at the planning sessions and get more personally involved with our walk with Christ. For those who have negative “parent” experiences may I suggest this:
I try to think about what happened to them in their life experience that culminated into my experience. Very few things in this world are ‘born bad’; however there are many bad experiences. This does not end the hurt necessarily, it just gives a different perspective. I pray this helps.
Amy said:
Brenda, more people getting involved in church is a great idea. And your perspective is helpful too! Thanks, Amy
Stacy N. Elliott said:
Thank you so much for writing this. I hope that your pastor and many others out there will read this and change their sermon on Mother’s Day so that women will no longer have to feel awkward in church, again.
I had quit attending church all together for this reason and many others. I, too, suffer from infertility issues and miscarriage. It was like my heart was being ripped out of my chest every time mothers where praised in church. Now, I am in the role of step-mom, and it’s just plain awkward. I don’t stand because I know I have not given birth to my own child, and my husband nudges me to remind me that I am a mom to my step-children.
Beautifully written, and I am glad to see that so many have responded well to your post!
Amy said:
Thanks Stacy. Your husband sounds like a good guy! (but I do get the awkwardness, what if one kid doens’t mind you standing and another gets very offended). Amy
Leanne Johnston said:
Thank you so much for sharing this. Last year I was 2 months beyond a miscarriage and 5 weeks pregnant on Mother’s Day. Our church did a pancake breakfast where moms didn’t pay but everyone else did. I told my husband that was absolutely horrible – women shouldn’t pay. Perhaps NO one should pay. I have no relationship with my own mother and dread Mother’s Day for that reason as well. I love the litany shared. We used one very similar in a call and response format in worship yesterday. It was beautiful and validates every woman, and man!
Yesterday I sat in church holding my sweet 4 month old little man. Mother’s Day took on a whole new meaning for me, but was just as bittersweet. I will continue to speak up for those whom struggle on Mother’s Day. Thank you again for writing this.
Amy said:
You’re welcome. Thanks for sharing some of your experience. Amy
CassandraToday said:
Full disclosure: I didn’t read all 371 comments to see if this has already been said. It needs to be said, though, so I’ll take the risk of duplicating.
I’m a transsexual woman. When I transitioned, my kids were 26, 23, and 5 years old. I’m still a parent. I’m still very active in raising my youngest, now 12. I’m not a mom, though — the kids already have a mom. Though my youngest still calls me Dad, I’m not a dad like other dads, either. (The older kids call me by my first name now.)
I lost Fathers Day, but I didn’t gain Mothers Day. I can’t stand up with the moms in church. But stand up with the dads next month? –talk about awkward. One year on Fathers Day, my church gave tokens of appreciation to all the dads — a little card with a drawing of a necktie, and a tie pin attached to it — symbols of maleness as symbols of fatherhood. I didn’t accept one.
Sure, my situation is unusual, but it’s far from unique. There are thousands of us (including men who used to live as women, and are also still parents). Whether we’re still parenting our kids post-transition, or whether we’ve been shut out from their lives because of transition, we’re still parents, even if we don’t fit the gendered expectations of motherhood and fatherhood.
We, too, would rather not be made to feel awkward by our faith communities’ celebrations. There are so many kinds of families, so many kinds of adults loving and raising kids. Please – especially as an act of worship – don’t assume that every family is just like your own.
Amy said:
Cassandratoday, so far, we haven’t had this perspective. Thanks for sharing it! Amy
Michael said:
I was intending on going to church yesterday but remembered it was Mother’s Day and did not. I’m a man, a father of three, and a husband. I took my Mother out to breakfast and spent the morning with her Friday before Mother’s Day. I appreciate my mom period. I appreciate my wife as Mother. But it is time to END such stuff inside the walls of church. That goes for Father’s day as well. And Memorial Day, and July 4 and Veterans day. The list could go on an on. Sunday is no day to be lifting these up when there is another to be lifted up. I got that off my back now.
Amy said:
But I think you might be on to something. Amy
j.m.j said:
I agree that Sunday is a day to lift up the Lord. But isn’t encouraging those who are following His calling–as a mother, father, soldier, etc.– honoring to him?
Casey said:
This is wonderful. I am a stepmom with no children of my own, a decision I made based on the situation I married into. I sometimes regret not having my own children and even though I love my stepdaughters as much as I would imagine I would love my own children, I don’t feel that I would be able to stand in church on mother’s day because of the drama it would cause in my family.
Amy said:
I can see that! Amy
Kate Lufkin Day said:
I haven’t been able to read every comment, but I’m surprised that nobody seems to focus on the mom that every every one of us has or had. I always point this out in church on Mothers’ Day (and we never have moms stand up). I love the prayers in the original post, and want to use them, but I’d also add prayers that ackowledge that many of us have lost our mothers, others have complicated relationships with our mothers, but we all have or have had one. Plus many of us have had women (and sometimes men) who have taken the place of a mother for us. So I always focus on that. Especially because I am a mom myself, I don’t feel like putting the moms in the congregation on pedestals.
Amy said:
A few have, but there are a lot of comments to read :). Amy
Liz said:
How about on Mother’s day we focus on all the kids who don’t have mothers. Everyone who has been adopted into the family of God should pray about adoption.
Amy said:
Good point! Amy
Natalie said:
Most years our church has its Youth Sunday on Mother’s Day. The youth often wish their mother’s a Happy Mother’s Day when they get up to speak, but that’s really not the focus of the day. Instead we focus on the importance of youth ministry, and our congregation gets to see how well they have fulfilled their baptismal vows for our children/youth. Your post is just one of the many reasons that I appreciate our church’s tradition. Thanks for your eloquent words.
Amy said:
I can see why you appreciate your church’s tradition! Amy
Amy said:
Thank you for this post! I’ve avoided church (and the mall!) on Mother’s Day for many years. My mother died when I was young and every year, Mother’s Day hurts as much Valentine’s Day does after you’ve been dumped. Church is supposed to be a place for rest and healing, not a place that feels like “salt in mostly healed wounds.”
Amy said:
You’re welcome, Amy
Liz said:
And let me just say that I disagree with your post. I am not going to encourage you in this idea. I think we should be happy for others when they are praised or acknowledged. Your post just makes me, as a mom, feel guilty. Motherhood is tough. Motherhood is not everything that you think it is when you are not one. Live for the day, my friend. You have freedom to do MUCH for the Lord in this season. His Kingdom needs you.
Amy said:
Oh Liz, it sounds like you are walking a tough path right now. Yes, mothering is hard, hard, hard! Amy
Mickele said:
I agree with you. I am a mother and stepmother. This year Mother’s Day was very hard for my step sons. They lost their mom 3days before Christmas. How am I supposed to celebrate a holiday that brought so much pain to my bonus children. I tried to play it low key, but unfortunatly everywhere you turn it’s like a slap in the face. I never realized, until this year, how painful this holiday could be. Thank you for your letter, it made me think outside of the box.
Amy said:
And thanks to you Mickele, as you thought of all those in your family. Amy
awderrick said:
I struggled with infertility for 16 years. And I lost my own mother during that time. Even as an ordained minsiter – I quit going to church on Mother’s Day. I am now an adoptive mom and thoroughly love my children and relish my role as their mother. But yesterday at church was still painful. Too much talk of pregnancy and birth – too much awareness of those who could not “stand” as mothers – all of what you wrote above. The church has a long way to go on this. Thanks for speaking up!
Amy said:
This is a helpful reminder … we do still have a ways to go. With God’s help, though, change can occur. Amy
Maggie said:
Thanks for this piece, and I hope it gets a lot of pastors and churches to think about how they observe Mother’s Day — if they must. Usually a more experienced member or “graduate” posts a little pep talk to the women still trying on an infertility forum where I participate, but as the day wore on, I noticed no one else had, and a couple of members had already posted about how hard the day was for them. So I hastily composed something as my toddlers napped, but I added quite truthfully that I couldn’t really enjoy Mother’s Day since I had experienced the sadness of childlessness not by choice. I remember the first Mother’s Days after my mom died, and have a friend going through that now. Also, I can’t imagine the pain of that day for women who have had children die. Let’s make the church a refuge from the secular hoopla about Mother’s Day, not a place that adds to the pain.
Amy said:
I like the phrase “secular hoopla” — Amy
MaryGrace Dansereau said:
Give me a break. Put your narcissism in your back pocket and honor your own mother.
Emily said:
Wow, what happened to letting our words be seasoned with salt? We all have different opinions, there’s no need to be insulting.
Rachel said:
Amy…thank you for saying what so many of us have had difficulty saying. Two years ago my first pregnancy ended in miscarriage at 12 weeks. Mother’s Day for me has been difficult since then. Even though our church recognizes all women I still feel the pain of my loss immensely.
I know people don’t mean their comments to be hurtful, but so often they are. Sitting in church last year for Mother’s Day with my grandmother, someone said Happy Mother’s Day to several of us women. My grandmother quickly said, “I’m the only one here who is a mother.” Her words were so hurtful. I know she didn’t think about what she was saying. Though I lost my baby, I still think of myself as a mother.
This year my husband and I are expecting a little boy in August. Mother’s Day was less painful, but I still found myself hurt by people’s comments. One person said, “This time next year you’ll be a mother.” Others said, “Happy Mother’s Day to the mommy-to-be.” I thought to myself I already am a mother, and I’ve been a mother for two years. I won’t forget the baby I lost, and I wish others would recognize the vast array of mother’s.
Amy said:
Rachel, I think you hit on another part that’s hard — how we see ourselves and how others see us. Most likely, their words meant that your child would be in your arms, but I can see your point! Amy
sara f. said:
thank you so much for your boldness in sharing this!
i can relate in many ways.
Amy said:
blessings sara. blessings. Amy
Pingback: Letter from a mother… « Our Nest Au Naturel
Liz said:
My church did a wonderful take on the having mothers stand thing and had all the women stand, including our teenage girls (all the younger girls were in another class). This was my first mother’s day with this church. My previous church did only have the mothers stand and it was hard, especially last year. I was married (we have since divorced) and was very much wanting to start a family. My husband refused, told me he would not even have sex with me unless I was on birth control, told me we weren’t ready to have a baby. That church, being a very small church, always hands out a flower to all the standing mothers. Well, I was sitting but one of the children passing out flowers tried to give me one anyways and my husband told her no, I wasn’t a mother so I didn’t get a flower. It was heart breaking. This new church though that I am attending is wonderful. Having all the women stand and having the sermon preached by the secretary of the church and having it be about strong women in general was a great way to make it less painful and awkward.
Amy said:
Thanks for letting us know a bit of your experience. Amy
paulandkirsten said:
I know I’m one of many to say this, but from everything within me, thank you. This has been a struggle, but I am so blessed to be a part of a church that recognizes this on not only this day, but the other 364 as well. I can’t imagine my walk somewhere else- I thank you for recognizing it in a way that has clearly been so impactful to so many! I have shared it far and wide and will continue to do so.
Amy said:
paulandkirsten, thanks for sharing it far and wide, you’ve been a part of getting this out there! amy
Jenny said:
Thank you for this, Amy. Just one addition: for those of us who have been abused or abandoned by our mothers (and then again by our surrogates), you can do more than acknowledge the experience. Grieve with us and hope with us for a better future, both in terms of being mothered and in terms of mothering with less support and fewer examples than we would like. And help us to remember that even the worst mother still gave birth to us and that that is worth honoring.
Amy said:
Jenny, thanks for the additional thoughts. They are helpful! Amy
Heidi said:
I shared this with our pastor on Friday, and he actually read this in our church service yesterday! Thank you for so eloquently putting into words how I felt. Blessings!
Amy said:
Wow! And thanks to both you and your pastor! Amy
Tammy said:
I can relate to this so much. I really do not like mother’s day- always felt alienated. First trying to have children and then when I did have twins, one was still born and the other died 8 months later from SIDS. No one understands . Very emotional and is made worst when put ont he spot or having to defend motherhood.
Amy said:
Oh Tammy, such loss, such heartache. I hope your community has reached out to you! Amy
Mary Ann said:
And I am a mother who can realate to several of those ‘other’ mothers listed…Lost my mom, had miscarriage, on the ‘outs’ w/a child, grandmothering other children…so yes, your letter is awesome. More consideration should be made to ALL kinds of mothers. This prayer should be said each Mothers Day in Churches:)
Amy said:
Mary Ann, I think that is such a key piece: there is so much more going on than we can see or know — just because on the surface someone looks like a mom (because she is one!), doesn’t mean that is the sum total of her story! Amy
bradleywbull said:
Our family once visited a church on Mother’s Day. They called the mothers forward for prayer. Then the pastor called forward all the women who “are not mothers YET.” PUH-lease! During our time of losing two pregnancies during 5 years between our two children, had I not been on the church staff, we very well might have stopped going to church because we got so tired of comments like “just be thankful for the one you’ve got.” Your post is spot on!
Amy said:
PUH-lease! is a great way to put it! Amy
charlac33 said:
I can appreciate the openness and kindness that your beautifully inspired prayer is meant to invoke. Something that nags at my heart within this is a twinge of entitlement embedded that makes the spirit of mother’s day have to be about everyone and all inclusive.
I want to remember that Mother’s Day was originally a war protest. This new Hallmark, sugar sweet Mother’s Day is a consumption, and media fabrication that now has women (and men) struggling to be included in the frenzy of appreciation. I just wonder if it has to take it all so personally, as if someone is trying to deliberately exclude or offend or not understand the complexity of life circumstances, or painful memories.
I certainly empathize with these painful life experiences, especially in the comments. In the world of Facebook, blogs, etc, the discourse becomes so transparent, our lives are less private. There is a trajectory that our social lives have to be important to the world, to ourselves. That we have to impose our specialness everywhere. Like we are always “one-uping” each other with our pain and suffering.
This is really just a question — no condemnation here. I support the general spirit of love and compassion, and the meaning of support in the original post. I just wonder if there is an opportunity to reflect if everything has to be about me.
thinking…..
Amy said:
charlac33. “Thinking” — yes, yes, yes, these are important things to think about! FB (etc) have certainly had their impact on far more than just “connecting with friends,” that’s for sure! Amy
charlac said:
This prayer is very beautiful. The spirit of unity is strong.
One thing that is nagging my heart is a twinge of entitlement, where everything has to be so all inclusive that is has to be about everyone all the time. Does everything have to be about me? Why does my experience have to reflected everywhere?
In the age of FB, sometimes it seems like people are “one uping” each other’s pain and suffering constantly. Why do we take it all so personally?
It might be important to remember that the original Mother’s Day was a call for women to march together for national disarmament. And the woman who transformed it to more of a celebration of one’s mother eventually spent most of her life (and personal wealth) protesting the sickening commerialization, “Hallmark Holiday” that most of the readers here now are offended and feel hurt from.
I just want to pose the question to anyone interested in the opportunity of reflecting, “Does this really have to be about me?”
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mother's_Day#United_States
may all beings be at peace,
j.m.j said:
I didn’t know that about the origins of Mother’s Day. Thanks for the history!
Aussiegirl said:
Amy, I was made aware of your post via two links on Facebook – one from a friend in Europe, and another from a friend in Australia (like me) so it has reached far and wide! I also avoid church on Mother’s Day. I have no children, almost certainly never will, and I find this heartbreaking. I dread Mother’s Day for weeks. I have no problem with acknowledging mothers – mine is a fabulous mum, as are many of my friends and family who are mothers. I celebrate and acknowledge them. However, at the same time, I’m allowed to hurt and cry and scream (alone, not in public!) at the pain.
Thank you for your post. I have never seen the standing thing in an Australian church, but it probably happens. I have sat through the sermons, the handing out of flowers (sometimes I got one, sometimes not), the applauding of mothers as the highest calling for a woman. Eventually it got too much and I was afraid of doing the crying and screaming in public, so now I stay home. My attitude has always been – I won’t ask you not to do Mother’s Day at church, but don’t ask me to come, or reprimand me for staying home. Not that I’ve ever broadcast this, only one friend has ever noticed that I stay home and although she was a mum, she confessed to doing the same thing during 10 years of infertility and simply offered a hug with no condemnation.
However, after reading of one the other comments above (I can’t find it now), I’m thinking about whether in fact asking churches to be somewhere we can go without being confronted with our pain is a Biblical and worthwhile concept. Churches are already a place focused on family where singleness and childlessness is seen as an aberration at worst, and something you should “be content with” and “use for ministry” at best. In valuing families, the church is often counter-cultural, could they also be counter-cultural on Mother’s and Father’s Day also (in what is an “opposite” way) and provide a place of solace where we focus on God and the value of everyone?
Anyway, hope I haven’t rambled too much. Thank you again for your post, Amy. It has obviously touched many people.
Amy said:
Aussiegirl, you haven’t rambled too much at all! It’s enlightening for us to hear from different points on the globe to hear how this day plays out. One of my examples was from the US and one was from China. Thanks for taking the time to chat! Amy
Cris said:
I read this with mixed emotions. One thing you may not have considered, is that even mothers who do stand go through a lot of pain in and because of mothering. It is the hardest job hands down, I have ever done. If you aren’t a mother you have NO idea, even if you feel you can sympathize with someone who is childless. And I commend you for your empathy. As a mother you are be sure to face constant criticism in all direction. without realizing it-even some comments here seem to be critical of women who have simply borne children. And that is completely God’s decision and his alone. He gives what he gives. He withholds what he withholds. He has his plan and his reasons. We are not in control of this AT ALL. As a mother, there are many things a childless woman can do that I will never be able to do. We can’t have it all. And again, it is God who decides who we are and what we will be. We need to humbly thank Him for wisely making us what we are, whether we are mothers or not. Perhaps God needs you for something else. We have to become putty in his hands and allow him to form us into what he has planned. We can have wishes and ideas about our lives, but it is unwise to cling too tightly to our own visions and wishes. To the point that you might walk out of your next mothers day service if mothers are asked to stand, well you have every right. That is your decision. I agree with a few others that this is focusing inward, on yourself, and is a feeling for yourself, rather than being about others, a celebration of what someone else is but that you cannot be. I wanted to be a doctor, but God made me a mother before I could finish school. That dream will never be realized because of the path God put me on. I had to let it go. I could have tried to be both, but decided I would not be a good doctor or a good mother trying to do both. This does not make me half a woman. Being childless does not make any woman half a woman. It just makes her not a mother. Again, we cannot be all things, but
that is not what makes us a shell…focusing on
ourselves and our own visions rather than
god’s visions for us is what does that. We are whole only when we embrace Jesus Christ as our Savior, and yield to God to allow him to make us whole by the indwelling of his spirit in us. There is nothing else, not even being a mother, that will make you feel whole. Again, being a mother is hard, and mostly a thankless job. We don’t get paid, we dont get raises, report cards, annual job evaluations…we never know how we are doing, and mist of the time probably feel guilty that we aren’t doing better.
We mostly don’t get thanks, we get puked on,
wet on, screamed at, disrespected, dismissed
Woken up all hours of the night, no personal time…I can’t even go to the bathroom and think for five minutes without one child banging on the door. Most of the time the children dont even remember our birthday…and even that day is not a free day. It’s nice to be
recognized on Mother’s Day. It’s nice to be
asked to stand…our shoulders above everyone else for two minutes, when most of the year we feel invisible. It’s nice to get a flower. For many of us being a mother is all we will ever do that is of any importance. Please don’t
diminish what God made me, because he didn’t make you the same thing. He made you what you are, where you are for a very important reason. It may not be a mother, it may never be, but rest assured God knows exactly what you need to be and when. Accept his plan for your life without bitterness, and then you will feel whole…that you have all the parts you need and that they are being used exactly as God sees fit. Then you will be able to be glad for others when they have what you do not, and you will forget why you ever
wanted to walk out of the sanctuary while God was congratulating his mothers.
I pray that you and all women who hurt on mothers day or any day can find peace and healing in Christ, and in melting into his loving arms and his will for your lives! In jesus’ sweet name
(p.s.–even mothers with living children have had to say goodbye to a couple. My first child was stillborn, my last miscarried, with three living in between. I haven’t been able to have any more but still would welcome them if it was God’s will. But if it is not…Praise God! He has me in the shadow of his wing)
Amy said:
Hi Cris, I can’t tell if you’ve read through the comments :). If you have, hopefully you’ve seen a thread of saying YES, YES, YES, mothering is hard work. And that each stage comes with it’s own challenges. It sounds like you are in the “I can’t get a moment to myself!!!!!!!!!” stage; others are in the “What are they doing? Are they safe??????” stage. Each stage with its own blessings and trials. Sounds a lot like life, eh?! Amy
Lori McTaggart said:
There is indeed so many types of mothering, and the prayer is so beautiful to touch each one. I LOVE it! In my church we still do the standing with the congregation extending their arms in prayer over all the mothers. I remember (with tearful eyes) like it was yesterday, (it’s been 14 yrs) our years of infertility and sitting in that pew. So many years of Mothers Days, first with simple treatments thinking we’d succeeded and had not, then onto failed invitro. I remember especially the failed invitro. year, feeling like there was a beast inside me I wanted to scream out as they prayed for all the mothers because I was filled with such anger and disappointment. And then after a few more years, we adopted our 6 month old daughter, and it was with such overwhelming love for my daughter that I stood on that first Mothers Day.
I agree with you, let us sit in the pew, and let us acknowledge ALL the motherly women who freely give for the love of children. I’m going to share your article with our pastor. Thank You!!
Amy said:
Lori, “the beast inside me” — I think that will resonate with quite a few! Amy
transformingchristianity said:
I know that it’s impossible to touch every possible circumstance with your prayer (which I think is beautiful) but I feel it’s also important to acknowledge those of us who would have loved to have been mothers but whose highest hopes and dreams for marriage and children were never fulfilled and so we remain alone, but not by preference, just merely by never having been dealt the family card, and our age now makes birthing children impossible.
Amy said:
Transforming, abolutely! It will be in there next year. Thanks, Amy
Ruth Shaver said:
I’m a pastor. I’m not a mother. Instinctively, I have avoided asking moms to stand in worship, and dads on Father’s Day, as well, for many of the reasons shared here. But I do lift up the many ways we who are women can be mothers in the Imago Dei…and how men can, as well. The same on Father’s Day.
Thank you for this additional insight. This is beautifully written.
Amy said:
Ruth, thanks for bringing in the Imago Dei — it’s one of the aspects I’d like to hear spoken of more. Amy
Chris said:
Amy, absolutely brilliant. I have spent 2 weeks thinking this exact thing as I have watched the pain Mothers day causes and even though I am a Mum my conclusion has been that I just want Mothers & Fathers Days deleted off the calendar. You, however, put it so much more eloquently than I could (my reasons all the same) and I thank you. Please be encouraged to continue to speak your mind – this is certainly affirming & building.
Amy said:
As is your comment! Amy
Charley said:
I am a pastor in a local congregation. Growing up, I learned that mothers were asked to stand and were given either a red carnation (if her mother was living) or a white carnation if her mother was deceased). As an adult, and before entering full time church service, my views on Mothers’ Day were drastically altered by two women.
The first was a dear friend who was in the midst of her struggles with infertility. She and her husband had gone through the testing and failed in vitro procedures. And her spirit was crushed on days our church celebrated the perfect mother.
The second was my wife. Not even five months after her mother had died of breast cancer (at age 62), my wife did not want to sit through another celebration, only to be given a white carnation to remind her — once again — that her mother was dead.
On Mothers’ Day we do celebrate women who have nurtured us in the faith, but we also recognized that there are other feelings as well. And we pray for those who are imperfect, those who want to be, and even those who are and aren’t living up to others’ (or their own) expectations.
Amy said:
Charley, thank you for sharing that there are many who “get” it and see beyond the surface as they shepherd their flock! Amy
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Phil said:
I liked the read, Amy. Thanks for your thoughts.
Just a thought in return (I have a mug of Starbucks coffee on the table as I sit down to talk with you)…the guy who took fourth place in a race might be mad because he didn’t get first, but should he boycott the awards ceremony simply because he is upset that he isn’t standing on the podium? And should the ceremony be canceled because there are only three who are honored out of twenty thousand otherwise upset racers who are not honored?
I think you would probably be the first to agree that the “honor to whom honor is due” would DEFINITELY apply to mothers who so faithfully spend their lives serving God, their husbands, their friends, their community, their workplace, their church family AND their children. The most Godly of single persons does not daily serve the needs of a husband or her children.
It seems to me that mothers are honored on Mother’s Day not just because they happen to have children, but for their daily sacrifice for their children. And I believe perhaps it might be inappropriate to NOT honor them.
However, I agree with you that the FORM of honoring mothers might need to be adjusted to take into consideration the emotional needs of those who are not able to rejoice with those who celebrate the sacrifice of others in this way.
I have one daughter with children, one married daughter, one daughter of marriable age who is still single, and one adult single daughter. They all laugh and rejoice together in honoring mothers on Mother’s Day (although we do live in Japan where it is not considered socially appropriate to single out people for praise, but where it is okay to honor the group).
Just a thought.
My mother is the GREATEST, and I want to honor her in every way possible. Doing so, though, does not imply that my wife is NOT a good mother…she is also one of the greatest ever! She knows that and still joins in celebrating my mother with me! (And I hers with her.)
I like and appreciate your thoughts. I just hope that those who read them do not automatically assume this is unilaterally true for all and that it is the only right course of action and then cancel Mother’s Day celebrations at the church to accommodate the potential for the imagined but genuinely felt emotional needs of others in the congregation.
Amy said:
Phil, (thanks for letting me know about your mug — let me guess, it’s got the name of a Japanese city on it? I’ll reply sipping out of my Starbucks mug from the year of the rabbit), I’m guessing you’d probably agree that I can’t guarantee what anyone will think after reading this (as is apparent in the variety of comments here) :). But I can write something and then reply honorably and kindly to those who want to dialogue about it (note I didn’t say “agree with” it, that’s cool.). Thanks for contributing to the conversation. Amy
Dawn said:
Infertility fraught with pokes!? What a tremendous turn of phrase …!
Amy said:
thanks!
Margaret said:
Amy, I am a mother of five and I can tell you it is definitely not carefree. In fact, it is rather thankless. Even more so as life goes on and they don’t need you anymore and you wonder where your life went. I sometimes wonder why I thought it was such a great idea to have children.
I think you may not really understand what it is to be a mother which is understandable if you have not been one. Having a mother is a lot different than being a mother. It is endless work. It is getting up every morning (husband on the scene or not) whether you are feeling like it or not. It is thousands of meals. It is always putting someone else before yourself. It is staying up late on a Saturday night to go pick up your teenager who just has to go to a dance or friend’s party. It is being the bad guy about homework. On and on and on.
Sometimes I complain about my mother and I realize that my daughters are probably feeling the same way about me at times. Will there be times when they are hoping they won’t run into me at the grocery store? I think those thoughts and then realize how thankless the job is. My mother did every bit of work that I do, and more, and I have those thoughts???
At my church we acknowledge different people at different times. Should I be upset to acknowledge the Sunday School teachers, those who helped at the clean- up day, those who put on the last church dinner? I would have done those things if I didn’t have medical problems, missed opportunities, etc. My selfish side wants to say, “What about me and my contributions?”, but my day is a different day.
Please think about mothers as one part of the body of Christ. We are doing our part and sometimes smiling on the outside when we are dead tired and hurting inside.
By the way, I have a childless sister who now regrets choices that she made that took her down a path that did not include marriage or children. She acknowledges that her situation is, in part, due to her choices, as well as life’s vagaries.
However, she is the greatest aunt. She is the aunt who has time to talk to my children and sees them through a glass that is not tinted by any comparisons to her own children. She thinks she has done nothing, but she has affected so many lives through her position as a music professor at a small university. Many students are the first of their families to go to college, and my sister is the one who thinks about them while she is home and gives them a lot of thoughtful advice. No one can thank her often enough, but I know she gets to stand up once a year at commencement ceremonies.
I hope that there are people in your life that remind you of all the good you are doing in the role you are called to play. Life is not without pain, and refusing to let mothers stand up once a year is not going to take it away. Standing up in church and receiving a spindly carnation doesn’t make my job any easier, but I appreciate that my church family is trying to show me, in some small way, that they appreciate what I am doing as a mother.
Amy said:
Oh Margaret, you sound like you have such a heavy burden! We do appreciate you for the job you are doing. I’ll pray for you. Amy
paulandkirsten said:
I think you seem to be missing the point though- there’s a way to honor mothers without adding to the struggles of others. I’m so glad you feel appreciated, but would you feel less appreciated on that day if you were not asked to stand, and instead recognized with beautiful words like those Amy included?
Margaret said:
If this entire discussion is about standing vs. not standing, I’m okay with not standing. I don’t even care about the flower. And I do appreciate the words of the prayer. However, I do appreciate being acknowledged for my role and I don’t like the tone of some of the writer’s that their pain outweighs all others. I don’t know if the pain of being infertile compares with the pain of being the mother of a child who is cutting herself. How do you know that the smiling wife standing there might not have lived through a husband’s adulterous affair? Hmmmm… where will we stop splitting hairs? I just want to point out that mothers with living children standing or sitting in the pew may have also experienced indescribable pain.
What I have realized is that every adult is going through tremendous pain at one time or another. It would be naive of me to think that I have more pain than others. It would be immature of me to think that the happy looking couple has never had an argument.
I thank you for your prayers. Life is not easy for me, but I keep going because I have children to raise. Maybe that’s a blessing that I have that others don’t. Thank you for letting me write. I think I learned something about myself.
CassandraToday said:
Margaret-
I’m reminded of the saying (casually attributed to many, but as far as I know, reliably attributed to none): “Be kind to everyone you meet, for all are fighting a hard battle.” Your awareness of that shines through your words, and I think that’s a beautiful thing.
Amy said:
Margaret. I think many have learned in this process, me too! Thanks for joining in. Amy
Tom Ryberg said:
As a pastor who rather awkwardly invited “all women who are mothers or have been mother figures to others” to stand this past Sunday, I receive this. What a generous and timely word – I wish I’d gotten it a few days sooner, but it will stick with me for years to come. THANK YOU for your honesty and your very practical (and pastoral) suggestions for how to do this better in the future.
Amy said:
Tom, and thank you for your kind words that are so “open handed and not closed fist.” Your very words will be read as a balm by many. Amy
Keith said:
Hmm…I’ve always wondered why celebrating group X has to be seen as a slam to group Y. I mean, does celebrating our members who graduated from high school and college mean that we’re slamming those who dropped or flunked out? Does recognizing those who take part in the church music program (as we did just this past Sunday) mean that we’re being insensitive to those who couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket?
Or to get a little more personal here, as a diabetic, do I have to get into a snit every time a church reception has cake loaded with tons of gooey icing, and not a single diet drink in sight…except for water? No…I figure that’s MY issue, not theirs.
But having said that, here’s the portion of the prayers I wrote for mothers this past Sunday:
=====
Of course today we remember our mothers, our grandmothers, and all those who have acted as mothers to us – whether they be aunts, neighbors, or even fathers. Let us remember the mothers around us, our wives, our sisters, our daughters, and our nieces.
While it is easy for us to remember all those mothers who have shown us great love, let us also keep in mind those mothers who may have tried and not been able to give us the love we needed. Let us remember the mothers who for some reason are separated from their children. Where our mothers have failed us, let us at least give them a little credit for trying. Let us also keep in mind the mothers who have failed tragically when the world just became too much for them. And let all of us learn from the mothers around us; whether it be what to do or what not to do. Lord in your mercy…
=====
I will, though, consider using that litany you posted if I find myself “on duty” next Mothers Day.
Amy said:
Keith, I don’t think it is the celebrating of group X that is a slam to group Y, I think it is the way it is celebrated that can be the slam. Hope that makes sense, in my non-cyber life I’ve got a colleague in a kind of a medical crisis and am being pulled in many directions. I’m not sure if I’m communicating clearly :). Amy
Keith said:
I perhaps didn’t get that subtle distinction. But this is perhaps because I know of a woman who for years avoided church on Mothers Day, even though we really only gave it a passing mention, because she couldn’t have children. And as INsensitive as ANY mention of Mothers Day seems to come across as sounding by many of those who agree with you, people like her seem to strike me as being OVERLY sensitive. It seems to say that because *I* don’t get to be recognized, NO ONE should.
I agree with many of the things that j.m.j says (we should meet and talk someday!), especially in the light of the story of her boyfriend’s motorcycle accident. That tragedy gave her the “standing” to say what many might say I have no right to say simply because I’m a guy and “don’t understand.”
And yet I do. My wife and I dealt with apparent infertility issues for five years before being surprised by finding out the the “PMS from Hell” she thought she was having was our now 19yo daughter. And at no time during those five years did she ever think of not going to church on Mothers Day because it seemed to rub in her face what she was incapable of doing. She was most decidedly NOT that woman.
But I also vehemently disagree with the concept of “Because you’re not a member of Group X, you don’t get to have an opinion.” Sometimes it takes someone from OUTSIDE of our little group to see things a lot more clearly than we are able to, from being too close to it, and focusing only on the little dots rather than the big picture.
I guess the simple fact of the matter is that no matter what you do, someone’s ox is gonna get gored. Someone will be unhappy no matter what you do. That’s how it is with all of life. And regarding Paul’s admonition that we shouldn’t do something that causes another believer to stumble, that’s not so cut and dried either; perhaps while doing X will cause believer A to stumble, NOT doing X will trip up believer B.
It’s a complicated world out there, and there are no easy answers on this side of the grave.
Stacey said:
I can definitely see both sides. I’ve walked through the path of infertility and still am not a mom (although I thank God that it doesn’t hurt like it used to). During the difficult years, I wouldn’t go to church on Mother’s Day, just like sometimes I couldn’t go to baby showers for friends or watch baby dedications. But I would never ask a friend NOT to have a baby shower, or ask that mothers who sacrificially love everyday NOT to get their deserved recognition for just ONE day, or ask that we stop dedicating babies & celebrating families who want to raise Godly children. Yes, infertility is extraordinarily painful, but if I had ever been successful in becoming a mother, I would want the chance to celebrate it. So, if I have to miss one Sunday of church – because I know it’s painful, in order to allow amazing mothers to enjoy the spotlight, then I will.
Amy said:
Stacey, I get your point. I think others in the comment section see the not coming to church as not a helpful-to-the-community option. I don’t want to speak for others, and may have misread them, but I do see your point! Amy
Keith said:
Wow. I hadn’t seen it this way before. I have to admit that my wife and I saw the women who specifically avoided church on Mothers Day as engaging in their own private little “pity party” because they didn’t get “the prize that they wanted.” And mind you, this was even when it looked like we wouldn’t be having any children.
I had never heard anyone describe staying home that day as being a gracious way of allowing mothers to have their few minutes once a year at church, without saying “If I can’t have it, neither can you.”
I like the way you do this.
Aussiegirl said:
Keith, I can only speak for myself, of course, but I have never meant (or seen) staying home as having a pity party or saying “well, I can’t have it, so you shouldn’t celebrate it”. I can see that it might seem that way, but really it wasn’t – not for me anyway. It has been because for some reason, for me, that is the day/occasion that hurts the most. By the time Sunday evening on Mother’s Day comes around, my heart is so fragile and so raw that I just can’t do it.
I have some serious health issues and miss out on other events, “rites of passage” and acknowledgements. That can be hard but I’m fine with it. I have much to be thankful for in what I do have. This is different. It hurts on a different level, in a different way.
I go to family Mother’s Day celebrations, I go to baby showers and baptisms, I go to engagement parties and weddings. All these things cause varying degrees of pain depending on how I’m coping at that time. That being said, I go because it’s not about me and I want to celebrate with my friends and family. Sometimes I then go home and have a cry and then I get up, and get on with it.
As I said, for me, Mother’s Day at church is what hurts the most and it’s the one thing I allow myself to miss. I have never broadcast it or mentioned it except to one friend. It’s not about “not having the prize”, it’s not about being jealous, it’s not about begrudging mothers their attention or acknowledgement. It’s about me, doing what I need to do to protect my heart and get on with it.
Anyway, hope I’m not being overly dramatic, and I’m not meaning to target anyone. Just trying to show perhaps behind the scenes a little bit.
Keith said:
Aussiegirl, thanks for giving me the “behind the scenes.” Our minds, like nature, hate a vacuum. And as a result, when we don’t know what’s going on in a situation, we have to come up with something that seems to explain it so that we can deal with it.
Say what you will about some things being “none of our business,” if we don’t know, our minds will, out of a need to fill in the blanks and then move on, almost always make up something that while seeming to be the most logical and straightforward explanation (based on *our* experience), may be far from what is actually true. And this having to deal with false information may be more harmful in the long run than just being told what’s actually going on.
But once we actually *know* what’s going on, we can do a better job of working around whatever the issues really are for that other person, rather than trying to avoid the eggshells we think are there, and ending up in quicksand instead.
So thank you for giving me a different perspective from the one I’ve had lo these many years.
Christine said:
I found your article by way of Facebook this morning and then took the time to read most of the comments. The article was very thought provoking. I love Mother’s Day. It’s the one day a year that I don’t have to endure ridicule or teasing about our 7 children. We are firm in our belief that God called us to raise the children He’s given us. We love our large family, but the obnoxious comment get old after awhile. It’s one day a year that I feel like our congregation celebrates our children with us. When they ask for the mom with the most kids to stand, I know that our congregation gets excited for us. I’m proud to stand as a mother. It’s a ministry that has long hours and eternal rewards. 🙂 I know my husband feels just as proud on Veterans Day when he stands amongst the other men and women who has served our country. Should we stop having the Veterans stand for the others who have not served, so we don’t hurt their feelings? In our church the time spent on honoring moms is less than 10 minutes. I think 10 minutes, a few roses given out and a brief time standing,if you wish,is a good thing in our child-resenting society. It seems even in the church, people are choosing to limit their family size because they want to maintain a certain standard of living. It would be sad if the church stopped drawing attention to mothers because of a few. That’s not being said to ignore their pain, but to merely acknowledge the day, Mother’s Day.
Amy said:
Hi Christine, I know this wasn’t the point of your email, but I’ve been surprised and intrigued by the comparison many have made between Mother’s Day and Vetran’s Day. Hadn’t seen that one coming! 🙂 Amy
Emily said:
I’m on here again…I can’t help myself! This has been swirling around in my head ever since you posted it, and brought on some interesting conversations with my husband as well as others.
Firstly, kudos to you Amy. I’ve read through most of these comments, some with words not so “seasoned with salt” and you’ve replied to most all of them and always with much grace and love.
I don’t think any of us on here are against honoring Mother’s. I’ve seen many comments from Mom’s who are offended…there is no need to be. No one is trying to devalue their role in any way. Being a Mom is hard work, and often thankless.
We all have different roles. Some were made to be Mother’s and some were not. That doesn’t make anyone better or less than the other…just different.
I do find several things interesting. Julia Ward Howe first issued a Mother’s Day Proclamation calling for women to join the support in disarmament. Anna Jarvis promoted the current Mother’s Day celebration, but she herself ended up protesting the day she helped create because of it’s over commercialization.
I have to agree with her. Pretty much every major holiday has suffered this same fate.
Another interesting point was brought to my attention, and I saw someone else mention it here as well. In most churches, Mother’s are praised and almost idolized on Mother’s Day, yet on Father’s Day, men are often admonished and rebuked. Why is this?
Do these “holidays” belong in the church? Is it necessary, or profitable even to include these services? To the commenters saying the Bible commands us to honor our Mother’s. You’re right, it does. You’re to honor your Mother and Father every single day. Does making a church service all about a certain person and their role, whether it be Mother’s, Father’s, veterans, teachers, Grandparents, sisters, brothers, whomevers, take away from the real reason we’re at church? Should we be focused more on Christ, rather than the creation?
I think what we’re lacking here is understanding. When we are more understanding of people and their different roles, there is less chaos. Mom’s want us to see how difficult it is raising kids, childless women want us to see how painful it is not being able to raise kids, and the list goes on and on and on. We’re all just looking for a little acknowledgment…some understanding. That doesn’t make us selfish or narcissistic. It makes us human.
I think that’s what Amy is trying to get across here.
Mother’s Day is not a celebration for everyone. For the women who are infertile, who have miscarried, or whose children have died it is painful. It’s painful for Mother’s with missing children. It’s painful for Mother’s whose children despise them, or have runaway. It’s painful for women who have no Mother in their lives. For women who suffered at the hands of their own Mother, this day is not a celebration. It’s painful for the women taking care of their own Mother, knowing their relationship will never be the same because of debilitating mental disease. For some women, whatever their circumstance may be, this day isn’t for celebrating. We need to understand this.
These women need loved. If they can’t bear to come to church that day, don’t berate them. We are all in different seasons of life.
Show compassion. Show grace, show love, show Christ.
Amy said:
My favorite part: brought on some interesting conversations with my husband as well as others. Love it! Amy
Keith said:
Hmm…maybe Mother’s Day didn’t turn out the way that Anna Jarvis planned, but it certainly seems to sit well with most of the mothers I’ve known. That “one day of over commercialized sentiment” seems so much easier to bear for *everyone* than what she really wanted.
If I wrote a personal letter to my mother once every year of the type Jarvis wanted, thanking her for everything she’s done for me, she’d think that I had gotten news that one of us had had a horrible diagnosis, indicating only weeks left to live, and so I needed to get all of my affairs in order. Same with my wife…if she got a letter like that from our college-aged daughter, our first thought would be “what’s wrong?”
My mother knows that I appreciate all that she’s done (see http://tinyurl.com/keg-material), as does my wife. And that greeting card (humorous, of course) that Javis looked down upon because it was a “lazy substitute” for writing a real letter and a little gift are just fine with them. Same thing goes with me and Father’s Day.
So maybe it’s not what Jarvis would’ve done personally, but there are so many different ways for people to celebrate Mother’s Day that it seems a shame for her to be pissy because not everyone chose to do it in the heavily sentimental way that *she* had envisioned because it’s how *she* would’ve done it.
But you know…just as an experiment, maybe I’ll do it Jarvis’s way next year, and see if my mother calls to find out what’s wrong with me.
shannon said:
This is beautiful and brought tears to my eyes…it’s my second Mother’s Day since my youngest boy died suddenly at seven years old. Mother’s Day is such a hard day. Thanks for sharing.
Amy said:
Shannon, death of a child is so hard, whatever the circumstances. Thank you for sharing part of your story. Amy
Katherine said:
Thank you SO MUCH for posting this Amy. You know how hard it has been for me that we have not been able to have children and then our adoption plans have been foiled time and again. Obviously God has a reason for this but it is still so hurtful each time it is sort of “thrown in your face”. I have been at church’s where they do exactly what you said and ask the mom’s to stand and I am sure than many of those sitting feel just like I do – just like you have – like something is missing and defective in some way. My pastor has been great about praying for all women – those who are mom’s, those who want to be mom’s but aren’t for one reason or another, those who have given up children for adoption, those who have had abortions. I think it is very sensitve of him to take all women into consideration and honor them.
Amy said:
Kat, you blessed me. In my hour of need. Thank you. with love, Amy
Nita Kulesa said:
Dearest Amy . . . you have obviously touched many women and have allowed them to express painful life experiences that were re-opened by well-meaning, if thoughtless Mother’s Day tributes. As you know, we’ve seen a wide range of “Odes to Mothers” over the many years at our church, and I’ve often worried about the emotions of women around me. Thanks for being a fabulous writer and a lovely friend! (Your Mom is alright, too!!!!) Now, Momma K. says, “Get some sleep!!)
Kerrot said:
I would like to add another category that is often over looked. When I was young I made a poor, stupid, selfish and ultimately painful decision to abort my unborn child. Mothers day is a gut wrenching experience for me as I mourn my own mistakes and ultimately ended up being my only chance of being a mother as I am now barren. Not only is it painful to have such a fanfare to honor mothers only but it fills me with resound shame even though I know my Lord has forgiven me.
No woman should ever be denied a flower on mothers day. I think the church Should honor all women and even little girls for we never know what the past or the future holds.
Amy said:
Kerrot, you’re right, this should have been included as well. Your shame has been nailed to the cross. Though there will be reminders of what could be, may it be well with your soul. Amy
Judi said:
As I’ve read these posts and considered them much over the past few days, a question repeatedly comes to mind. The day is tough for many before we ever walk into the church building. We have been bombarded for days (or weeks) beforehand with advertising and all manner of media focused on the joys and the challenges of mothering. To honor mothers is good. To harm other women is rarely if ever the intent within the body of Christ.
Yet I wonder, does God sometimes allow a deep pain to come to surface in a setting such as a church service so that He can bring healing? I sense that this year, at least in my own experience, that has been true. I thank Him for those individuals who did not stop with celebrating those who are mothers, but took time to see the potential pain I might face that day and moved toward me with gentleness and sensitivity, reminding me that I’m still a part of the body. They were His hands and feet, responding with courage and compassion in a way that honored His name. I am grateful.
Ann L. Pitman said:
I began serving my current congregation in February. The first year is always like navigating a minefield not knowing all the past traditions around holidays. Based on my past experiences I was glad they were pretty low key about Mother’s day. I began our service with your prayer poem. I received an email from one of our deacons the following day thanking me for it as they had struggled through infertility issues prior to conceiving their now 3 year old. He thanked me for remembering & including their pain in the recognition of mothers. I suspect others in the congregation are unaware of this couple’s experience. No doubt there are others in the same situation that I have not heard from. Thank you for putting it into writing that I could share.
Amy said:
Ann, thank you for taking the time to share. My heart beat a bit faster as I read. As you said, “no doubt others are in this situation.” I find that validating someone’s situation goes a long way. No, we can’t remove it, we can’t make it go faster, but we can lessen the sting by saying “I SEE YOU. and you matter.” Appreciatively, Amy
Rebecca said:
Thank you so much. This is precisely why I haven’t gone on Mother’s Day the last two years. After two miscarriages and the loss of my own mother in the last year and half, I just couldn’t take it.
Amy said:
And thank you for sharing a bit of your story! Amy
Penny said:
I love how you have worded this post. Lovely!
Perhaps you have seen this article I’d like to share with you but in case you haven’t I’ll leave the link below… I think we place too much emphasis on the biology of it all on Mother’s Day.
http://www.inpursuitoffulfillment.com/2011/05/defining-mom-in-praise-of-all-types-of-mothers
Blessings
Amy said:
Thanks Penny, I’ll go have a look at your blog :). Amy
Penny said:
Well that would be nice but the link isn’t actually my blog. It’s a post I came across on Mother’s Day and your blog post made me think of it. (Don’t want to take credit that’s not mine. 😉 )
Amy said:
Regarless, it was a nice post :). Thanks for sharing! Amy
Rebecca said:
Not to lesson the reality of hurting women, but there are some of us who need that one moment to stand each year. We also have veteran’s day, president’s day, grandparent’s day, etc. which many people will never be or will never share great experienceswith them either. Maybe we shouldn’t bring attention to those people either? There are no promotions, no pay raises, no “attagirl’s”, and not much respect left in a modern “working mom” society for those of us who feel led to stay with our children as long as they are children. In an ideal world, our children’s smiles and hugs would be payment enough. However, once, just once, each year it is nice to hear that being a mom is special in and of itself.
Amy said:
Rebecca, I take it you haven’t read the comments :). We agree with you. Amy
Christine Bean said:
Thanks Amy, Sometimes we need to be reminded to be sensitive to other women around this time of the year. I’m a mum but not all have had the same journey or road travelled and some of those journeys have been rough and God heals those that need it and fills the void sometimes. I hope I’m making sense. Thanks Chris B from Tasmania Australia
Amy said:
You are making sense! and thanks for the shout out from Austrailia. Amy
Sandi said:
Amen 🙂
Shana said:
I can’t tell you how much this article touched my heart!!! So so true. In their well-meaning effort to honor mothers, they make the rest of us feel like second class citizens or unworthy, defective women.
My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer in ’99, then uterine cancer in ’07. While she was recovering from radiation in early ’08, I was diagnosed with PCOS. She died in November ’08, exactly one week before my 30th birthday. I had a D&C nine days later, which revealed widespread endometriosis. My hysterectomy was Dec 31, 2008.
My mother-in-law tells me I’m not a ‘real mother’, even though I’ve given my all to my stepchildren and step granddaughter.
The reality of infertility, the hurtful words, and the well intentioned ‘celebration’ on Mothers Day of those blessed women, the ‘normal’ ones, who can bear children like nobody’s business, makes me realize I will never participate in the ‘celebration’, or be ‘normal’.
Chubby hands stained with paint will never give me my special Mothers Day creation, I will never experience the sweet smell of baby lotion and cornstarch when changing my baby’s diaper, or get spit up on my band new shirt, or have puréed green beans thrown in my face.
I’m almost 34 now, and I always assumed as time went it would get easier. It hasn’t yet. Every time a close friend confides in me that’s she’s expecting, attend a baby shower, or have a swaddled bundle thrust upon me so I can get my ‘baby fix’, I want to crawl in a hole.
I will live with this pain for the rest of my life. Now I just need to accept it.
My best friend is due in August. Guess who’s throwing the baby shower?
Amy said:
Shana, you have known such personal loss and show great resiliency. I’m sorry for the comments from your MIL, as they jab at a place that is already raw and being offered up. Yes, you will need to grieve and live with this reality, but I appreciate that that is what you are doing: LIVING with it (as evidenced by the baby shower in August). Amy
JENNIFER said:
Thank you for this post! It sums up hoe i feel too. I work at a church, so I can’t skip on mother’s day. As a woman called to singleness, i have settled in my heart the fact that I won’t have children, but I always feel like I’m looked down on during this time. Especially when im the only woman sitting down or when I have to refuse a rose from the little children that pass them out. This year, I told the little girl who tried to give me a rose “im not a mom”….the adult with them looked at my with pity un her eyes and said, “well, um, that’s ok….you can still come into church”…..felt like less of a woman simply causr I’m not a mom….that should not happen at church
Amy said:
Oh Jennifer, this is the kind of awkwardness I was referring to. For you, for those around you, for that child. No, it shouldn’t happen in church — not when we are told to “come to me all you who are weary and heavy laden.” I hope that by commenting here, we, as your brothers and sisters, helped to bear the load a bit. Amy
Lisa said:
Amy, thanks for saying this! My husband and I have been married for 15 years, and have never been able to have children. We deeply, painfully struggled with this for about 8 years, and during those years, I learned that I just can’t attend church on Mother’s Day. After so many humiliating experiences, where I felt like a spotlight was turned on me that said, “look everyone, she’s less than…” I decided the day was better spent with my husband and I doing our own thing.
Even though the pain of infertility isn’t as acute as it used to be, Mother’s Day brings all of that pain back. Staying away for us has been a tremendous blessing, just spending some special time together, the two of us. 🙂 It blesses no one else for me to be there, guarded and stressed out that something bad will happen.
Amy said:
Lisa, thanks for sharing. Sometimes, the kindest thing we can do is remove ourselves for a short while :). Amy
Amanda said:
I wish that I had time to read through all of the comments, because I find this discussion very interesting. I loved this article, I think Amy did a great job of relating what so many feel on Mother’s day. I am single and do not have children. I don’t think Mother’s day should be canceled, but “real women stood and empty shell sat” completely discribes how I have felt every time I have sat in a Mother’s day service. I agree with Jennifer, women, should not be made to feel like less of a women, just because they do not have children, but it happens all the time in churchs and not just on Mother’s day.
Amy said:
Amanda, thanks for sharing! I’d love to hear more of your thoughts on the other times it happens as well! Amy
(Rev) Tarris Rosell said:
Amy, thank you for thoughtful reflections. When serving as a pastor, and in recent years as a seminary professor, I have thought often about the problems associated with both Mothers Day and Fathers Day observances in church. My life partner, also clergy (and mother of our 4 young adult children), and I have tried always to be inclusive and sensitive to those for whom parenting celebrations are complicated or painful. I suspect we’ve not succeeded always.
Your litany is the best I’ve seen. It doesn’t surprise me that you are getting thousands of “hits” and replies and forwards–which is how this reached me, from a niece for whom motherhood has been, well, complicated.
Thank you, Amy.
BTW, I note your KU background. You make us Jayhawks proud! 🙂 (I serve as clinical faculty at the med school.) Please keep writing and posting. The world is at your doorstep.
(Rev) Tarris Rosell, PhD, DMin
Kansas City
Amy said:
Rev Tarris, (I can’t help it) Rock Chalk, Jayhawk, GO KU! The world may be at the doorstep, but my heart is never far from Lawrence. Nine of the best years of my life were spent there — and nine years simply was too short. I love Lawrence, the Jayhawks, driving on I-70. OK, you can see I am a nut when it come to this subject, I just start babbling, that’s how much I love it. I’m going to hit reply before I embarass myself :). Greet KU for me! Amy
(Rev) Tarris Rosell said:
Nine years is a long time. Okay, I’m in Florida at the moment, but upon return to Kansas it will be, “Hey KU from Amy in China!” 🙂
Lois said:
Thanks for this article. I am a newlywed in my late 30’s. I was divorced and never had children with my ex and know it seems like it may be too late. Mother’s Day has been difficult for me for years. This year the pastor had all the women stand and all the kids gave the mom’s a gift. All the women sat down when they got theirs. I was one of the last one’s on my side of the church to get one. I almost sat back down. I felt so awkward because everyone knows i am not a mother even though “all women help mother the children of the church.” I would have rather stayed seated than had to stand up for everyone to see.
Amy said:
Lois, this is why I’m not a fan of standing :). I had a friend this past Sunday where the pastor had mothers of six or more stand — she didn’t know if she should stand because they have four now and twins who died around age three. Everyone in their church knows about the twins. Thanks for sharing your experience. Amy
AmyS said:
I’m a pastor who also happens to be a mother. Our church does not celebrate civil or “Hallmark” holy days. We stick with the church calendar. The decision to do so is both theological and pastoral. Thank you for your candor. This topic is very important for the health of the church and the spiritual lives of individuals.
Amy said:
AmyS, thanks for sharing what your church does! Amy
Julie said:
Julie here from Edinburgh in Scotland. As a mum whose only boy, youngest of my 4kids, became autistic after vaccine damage, I stayed home on mothers day this year. It always hurts too much watching babies getting dedicated on mothers day, remembering the perfect little by I used to have who was damaged. He is a handsome sweet natured by who could have modelled for hollister or Abercrombie if only his speech and behaviour and understanding were not that of a 4year old.
I love him to pieces but it’s still hard thinking on what he and I have missed out on and I hate this reminder every mothers day. It’s a day I feel guilt yet again for taking him for his vaccination and for not having managed yet to find enough answers to help him get further in his progress back to health.
It was one of my daughters who said to me just to give myself a treat by staying in bed instead of going to church this year…wise words!
Amy said:
Your daughter sounds like a keeper! Amy
Laura said:
Please don’t blame yourself – Vaccines don’t cause autism. You still have a beautiful child that is NO LESS WONDERFUL than any other child in the world. Being autistic is not a reason to ‘feel bad’ for your child, nor to avoid Mother’s Day… You gave him life, make it a great one!
D.M Westad said:
Felt compelled to comment in my own blog: http://onelefteye.blogspot.ca/
Please read and feel free to comment!
Ncumisa said:
To D.M. Westad
The tone of Amy’s blog post was not selfish in the least, nor did it smack of entitlement. It was simply a plea for compassion & understanding. That you could not see that is a reflection on your inability to empathise.
I have never read Amy’s blog before today so this is not a “fan’s” opinion. I am just a Christian mother who has walked the road of infertility with friends & tries to understand their pain, encourage them through prayer & friendship & keep pointing them to the Lord. I agree with Amy wholeheartedly on this one and do not wish for other women to be needlessly excluded & hurt in a church meeting.
D.M Westad said:
Thanks for your input, Ncumisa. BTW, you now hold the distinction of being my first commentor from outside North America. Congratulations!
I as well do not wish for any women to be needlessly excluded & hurt in a church gathering. However, it’s a simple fact that recognizing one person or group of people by definition excludes others. The only way to be non-exclusive would be to not recognize anyone at all. What exactly is Amy Young proposing here, that we use Mother’s Day to recognize and honor every female of child-bearing years and above? I agree with the generally understood purpose of Mother’s Day, to show gratitude specifically to those who have sacrificed so much to help us grow and develop into healthy, productive people.
You have, in fact, helped to prove one of my points, as a mother yourself: “The irony is that the majority of mothers are so selfless that they would refuse to recognize the error in Young’s thinking, and would gladly sacrifice some of their own much-deserved acknowledgement to show solidarity with her.” I commend you for your own selflessness, however I cannot agree with Amy Young’s position.
Sandi said:
Compassion and understanding for mother’s is important, because we spend many days feeling alone, unappreciated, hopeless and like our life is meaningless due to societies views on motherhood. If you looked at every sermon ever preached you would find that it hurt or excluded some people. I mean just look at the gospel itself, it excludes anyone who doesn’t believe in Christ’s death and resurrection from going to heaven. There is no way to include everyone in everything and for any sermon to not hurt anyone. So if the author would like to address every sermon she’s ever heard and how it might hurt someone, instead of acknowledging the blessing that those sermons are to so many other people, than I think it’s silly to ostracize those of us who are in the trenches of motherhood daily and let us be appreciated, loved and remembered for one day a year. Find a different perspective on motherhood and acknowledge all those around you who you think deserve it on motherhood and then take a stab at your pastor…
Marty Bausman said:
Well said…thought-provoking for those of us in ministry.
As a pastor (and a dad, married to a wonderful mom to our two children), I have been blessed with those in my ministry who have served as “mothers” to my wife and me, and as “grandmothers” to our children. While we have always lived far away from our extended biological families, God has always provided godly women of faith to influence and protect us.
On Mother’s Day, I recognize all of the women who are in attendance. Each of them have taken the role of spiritual parent to all of the children (and the adults) in our congregation. I challenge them to grow strong in their personal faith, that they show God’s love to all those who follow.
My own son and d-i-l struggled with bearing children. Mothers and Fathers Days were hard for them, and harder each passing year. They recently adopted siblings, 3 and 4 years old. I thank God for the ladies in their church who were supportive during the struggles, and for those who are now serving as examples of the Christ-life in front of our grandchildren.
Amy said:
Thanks Marty, as you pointed out, even if we, ourselves, might not have this experience, we know and love people who do! This isn’t a “six degrees” of separation kind of a thing, it is often only one. Blessings on you and your family. Amy
Shellee said:
I had a friend who had no children but she “mothered” all the children in our church. She acknowledged that Mother’s Day was a sometimes a difficult day for her, but she also said that it was silly (her word) to not acknowledge Mothers just because not all of us had children. I agree. I am glad for just one day set aside to honor my mother. She deserves many more than one. I may not have children, but she deserves this special day of honor for all she did for me. I think Pastor’s could word things compassionately, buit don’t do away with Mother’s Day and make it a “Ladies Day”. Mothers are special in their way and we need them.
Amy said:
Agreed! Amy
Susie at ProsperityStuff said:
So well said. Thanks for telling it like it is. I attempted a similar (less eloquent) statement in my facebook status on Mother’s Day, because, even though I’ve got a housefull of my own kids, I recognize the awkwardness & difficulty that many women deal with on Mother’s Day … “Happy Mothers’ Day to all my mom-friends! Mothers’ Day is a great chance to recognize all the wonderful moms we know … but this can also be a really hard day for those who’ve lost their mom, lost their child(ren), or longed to hold their own baby and haven’t had that privilege. So, here’s a special shout-out to the many wonderful ladies I know who have been, and are being, spiritual mothers to so many. I respect and appreciate each of you. :-)”
Amy said:
Susie, thanks for getting it :)! Amy
Debbie said:
Mother’ day is Hard and awkward….I miscarried on Father’s day almost 4 years ago, so both days are hard for me…Do I stand(and everyone looks at me like I am crazy, because they see no children, and don’t know I have a baby waiting in Heaven for me) or stay seated? This year I sat, last year I stood…..never sure what to do….Also. this year we are 10 months into adoption plans, waiting the long wait, but our children have been born already, we just don’t know them yet, so am I their mother yet…I pray for them daily like a mom, I worry about what they are going to go through before they can become mine(through the foster care system), but they are not mine yet, so…although their room is all ready for them, I still can’t stand…..Thank you for your letter and Poem…It has helped me to know others feel the same way!!!! God Bless!
Amy said:
Debbie, thanks for sharing a bit of your story too, it helps others to know that this impacts many! Blessings, Amy
Erin said:
When in high school I was a cleaning lady for an elderly widower, my Mother told me how his beloved wife of 50 years used to sit with silent tears running down her cheeks every single Mother’s Day. They were never able to have children. Tears still spring to my eyes when I think of how this wonderful man hurt so for the wife he loved.
Perhaps a previous poster mentioned this, but Mother’s Day has gotten over the top and away from its original purpose. It was started to honor the sacrifice of mothers whose sons were killed in the Civil War. More US soldiers died in that war than every other war combined, the mothers in our country paid dearly and this day was to honor them.
I am a mother of 5, expecting No. 6, and have two babies waiting in heaven for me to meet for the first time some day. I have no sadness on that day yet my heart hurts for those who would love to be mothers and stand, or in our small church, come forward and receive a rose. I think I may print off your letter, if that is OK with you, and give it to our pastor.
Amy said:
Erin, please do! Amy
Krystin said:
Two difficulties forgotten but felt in our family on Mother’s Day: single dad who stands in for mother and small child wondering why he has no mother.
Amy said:
Thanks for adding to the list!
Terri said:
I didn’t read ALL the comments (there are so many) but I didn’t see anyone mention this: people trying to make me feel better by saying I’m a mom to my pets! I’m married, was infertile and now post-menopausal.
I’ve even replied (to someone who was in my life group) “it’s not the same,” and she kept insisting.
Sure, I love my pets. I’ve read that childless people dote on their pets more, and I don’t doubt it. But my pets are not going to appear on my family tree.
Just another reason why I’m probably going to stay home from church next Mother’s Day.
Amy said:
That someone would keep insisting that a pet is the same … well, they just Do.Not.Get.It.
sensawunda said:
How right you are. I just ran across a scripture that expresses it… Prov. 12:18a, “There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts.” (ESV)
Terri said:
p.s. In retrospect, I suppose she wasn’t trying to say it’s the same… just that I could participate in Mother’s Day. Still, missing the point.
abby said:
Oh that’s awfully painful, Terri! Especially when others don’t pick up on your gentle conversational steering.
My situation is also a little awkward, and I have had good friends who know about my miscarriages tell me I should be celebrated on Mother’s Day because I teach children’s piano lessons professionally. I love my students and I am so grateful to be a part of their lives, but it is a huge slap in the face to tell me that interacting with a bunch of kids for 30 minutes a week means I’m more of a mom than carrying little babies inside me who died way too early.
Let me just say, Terri, that whatever you are doing in your life to obey God, and whatever He is working in you is VALUABLE. And even if it doesn’t feel this way, the gospel at work in your life, sanctifying you, blessing others, and bringing glory to God, matters just as much as “being a mom.” He doesn’t judge things the same way as us.
sensawunda said:
Thank you, Abby. {hugs} I’ve often thought that the pain of infertility probably pales before the pain of losing an infant.
anthonyphiliprose said:
Well said. It’s not just mothers and non-mothers though… it’s all those times pastors ask people to stand or raise their hand where those left out are as much singled out as those responding. It makes me cringe on their behalf. So I would like to add if I may a message to any pastors reading this: pastors, you have a tough job. Much is demanded of you. But mostly, while you need to be everything to so many people, dynamic, full of wise leadershop, a shoulder and an authority, remember this, please: lean, lean, lean on the Holy Spirit. Stay ever so sensitive in His sensitivity, flow with the Dove and let him always lead you. God is Love. The rest, the teaching, preaching, encouraging, gentle rebuking, is only the cup that holds the wine. Love is gentle, love is kind, love thinks of others. Love first. Let God achieve.
Kristy said:
GOSSSSHHHH. Well said. And thank you SO MUCH for saying it. Really, really, really.
jneufeldt said:
A pastor friend of mine was asking about mother/father’s day stuff at other churches, he blogged about it here: http://anabaptistly.wordpress.com/2012/06/18/beyond-mother-and-fathers-day/ and I sent him to your page. He was touched by your words a lot, I think it will inspire him for future services.
Amy said:
jneufeldt, thanks for sharing the link!
Michael said:
I became a single father this year when my wife lost her battle with cancer. I hope I’ll be moved to stand, not only for my wife but for all those who might feel marginalized by a mispoken word like Amy has pointed out.
Amy said:
Michael … we are sorry to hear about the loss you and your family have sustained. Sounds like your wife married a wise and brave man.
the dag said:
I’m a single dad and i have thought about not going on mothers day. it is a reminder of my wife walking out on our son & me. however my son loves going to church so i will silently struggle on as mothers stand and are given gifts. yeah they do the same on fathers day which i happily stood for because i wanted people to know i was a single parent and i could do with some support. yeah i can partly understand all the points made. thanks for writing it and thanks MB for sharing
miriam hartman said:
I find this day very difficult and have skipped church for this very reason. Two miscarriages and no children.
Michelle said:
I always hated this too. Before I had my daughter, I was only a “stepmother” to a child I dearly adore, but always felt awkward, not knowing what to do when they asked moms to stand. Was I a mother or not? I didn’t want my stepson to think I was taking his mom’s place if I stood, but didn’t want him to feel bad if I didn’t stand! Thank you for this!!
Rachel said:
Thank you for speaking up so frankly and honestly. I was one of those “awkward” women having had 2 miscarriages the week before Mother’s Day 4 years apart. I can joyous that I can say that I have had 17 Mother’s Day celebrating with my child after those heart-breaking Sundays. On the other side of that I have a very strained relationship with my own mother and have trouble celebrating with her. Each day should be celebrated for the care we give and receive from those who love us as family, regardless of genetics. I will keep the Mother’s Day acknowledgements you shared close at hand for this next Sunday.
Carolyn Barnette said:
Yes, I’m one of those who like to avoid being in the preaching service on Mother’s or Father’s Day. As a Minister to Single Adults, I have felt it part of my ministry responsibility to educate pastors and Sunday School teachers prior to special days like this. Below are some thoughts for pastors, churches, Sunday School teachers, and non-mothers.
Pastors: Please read the above blog before preparing your sermon for next week. The writer has some excellent points and a great poem. Also, from me personally, I want to ask you to please not patronize me by trying to include me with Mothers, however, don’t exclude me by isolating me, either. Call it what it is! It is Mother’s Day. Please don’t try to make it a day for the rest of us. It’s not National Women’s Day. It’s a day to honor those whom God has blessed with children.
Sunday School Teachers: Non all children live with or even know their mothers. Perhaps they are being raised by a single dad or grandparents. Talk personally with the custodial parent or guardian before next Sunday, and ask them how they want you to handle the situation with their child. If you are making a gift for mothers in class, ask the parent/guardian if they would like to have their child make the gift for a grandmother, step-mother, friend, aunt, etc. Then, the custodial parent will have an opportunity to talk with their child during the week. It will keep you from having to deal with an awkward situation that might embarrass the child.
Churches: Do not belittle the women who are not mothers by assigning them nursery duty next week. It makes us feel unwanted and second class church members.
Non-Mothers: On the flip side, as a non-mother, let God bless you and help you find joy in serving by seeing who is on nursery and children’s worship duty next week and offering to fill in for them so that they may attend worship that day. By doing so, you will fill that void in your life for the day, and you will receive the blessing! Besides that, you’ll probably get a lot of hugs from little ones, too!
MatthewS said:
Wow, so touching and beautiful. Thank you for showing the grace and taking the time to give the helpful suggestions. Our church is just one small corner, but in this corner you have been heard.
K. said:
And women who wanted children, but relationships and finances never worked out and now it is too late. 😦
Deborah said:
I’m with you, K. ❤ I'm so sorry for your ache. Our God loves you lavishly. I pray that you will know His presence in each moment.
Pastor Brian said:
Hi Amy,
I am a young pastor who has had the horrible privilege of walking with many friends who have gone through miscarriages and infertility. Each year, I always have struggled with how to address Mother’s Day at church. Your post is a beautiful reminder to me that it is important to acknowledge people where they are at and help my congregation be more sensitive to women who are mothers and women who are not biologically mothers but do a great deal of mothering and mentoring.
Thank you for your post
Brian
auntiejl said:
There are so many things I want to say about this…
I hated Mother’s Day for a lot of years. Not because I didn’t want to honor my mom or my mother-in-law, but because it represented that which I couldn’t be…and, it seemed, would never be. Despite trying for nearly a decade to conceive, we never did. During the time we struggled to conceive, my best friend got pregnant three times, a couple who were close friends had at least two or three of their seven kids, my sister conceived, my oldest nephew and his wife got pregnant, and my brother and his wife conceived…twice.
I had pregnant friends who would post pictures that said “I can grow people. What’s your superpower?” I had all the equipment, but it wouldn’t work right. Teenage girls I knew were getting pregnant out of wedlock. We did everything in the right order; why weren’t we conceiving? How unfair was that?
Even in churches that tried to be sensitive to those women who didn’t fall into the “mother” category, Mother’s Day still stung. Deeply. I couldn’t bring myself to attend a “Daughters of the King” banquet, which was held right around Mother’s Day and an obvious attempt to make it available to all women, since we were all somebody’s daughter, as well as being daughters of the King.
I felt like a failure. Yes, I know it’s the 21st century. I’m supposed to be liberated. I’m supposed to be my own woman. But the ugly reality is that it’s through women that family grows, the family line is assured. Women bear children. And, while it’s culturally uncool these days, infertility is still a stigma. It’s not talked about. It’s never mentioned, except by those who experience it, and only with others stuck in the same heartbreak. Just like miscarriages, infertility is spoken of only in whispers, as if to discuss it might make it contagious. It’s one thing to choose not to have children. It’s another to have that choice taken away from you, for one reason or another. Those of us who are infertile will often joke about how we’re still practicing on the cats to cover the immense pain.
Those of us who are so infertile that we can’t even claim a miscarriage or a stillbirth—like me—have a different kind of pain. Yes, Mother’s Day is to honor mothers…and, to be honest, we covet that title. We want to be moms desperately. We’re not. We can’t. And, even worse for us, we have nothing that says we even succeeded. We can’t get pregnant enough to lose the pregnancy. A terrible thing to be envious of, isn’t it?
A male commenter spoke above about how this is really a question of self-worth. Why should we feel such shame? Well, the simplicity of the matter is this: women bear children. Historically, fertility gave women their value. Giving birth to sons was best. But having daughters was better than having no children at all, and there was a time when an infertile wife was a perfectly acceptable reason for gaining a divorce. Why the shame? Women were created to bring life, to bear children. As I pointed out earlier, it’s through us that the family builds. We conceive, carry, deliver. And when a woman can’t do those things…even in our sophisticated culture, the shame is there. Does society place it on us? Not like they used to, but they certainly don’t help with the feelings of inadequacy when you can’t conceive and you watch your friends happily reproducing like rabbits. Why couldn’t we just set that aside and rejoice with our sisters in Christ? I rejoiced in every single one of my best friend’s pregnancies. I consider her three boys to be my nephews. And I can tell you, while I rejoiced with her, was delighted for her, the grief over my lack was there at the same time, cutting and deep. Overwhelming delight and almost crippling grief in the same heart, at the same time: it’s quite the dichotomy.
Another male commenter pointed out that it’s not about us; it’s about honoring our mothers. Do you think we don’t do that? We do. But for those of us who ACHE to be a mother, to hold a child in our arms, we honor our mothers while in the depths of great personal pain. And sometimes, that pain is more than we can bear.
My husband and I are now raising my three nieces, through a long and complex series of events. This year, I’ll celebrate my fifth Mother’s Day. These little girls are the children of my heart, not of my body. They are mine, and yet, not mine. My husband and I tried for so long…now we have children. But I didn’t give birth, nor did I adopt. In many ways, I feel like a fraudulent mom. Mother’s Day still brings a sting. I rejoice with my sisters in Christ. I want the hard work and dedication of all these moms to be honored. I know how tough it is. But I can tell you…I still long for a child that I birthed. It will never happen; I had a complete hysterectomy three months ago. I feel a failure in that I can’t give my husband a child that’s a blend of the two of us. I feel a failure in that I can’t give my parents another grandchild. I know that’s just me; my husband married me for me, not for any future kids we might or might not have. My parents are so thrilled that my husband and I took in and protected their granddaughters who were already here. More would be nice, my mother has said, but what we did for these girls is even better. The sting remains. I love being a mom, even though ours is such a complex situation. I still ache and hurt to hold a baby I helped create. Mother’s Day is a day of great delight and deep hurt for me, even now.
We are not asking for our own Non-Mother’s Day. (That would just make our heartache worse.) Yes, I say “our,” because I still resonate so deeply with these feelings.
We know that moms deserve all the honor they get, for theirs is a thankless job many times.
We do not want to stomp our feet and be petulant children. We want moms to be honored. We love them. We admire them. We want to be among their ranks.
We just want it to be done in such a way that it doesn’t inadvertently rub our noses in our lack of motherhood or bearing of children. Or in a way that shoves Proverbs 31 in our faces about how our children call us blessed (those of us with furry, four-legged children aren’t usually called blessed; they’re called “get me food now, human”). We’re asking for sensitivity.
When the pain is so much deeper than our ability to rejoice with our sisters in Christ, it’s no wonder some of us choose to not go to church on Sundays. However inadvertently and unintentionally, the deepest wounds of our hearts are torn at in a place where we should be loved and had our church family come alongside us.
Many of us suffer in silence.
We don’t want to.
We want our church families to love us, too, and treat us with respect and sensitivity on these days that cause the depths of our pain to resurface. Just as you would be gentle and kind and loving with a woman who has just lost her mother on such a day, be gentle and kind and loving with those women who bear the heartache of the lack of desired motherhood and the pain of lost children, be they by miscarriage, stillbirth, runaway, or infertility.
Amy said:
…. Loved these lines:
We do not want to stomp our feet and be petulant children. We want moms to be honored. We love them. We admire them.
We just want it to be done in such a way that it doesn’t inadvertently rub our noses in our lack of motherhood or bearing of children.
auntiejl said:
Thanks.
nicole said:
thank you for your post. i’m glad that even a year later someone posted it on FB and I was directed to it. i’m thankful that you pointed out so many other areas, than infertility, that woman hurt on this day.
i, too, am one that skips church. my husband and i have been married for 12 years…and have not been blessed with children….12 years of reminders that I can’t have kids.
i tried to be brave one year, and i went as my husband wanted me to go…he misses when i’m not there. all the children went up front and brought back roses for their moms as the men of the church sang to the women. (my husband was up there singing, too). tears streamed down my face as every woman received a rose but myself.
that was the last sunday i went on mother’s day. i would have been honored if a friend’s child brought me a rose, or my husband… (he was too busy singing and serving and didn’t even think…i don’t blame him at all) but people forget about me. or often, don’t know what to do or how to act.
there are many reasons i don’t go…the vulnerability. i don’t want to cry again for the whole service, i want to be strong…the Lord continues to heal my heart and help me as He has not given us children. i also ache because i miss my mom….i remember mother’s days past and being with her (she’s still alive, i just live across the us from her). and then i ache because my mother in law does not like me.
but most of all i ache because i’m not a mom. the only woman in our church who is not a mom.
and then, in a month, i get to do it all over again…..only add on top aching because i am unable to make my husband a father.
auntiejl said:
My heart hurts with you. Please accept a humongous virtual hug!
nicole said:
thank you… your post hit home a lot too. virtual hug back at ya!
angelroyal said:
Oh Nicole! As the kid who didn’t have a mom to give a rose to, I feel your pain! I am sorry and just prayed for you that you would feel His comfort around you this Sunday.
Ken Wiens said:
My wife and I married in our late 30s. Neither of us had been married before. Medical or adoption problems were never an issue. After a few years of marriage and about to enter our forties we realized that we just didn’t have the desire, drive or inclination to be parents so we took measures that insured that wouldn’t happen. There have been many many times inside and outside church that people have tried to make us feel inadequate and incomplete. I wish people were less insensitive and less offended by our decision. We have been married for 23 years, are very happy and pray for many more years together. We love our nieces and nephews and their children. Is there room here for Christian love and compassion to be expressed to those who make a conscious decision not to have children? I certainly hope so.
auntiejl said:
Absolutely!
The world needs all the honorary aunts and uncles it can get.
Before the girls came into our lives, I loved being auntie to as many of my friends’ kids as I could. I can’t be as involved in those kids’ lives as much as I used to, or as much as I want to, these days. I’m grateful all the time that I had the ability to do that.
And, I hope, someday my kids will have people like you, too.
Some of the most wonderful people I know have been childless couples, for whatever reason.
People like you are often a bigger blessing than most folks realize. I wish there was a Hallmark holiday for the aunts and uncles who pour themselves into their nieces and nephews.
Marilyn Cole said:
I respect you for your decision.
Jeff said:
What about Father’s Day?
Amy said:
Yup … very important! Did you see my letter about Father’s Day?
Loi Soto said:
For me, Motherhood is not always limited to giving birth to a child. Motherhood is how you live your life and influence those around you. I am the birth mother of three lovely children, and step-mother to another; one of which has already gone for her reward. I am grandmother to seven natural grandchildren and several “steps”. I am also great-grandmother to eight beautiful children! But of great importance is the fact I am honored to be “a mother in the Lord” to many young people.I am called Mama Loi by many. So, to all the women who have not given “birth” in the natural, I am certain you have “mothered” children in the spirit. Let this be your day, as well. .Happy Mothers Day To You All!
Dawn said:
Wow…..this is a huge number of responders! I am a mother of 5 and I always felt proud to stand. I am ashamed that I did not think of those who suffer because of difficult “child” issues. Please forgive me, all. I promise I will not forget you again!
Amy said:
Dawn, that’s how it is for all of us 🙂 … we don’t know until we know. But once we do, it’s hard to go back. No worries! Enjoy your kiddos, no need for shame 🙂
Karla Kensey said:
Thank you for posting this important story. I am an adoptive mother and suffered for 13 years through each Mother’s Day before our daughter was born. I also taught elementary school for 31 years, have mentored many teens, and have been very active in the lives of my nephews and nieces. I consider these nurturing roles to be like the role of mothering. I am blessed to still have my mother and mother-in-law to honor and have enjoyed that very much. But the pain on Mother’s Day is real for many women for lots of legitimate reasons. We do need to be sensitive to all women on this day. Valuing the relationships and being called to serve God through foster care, adoption, teaching Sunday school or Vacation Bible School, working with teens, sponsoring teens of alcoholic parents, coaching in the community, etc. is what should be encouraged whether one is a birth mother or not. God Bless our clergy as they endeavor to honor mothers and the relationship of mothering/ nurturing in all women. Looking at examples of women who are showing the compassion of Jesus Christ through their service would be a great way to celebrate all women on this special day.
Amy said:
Karla, I love the long list of ways we can be involved in one another’s lives!
Krissy (Oakes) Larson said:
Hi Amy,
First, I want to say I appreciate your words and sensitivity. I lost my firstborn daughter who was a full term stillborn on April of 2009. Come May 2009, I was bombarded by pain on Mother’s Day. I didn’t go to church for months after the loss and I can only imagine how I would have felt if I had been present. Fast forward a year and I was at church on Mother’s Day. I awkwardly stood up when the pastor called for Mom’s to stand up. It was so very painful 😦
With that said, I would disagree with a few comments that were left about how they wished that we would do away with Mother’s Day or not celebrate or show recognition at church. I believe the point of your post was to say that while it is worthwhile to celebrate Mom’s we must as a church be sensitive about the way that we do it. Anyone who has experienced loss will tell you that EVERY holiday brings its moments of sadness. That doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t celebrate. It just means that we need to recognize that these holidays bring a mix of joy and sadness for many individuals.
I applaud your efforts for alerting pastors to be sensitive. It means the world to me to have a pastor extend compassion by recognizing that each holiday can bring a measure of grief for someone who has experienced loss.
Don’t do away with Mother’s Day, just stop making Mom’s stand up awkwardly in service. Mom’s should be able to feel celebrated and loved. I wouldn’t want to steal away another mother’s joy just because the day might have it’s moments of pain for me personally. Pastors, be more creative about how you recognize Mother’s and acknowledge that not everyone in your congregation may be experiencing joy on Mother’s Day.
Amy said:
Krissy, you got it! I’m not interested in abolishing Mother’s Day … I’m advocating for celebrating it a bit more holistically 🙂
allthingsboys said:
It’s funny, even though I’m a mom, on this day I think mostly about a fairly tempestuous relationship with my own mother, and often feel sad during these services. Such a great post. Thank you for sharing!
Amy said:
And to you for reminding us that the surface isn’t all there is to a story!
Crystal brunn said:
Some mothers you forgot about are those of step children and there mothers died remember all moms including step moms
Amy said:
They are on the updated version 🙂 … sorry I forgot. You can see it at:
valerie said:
Thanks so much for sharing, this is Beautifuil
I have 5 beautiful children but my heart aches for all those wonderful women who would love to have a child
I hope you dont mind that I shared it on my facebook page
I feel everyone would be honored to read this
❤
Jean said:
WOW! All I can say after reading this article is, ” I cannot believe I just read this”. I read it aloud to my husband who said-“You’ve gotta be kidding me”. WHAT is someone going to come up with next to turn a hive of bees loose in someone’s bonnet. No matter WHAT category on life you fit into, it isnt going to apply to EVERYONE. That doesn’t mean those who it DOES apply to shouldnt be able to enjoy their “special day” just because someone else won’t be. THIS IS PURELY SELFISH- which- I KNOW- today it seems that its all about “make ME feel good”. COME ON people- there is NURSES day, and YES!! I celebrate it. Are you going to make a fuss about that too because you dreamed of being one as a lil gurl but it didnt make it to fruition? There isn’t George Bush day- maybe HE should make a fuss because people do recognize MLK day. COME ON! Let moms everywhere enjoy there day- I think some people need an attitude check. IF you are really dedicated to being a follower of Jesus Christ, do you not believe he is in charge of this area of your life as well? IF you chose to NOT adopt , etc, and are happy with this decision, why would someone elses questions bother you- simply tell them the truth- we decided agains it. Is your life fulfilled and blessed? Tell them so with a smile on your face. I love my mom- I CELEBRATE HER. I look forward to mother’s day every year- tooooo soon she won’t be here for me to do so. I don’t have time to sniffle because I’m not getting attention. All this article did was raise tail feathers. AMEN.
Ruth said:
Wow! I have not read through all the comments so forgive me if I’m redundant. (SO MAY COMMENTS! ) You hit on something here for sure .I know there are SO many scenarios, but I would add: ” for those who live with the shame and regret of abortion, we grieve with you ! “
Amy said:
Yes Ruth! It’s on the updated version at
Kelly said:
Wow. Never thought about that side of things before. Thanks for sharing and I hope all pastors this year acknowledge ALL the mothers. Good stuff!
angelroyal said:
I LOVE THIS!!! My mother left when I was 14. Every year on Mother’s Day, our pastor always asked those of us in church to go hug our mom and tell her that we loved her. And there was always such an awkward pause for me as I looked around at all the mothers who were being hugged. My brother, sister and I would always go hug our dad but I always felt the abandonment by her in a fresh way. After several years, it became a joke, but I am still uber-sensitive to it today. I don’t want to not celebrate moms–esp. since I am one now–but I want to be sensitive to those who don’t have one or can’t be one. It’s a fine line, but your words said it so very well! thank you for posting this!
Amy said:
You’re welcome! And to you for sharing — I can picture the 14 year old girl (as if that age isn’t awkward enough) and your siblings standing there. Your dad sounds like a trooper! Amy
John the Rev said:
I’m a male Pastor, married a long time, childless. I understand the emptiness, sadness I feel during these sorts of celebrations. We wanted children. I appreciate your list above. When I acknowledge mothers’/fathers’ day I acknowledge that all of us have them. I like the perspective that Tony Campolo (I think) gave about our parents: even if your parents were toxic, you can give thanks that they gave you life, even if you’ve had to struggle alone to bring your own quality and meaning to it.
Frances said:
thank you for such a thoughtful view on this. I have often thought the same on Mother’s Day especially when the pastor asks those who are sitting with their mothers or the mother with the most children present, as if it’s a type of contest. When mine were young it did not bother me, however once they grew up and the pains of motherhood were and sometimes are quite heavy I began to feel more of a failure in motherhood rather than to desire to celebrate it. I have fostered children too and when the pastor asks “who has the most children I think how hard it is to separate the LOVE and devotion I have had for 12- 15 other children besides my own 4 living biological children and the 2 in heaven. Motherhood isn’t the number of children one has .. it’s the heart of a woman who is willing to love, nurture and long for all .. although there are many who choose not to be mothers, there are so many who would give anything to hear those words that will never come. Thank you again.
Amy said:
Frances … I’m now picturing those foster kids sitting with you in church and wondering how you viewed them. Would you count them? Would anyone? Thanks for reminding me of them too. I hadn’t had such a visual image until I read your comment. Amy
Heather said:
Dear Amy, My husband pastors a church in Oregon. I have had a miscarriage, now have 2 children and had a wonderful mother – but my husband lost his mother as a young child. Your article was a good reminder of the pain that can be felt on this day. Just a couple of points for me: 1. Thought that you wrote a well written piece on the subject 2. Also agree with SOME of the opposing views that to make this about all women does feel like giving a trophy to EVERYONE on the little league team 3. It does seem a bit selfish to say that because I haven’t had a child I can’t celebrate Mother’s Day- we all have a mother that God has called you to honor- He didn’t call us to honor or celebrate ourselves as mothers 5. We will most certainly be keeping your article and the mothers you represented in mind when planning our service this weekend. But the main reason I am responding is because I am so impressed with the love and grace with your responses to the posts following your article. When I first read your article, I might have come away thinking that it was a bit selfish as some have stated- but the way you have responded to both critic and fan – has proven your love for Christ and his body. So uncommon in this world of Internet sharing. Keep up the good work – I’d read your articles, even if I might struggle to agree 100% or not. May God continue to work through you~
Amy said:
Heather! I loved this comment — because this is what I hope would happen. Not that everyone would agree, but that we could have a civil discussion about this topic and learn from each other :). And if people think I’m selfish (maybe not in this area so much), but I’m guilty as charged. Aren’t we all a bit selfish! But I also love people and know that I’m better for having a whole range in my life. Thanks for the comment! Amy
Jennifer said:
I don’t want to sound insensitive at all to this issue because I know many of women who struggle with this issue of not having children, but I believe honoring a mother can still be done in a way to give them recognition for their role that God has chose them to be in. I don’t understand why God chooses to allow some women to be moms and some woman not to be. Being a wife of a Pastor, I don’t believe they are choosing to make a woman feel less than if you not a mom ( My husband doesn’t make Moms stand) but they are trying to find ways to honor Mothers. Yes, it’s a rough day for many woman who have lost children through miscarriage or that could never conceive but it’s also a day for the woman who were chosen by God to be a Mother to be honored for their sacrifices to their children and dedication in raising them for Lord. I’m very sorry to the many woman who have these feelings each and every Mother’s Day, but we also need not to blame the Pastor’s for the way they handle honoring these woman. A mother is a mother because God chose her to be one!
Amy said:
Jennifer … we agree! That was the point of the letter — where we might disagree is how to honor 🙂 Amy
Karena said:
What about single women, never even given a shot at motherhood or being chosen by a man?? Childless and coupleless?? think the church needs to stop celebrating, defining, giving sermons on “roles”. most churches, which is why I have stopped trying to find one, are all about family, having one, catering to them, is it not the individual that is important to Christ? stop teaching how to be your role? start with an honest awareness of self, then look to Christ. It is a secular holiday, why celebrate it in church at all?
Amy said:
Karena, keep hunting! Not all churches are equally “family focused” — there IS a place for you!
Lyn Farris said:
Any chance you’d be able to expand the list/poem to include the other categories mentioned in the replies?
Amy said:
It has been … on the updated version 🙂
Sally said:
As a childless single woman and a pastor, I have been aware of this issue for many years.On Mother’s Day I usually just mention “all those who have nurtured us and helped us to grow” in our prayers of thanksgiving. At the close of the service we will give out flowers (or small plants) to all the women present, and ask that people to take other flowers (which we give out) “to people who supported you, nurtured and helped you to grow”. On Father’s Day, we recognized all men, and all caretakers, mentors, nurturers, etc.in a similar way. It’s not perfect, but we don’t leave anyone out.
Amy said:
Not perfect, no 🙂 … but I don’t think that’s the goal. If it is, we’ll fail every time. But it does sound like you have a welcoming church family!
PastorsWivesAnon (@PastorWivesAnon) said:
As a mother-to-be and also as someone who has experienced miscarriage, I really appreciate this article. I shared it with my husband, a pastor. He mentioned discussing this in seminary – how some churches can be very insensitive on days like Mother’s Day. You’ve verbalized my thoughts and feelings in an eloquent and sensitive way.
Ken Boggs said:
Thanks for your help! I appreciate it.
Amy said:
Thanks Ken! We need more men commenting here so I’m glad to see yours!
ellnie said:
Thank you so much for sharing this! I stopped going to church on Mother’s day years ago. I am 50 years old and have never been blessed with a husband or children. I also lost my own mother to breast cancer when I was seven years old. Mother’s day is just awful for me. I used to visit my mother’s grave on Mother’s day, but that just made it worse (I do go at other times). I now choose to make Mother’s day “My Day”. I pick something fun that I really want to do and go do it. It’s not a perfect solution, but it sure is better than trying to get through church without crying.
Amy said:
Ellnie — I’m sorry that it’s awful for you. I understand why you might not want to go to church on Sunday … are there other ways you can still connect with people? I hate the thought of you being alone (though I know God is with you, we’re still relational). Amy
ellnie said:
Amy,
Thanks for your concern, but I did not mean to imply that I necessarily spend the day alone. I just make sure that whatever I do and whomever I am with is what will make me happy. This year, I am going on a bide ride and picnic with a friend.
Anne-Claire said:
This post is spot on when it comes to the reason I won’t step foot in a church on Mother’s Day and my husband won’t on Father’s Day. It is too painful. Thank you so much for writing this! I have shared it on facebook and e-mailed it to people I know would enjoy reading this.
Amy said:
Thanks for being a part of getting the word out 🙂 … it only takes a spark (do you know that 70’s song?).
Samantha-Brian Franklin said:
What about those Mothers who lost their children to adoption? They are still Mothers, not “Birth Mothers”, but Mothers. Every adoptee has two.
Amy said:
You’re right! They are included on the updated version: http://www.messymiddle.com/2012/05/10/an-open-letter-to-pastors-a-non-mom-speaks-about-mothers-day/
Matt said:
I feel the same about Mothers’ (and Fathers’) Day as I feel about Easter and Christmas as they relate to Church activities.
It seems silly to me that we should set aside a specific day to play catch-up on honoring or remembering someone/something that we should honor and remember every day of the year.
At best, special observance of Mothers’ or Fathers’ day seems trite. At worst, it seems self-seeking and hurtful to those mentioned by the author. I’d like to see us do away with Mothers’/Fathers’ day altogether. Not just as a body of believers in our worship assemblies, but in society as a whole.
Les Ferguson, Jr. said:
I have been a preacher for so many years–and usually spoke on Mother’s Day about good ol mom. I dread this one for my children. I no longer preach. I can’t. But after the murder of wife and son, my kids are in such a different place… I wish I could shield them from such pain….
Amy said:
Les.
I have no words to adequately honor you and your families experience. I am trusting that God has brought people into your daily life who can walk this path with you.
Amy
Sophie said:
I was bracing myself for yet another PC whine, but this is so, so valid and real. Everyone needs to forward this to his/her pastor, regardless whether it applies to the sender. It never crossed my mind before, but now we all have a chance to make this day special for more because it’s REALITY.
Amy said:
Hehehe Sophie, like to keep ’em wondering :). I do whine at times (fuss really), but this really was meant to help pastors and not be a rant.
Rachel said:
Hi Amy, A friend shared the link to your post on FB and it brought tears to my eyes. I am a mom but my oldest sister was never able to have kids and this just made me empathize with how she may have felt all these years. Thank you for sharing! And I wanted to share this with you. I follow Glennon Melton’s thought and I think you are a Mother, a warrior, just by being you and nurturing life … http://momastery.com/blog/2013/05/06/on-angels-and-warriors/
So glad to have found The Messy Middle. Can’t wait to read more!
Amy said:
Rachel! I’m glad you found us too 🙂 … so that we stay in contact, be sure to check out http://messymiddle.com (not this wordpress one). Looking forward to getting to know you. Amy
Casey Tygrett said:
As a guy and a pastor I appreciate this. We’ve recently begun making a statement on Ma/Pa day about infertility, but you broadened the issue a bit. Thanks for doing that. Blessings.
Amy said:
And Casey thanks for you for commenting!
Kingdom Healer said:
Very nice….
GGilchrist, Ohio said:
Dear Amy! WOW! Thank you so much for your words of wisdom. I have been the coordinator of my church’sMother’s Day celebration for many years now and each year it is becoming increasingly more difficult to come up with new ideas. You name and I think we done it, including asking all mothers to stand. Your sensitivity has overwhelmed me and caused to me to think and speak more cautiously. I normally have a poem read to honor and celebrate all mothers at a specified time during our morning worship service. If you don’t mind I would love to use your poem (naming it’s author) on this coming Sunday. I have never seen your blog until today, I will become a regular. Thank you again for your sensitivity to all women and to the spirit that abides in each of us.
Amy said:
Please do share :)! Here’s an updated version http://www.messymiddle.com/2012/05/10/an-open-letter-to-pastors-a-non-mom-speaks-about-mothers-day/
runnerem said:
As another person who is not a mom, I have to say I disagree. I understand where you’re coming from, but it makes me sad that we have gotten to a point in society where no one can celebrate anything without feeling guilty. It’s Mother’s Day. It’s not a personal insult against those of us without children, and we know that our influence is still there, although different. But we shouldn’t begrudge our friends and family for celebrating something that, purely in the fact we’re even having this conversation, we all recognize as something wonderful and a great honor.
Nobody is looking at the people sitting down. They are looking at the people standing up, because that is who we’re celebrating that day. It’s not a commentary that us “sitters” are less than whole. We’re just not a part of that group. Just like Im sitting on Father’s Day, or Memorial/Veteran’s Day, or Graduation Sunday. I don’t want people to feel guilty about their joys in life because of some perceived hole in mine.
Adam said:
It is a sad and worldly perspective which equates honoring one individual with shaming another. Your article posits that celebration of motherhood should be tempered to mitigate feelings of inadequacy by those who “have the equipment but not the goods,” as if wanting to have kids is the same as having them.
Often, someone will find out I’m in the military and say “I thought about joining once, but I didn’t” in a way that suggests their momentary consideration is the same as taking the oath and deploying overseas. Should veterans stop wearing their uniforms to church on Veterans Day so those who are “equipped” but didn’t join don’t feel bad?
Paul writes in 1 Cor 12 about the Body of Christ, and how every part is equally as important as the other. Your article reminds me of verse 15 which says, “Now if the foot should say, ‘Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,’ it would not for that reason stop being part of the body.” Just because one woman had a child and you didn’t doesn’t make you an “empty shell.”
In a society where motherhood is tragically devalued to begin with, we should celebrate it every chance we get. If we attend church seeking recognition, we have the wrong heart when we walk through the doors. To suggest we take away from those who did something because you haven’t or can’t is simple selfishness, analogous to the “everyone gets a trophy” mentality.
My wife and I can’t have children, and there are many opportunities God has presented us which children would have made impossible to accept. Do not mourn what you have not received; rather, rejoice with those in their time of blessing, and seek the purpose in your childlessness.
Ryan said:
I see your point in this article, and I find the passage at the end quite lovely as an alternative. However, I can’t help but wonder why so many non-mothers have negative feelings about not standing in the first place. More broadly, why is it that, in our society, recognizing, appreciating and uplifting any person or group makes others feel somehow slighted?
Amy said:
Ryan, I think (and it is late at night and my brain is so tired, I’m not sure I’ll be clear, but I will try!) the issue/rub isn’t the elevating of one group but the way that the group is elevated. Does that make sense?
Debra G said:
Amen, Ryan! Amy, how exactly are they supposed to be elevated? I mean really. Everybody wants to be so politically correct. Nobody is looking at you because you didn’t stand. They are looking at and honoring the moms. Whenever any group is told to stand and be honored, nobody is looking at the people still sitting. They are looking at the standing people. This is really your own hang-up, in my opinion. You really need to put your focus and identity in Christ.
karla said:
Very nice, except I must say that a single pregnant woman is not A.W.K.W.A.R.D. It is as equal as a celebration as a woman with a partner. I felt that line held a lot of stigma, though thank you for the rest of your thoughts.
Sue said:
This is beautifully said, and it speaks to my heart where there is a hole. I always dread the pain of Mother’s Day.
Val Young said:
My husband chooses not to go to church on Father’s Day or Mother’s Day after losing his parents. I chose not to go on Father’s Day every single Father’s Day for the past 12 years my first husband has been deceased. I have also avoided Mother’s Day because we planned his funeral on Mother’s Day….also out of respect for his precious mother. And now, I even mourn this one because my oldest is graduating highschool and we’re dealing with secondary infertility. I also know that with my husband’s illness, I will probably lose him too young as well. Again, the cycle of grief. This tradition does hurt a lot of people. However, for some, it really means a lot. Sometimes, it’s the only time a mother can get her children into a church pew. I think those of us who hurt will hurt whether we are there or not, whether they change the service or not. Let the ones who need this type of service have it. The rest of us, God will get us through it just like any other time.
Vicki said:
wow all the posts!!! Our church used to hand out flowers or a little gift and never excluded the single women, I was so glad for my sister-in-law. I have 2 sisters who do not have childred so I believe this is something more churches need to be sensitive about. As a mother myself I never felt like they should not be included in the flowers and gifts.
Jewel said:
Dear Amy….what a thoughtful and beautiful post. You brought up so many thoughts about Mothers Day that I had not considered in my 61 years. Well, perhaps I thought about them at some point, but did not ever put them into words. Thank you so much for this and I will be passing it on to my Pastor’s wife and to others that I think would appreciate it ……Jewel
Amy said:
Thanks Jewel! I happen to be in a unique position of lots of people talking to me and that’s helped me see if from a variety of perspectives. Thanks for sharing! http://www.messymiddle.com/2012/05/10/an-open-letter-to-pastors-a-non-mom-speaks-about-mothers-day/
Sherry said:
Wow, so well said! I will be sharing this!
I had a difficult mother’s day a few years ago, even though I have 4 children, while going through a divorce and the pastor spoke on marriage and it hit a very painful nerve. I left in tears and cried the whole day! I said I would never go to a mother’s day sermon again, and I didn’t for a few years. But I have gone again and it was ok, but never again with that same pastor. It is hard to be sensitive to everyone, but we really need to try, because sometimes you don’t know what will hit a nerve with people.
May God bless and comfort all women!
Amy said:
Thanks Sherry! And I hate to be a pain … but if you could pass on this version, I’d appreciate it.
the crunchy christian said:
The first Mother’s Day sermon after placing my son for adoption was very much like this…and every Mother’s Day after that until I married and we started a family.
I know it’s unintentional and birthmothers often go unnoticed, but your reference to “failed adoptions” immediately made me think of “Or ‘successful’ ones” – the outcome of any adoption involves loss on the part of a mother.
I appreciate this post, and I’m glad we don’t do the standing tradition at the church we attend now. 🙂
Jamie Kocur said:
I am a “mother of the heart,” as I worked with the African Children’s Choir for years and helped mother 49 beautiful children. I consider them “my” children and see myself as a mother, but the congregation would not. If I stood, it would begin rumors of me being pregnant.
So I sit, crying a silent tear over the precious children that are no longer in my physical life, but ever present in my heart.
Grace said:
Reading this made me cry. I understand all too well. My mother was killed in a car accident nearly eight years ago. I was single and childless for a few years after my mother’s death. When people would wish me happy mother’s day my standard reply was, “I don’t have a mother and I am not a mother, so the day is not for me.”
Two years ago I married the most wonderful man in the world, and with him was blessed with a beautiful step-daughter. I love her like my own, and I often say I couldn’t have asked for a better kid if I made her myself. However, Mother’s Day still has a bit of a sting. My husband and step-daughter always make sure I feel special, but my step-daughter will always spend the holiday with her biological mother. I am the second place mother. I get presents and special treatment, but it always has to wait.
My husband and I have struggled with infertility. We have been trying to get pregnant with no results pretty much since our wedding. We also attempted adoption this past year, but our attempts failed two months ago, and we are still mourning the loss
I will freely admit that this coming Mother’s Day is going to be extra hard for me. We are attending a new church and I don’t know how they celebrate the day, but I know it will be hard to go anywhere where a big deal is made. I know in the situation where the mothers are asked to stand my husband will urge me to stand and I will, but there is always a part of me that feels like I don’t belong, that I haven’t earned that right.
Amy said:
Grace … wow, you (and your husband) have been on quite the long and winding road. Thanks for sharing a bit of it with us. I understand if you sit or stand (if it comes to that). Blessings, sister!
Derek Krogh said:
Some people need to learn how to rejoice with/for others. It is 1 day a year. Grow up.
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Amy K. said:
Thank you, Amy. I could have written this. Unless I go to church with my own dear mother who is 1000 miles away, Mother’s Day is my day to wallow in a little self-pity. My story is short — Miscarriages, Infertility, Menopause. Even without the awkward standing ritual, the day is harrowing. When I have gone out to eat on those days, well-meaning waitresses and hostesses wish me a “Happy Mother’s Day” because, aren’t all women my age mothers? Both replies sting — “Thank you” feels false, like I’m claiming a name I haven’t worn…. and “I’m not a mother.” seems too personal and makes the other person feel uncomfortable…. so I eat at home. Monday is better, but that one day…. *sigh*
Kaitlyn said:
I experienced this. I was visiting FAME church in LA the Mother’s Day after I had carried my first pregnancy. They asked all women to stand and honored them for the beautiful reflection of God that they were. Men and women of all ages embraced me after the service, proclaiming Happy Mother’s Day. It was beautiful and healing for me.
Anita said:
I was one of those single women who found herself pregnant. It never occurred to me to feel awkward for a minute about it and, yes, I’m Christian.
Now, as a single mother, who works very hard inside of the home and out, a single mother to a young child who gives the best hugs and kisses, not for one minute do I feel ashamed and awkward about the fact that I am, a never-been-married mother to my child.
Furthermore, for some like me, a brief moment of recognition at church is the only bit of acknowledgement we DO get on Mother’s Day, but I guess we should just sit down and feel ashamed that we are, in fact, single mothers.
Bonnie said:
I wasn’t sure how this was going to go as I started reading your post but honestly this was a beautiful sentiment for Mother’s Day. I can relate to several of your ‘mothers’ in the list and it made me cry. I plan to post your list, giving you full credit of course, and I thank you for reminding me that there are all types of Mothers. I have actually never heard of a church having the mothers stand and I think it is a ‘not very well thought out’ practice. I would have stood, too, had I been you. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts.
Amy said:
Hi Bonnie … whenever I get up to speak, I think my parents aren’t sure where/how it’s going to go :). And thank you for sharing it … there is an updated list at http://www.messymiddle.com/2012/05/10/an-open-letter-to-pastors-a-non-mom-speaks-about-mothers-day/
Lise budreo said:
I appreciate your thoughts and I would like to add another to your list:
To the women who made the decision that motherhood (in the conventional sense) was not for them, yet love those around them with no less conviction and who sacrifices for others/humanity, we understand you.
Lise
becky said:
What a great post! I would add to your list above…those who, prior to becoming believers may have made poor decisions regarding an unplanned pregnancy. Imagine being older, no children w/the knowledge that when you were16,17 or 18 years old you chose abortion. Then imagine you became a Christian later in life. On top of the guilt and shame you already have, it gets magnified when all those mother’s stand up. Prayer for those ladies would be such a great thing at that time.
Amy said:
Indeed! It was added to the “real post” — I didn’t realize this site was still live 🙂 … and can be seen here
Rev. Sherry Mullins said:
And there are those of us who sat through the “Mother’s Day Sermon” who had just placed our babies for adoption. A “successful adoption” I guess for “another mother” but “failed enough” for us. I have since met my son (and have a relationship with his mother) but on Mother’s Day 1983, you would have found me sitting in the nursery, crying like a baby with the other crying babies… because I had to get up. And walk out.
It was not the last time that I would walk out. I walked out every single time I heard a message that “put mothers down”… mothers who work outside the home, mothers who are single, mothers who are divorced, mothers who can’t adequately care for their children, mothers who love other mothers…
Eventually, Sundays became more about “not sinning like those people.” (The list of “those people” was long, comprehensive, and not “just for mothers” but I’ll spare you.) I wanted it to be about how to live a good and noble life, how to look deeply into my own soul and my own choices I would need to make with this life i had been given, and how to be with and have compassion for all people.
I finally quit the problem of walking out. By not walking back in. I know this has digressed. But as you said, “Tone can be tricky.” That last visit was 23 years ago. I can still tell you exactly what was said. I can still picture my mother reaching her hand out and placing it on my knee and patting me as those words were being said. She knew. And in that moment, I sat and I struggled to sit. And I knew too. That was the last time I would sit there.
Many years later, I became a Minister. Just not that kind of Minister. And yes, I am a minister who is also a Woman. And a Mother. And a Mother-in-Law. And a Grandmother. And a Wife. I was a Sister. Until she died. Now it is my mother who sits in the church nursery every May and and cries… (And I quietly thank God they don’t have a Sister’s Day to “celebrate” too.)
In this day as church numbers dwindle, I believe that we need to be painfully aware not just of the message we intend to send out from the pulpit, but also the underlying messages we may (unintentionally) also convey.
I guess you weren’t the only one who needed to say what’s on her mind.
Amy said:
🙂 … not surprising that we all have a story to share! Thanks for sharing yours! Amy
Gregory Smith said:
Mothering is something a person does and is not automatically granted by biology or reproduction. Mothering children is always to be honored — even when performed by an aunt or dad. A Mothering Celebration day would best. I vote for ditching Father’s day and have a 2 day Mothering Celebration holiday. Father of 8 and husband of the #1 woman on the planet.
KB said:
I have thus far in life chosen not to have children, and I sometimes feel that I am alienated on Mother’s day because of this decision. That too is hurtful. My life is not worth less because I have no children by choice.
victoria said:
I love this! I had my first baby on February 20th of this year. I then lost my first baby on February 22nd of this year. I’ve actually been dreading going to church on Mother’s Day because, I know it will make me cry. I’m a mom without a baby to hold and this should be my first Mother’s Day, but I feel like the rest of the world still looks at me and sees a woman without a child.
Amy said:
Oh Victoria, I am saddened to hear of your loss. May you sense the presence of God in a special way this year. with compassion, Amy
bradshimomura said:
Reblogged this on Brad Shimomura's Blog and commented:
Great thoughts on Mother’s Day… My wife and I have been in many of these categories.
vicky said:
So how is this any different than asking a person who is a veteran to stand up? Why are we so offended by people being acknowledged within the church?
If your pastor is doing his job you should feel uncomfortable every week. I mean are we going to church to make ourselves feel better about the sins we did all week? Sure everyone has a problem, whether it’s a loss of a child, spouse, friend, parent etc…. why do we have to not do something just because it might offend someone? I mean to me personally, I appreciate everything my parents have done for me. And yes, I do have a husband and a family, and perhaps I might be sad if I didn’t have kids and other women were asked to stand up and be thanked. I think we get over involved in our own pity parties to see through the haze. And yes, this may be harsh. But I am sick and tired of making everyone feel like they have to be the same as everyone else. WE aren’t so get over it. And parents are important because you wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for them. So yeah, it is kind’ve important. And no, we’re not doing this to offend anyone else.
Can you honestly tell me that if your mother is sitting beside you, that you wouldn’t want her to be stand and be recognized?
Amy said:
I can honestly tell you that my mom felt even more uncomfortable standing than I did sitting … we talked about it. I have a great mom! 🙂 But it’s OK, Vicky, that we might disagree on this. Blessings sister!
Tammy said:
I would like to comment again :). People have been using Veteran’s Day as a comparison. Let’s say you had a congregation in which several Veteran’s returned home without a hand or arm or leg. On Veteran’s Day, would you like the pastor to say: “Let’s have all the Veteran’s who came home with all their body parts stand so we can honor them!” NO, of course not!! Through no fault of their own, one of those Veterans lost a part of his or her body.
That is the same for a woman who is unable to conceive — through no fault of her own (and there are numerous reasons a woman cannot conceive, I’m just using this one example) a part of her body or enzyme, etc., etc., may be missing.
I am not trying to exclude any woman here (those choosing not to have a child, those who have lost a child, all of those mentioned). I am just trying to give an example that maybe some people may better relate to.
Everyone can see that Veteran has lost a part of his or her body, so we wouldn’t single out by exclusion that Veteran. However, you cannot see such an outward sign for women.
Again, I do not believe the point of this is to do away with Mother’s Day. Let’s celebrate mothers, let’s praise them, let’s glorify them — but there is a way to do it without causing more hurt. Rather than have them stand (which is the entire point of the post, do away with the singling out and standing!!), let’s give all mothers a round of applause. Then be sure to call your own mom and wish her a Happy Mother’s Day.
Finally, I don’t think there is anything wrong with sharing your feelings with your pastor about a practice that causes you more hurt. Isn’t that a good reason to go to your pastor? Maybe that person has more deep-seated issues with which the pastor can help. Maybe the pastor never thought of it as hurting anyone else and will elect to change what s/he does. Amy’s letter was a way of notifying her pastor that a practice at church hurt her. That’s it — she doesn’t say quit acknowledging mothers, Veterans, fathers, etc. She says: “The practice of having mother’s stand on Mother’s Day causes me hurt and this is why. Thank you for considering my input.” Period.
kait said:
A year later and perfectly relevant today. It is such an emotionally-charged issue asolidarityainly an interesting debate has ensued.
Amy, I thank you for sharing your pain, and giving a space for women to know they are not alone in their suffering.
I think that when we are in a place of intense personal suffering that keeps us home, away from Christ, be it shame, mourning, or what have you, I think it is at that time MOST important to be with Him. No one can suffer as Christ did for our sins, and he is always waiting for us with only love & abundant mercy.
It is this raw agony that joins us most closely with our Lord. And with any cross, we must bear our suffering knowing that everyone suffers, Christ more so than any, and that it is our duty to keep our own pain from hardening our hearts.
That is not to say that we don’t hurt, that we should “get over it”, or that it is wrong to say “hey, this hurts”. But i would caution all to reflect on every moment of life where we encounter hidden suffering. We would have nothing left if we tried to walk away from everything painful to someone.
At the end of the day, all there is is God. We can offer up our suffering in solidarity and humility for our human weakness. He has only His infinite love & mercy to give in return and that is all we need.
kait said:
A year later and perfectly relevant today. It is such an emotionally-charged issue and certainly an interesting debate has ensued.
Amy, I thank you for sharing your pain, and giving a space for women to know they are not alone in their suffering.I think that when we are in a place of intense personal suffering that keeps us home, away from Christ, be it shame, mourning, or what have you, I think it is at that time MOST important to be with Him. No one can suffer as Christ did for our sins, and he is always waiting for us with only love & abundant mercy.
It is this raw agony that joins us most closely with our Lord. And with any cross, we must bear our suffering knowing that everyone suffers, Christ more so than any, and that it is our duty to keep our own pain from hardening our hearts.
That is not to say that we don’t hurt, that we should “get over it”, or that it is wrong to say “hey, this hurts”. But i would caution all to reflect on every moment of life where we encounter hidden suffering. We would have nothing left if we tried to walk away from everything painful to someone.
At the end of the day, all there is is God. We can offer up our suffering in solidarity and humility for our human weakness. He has only His infinite love & mercy to give in return and that is all we need.
Amy said:
Thanks Kait (I love your name!) Amy
Marlyn said:
I found your essay touching and and spot-on. My first (and only) child was still-born, and I go through the same thing, not only on Mother’s Day, but when people ask if I have children.
I usually just say I have two step-children who think of me as a bonus mother, but it still hurts. BTW, I think you should have included step-mothers in your continuum.
Amy said:
Agreed — this blog isn’t active 🙂 … the updated version can be see here
Liz said:
I especially don’t like the idea that all mothers all wonderful. While all the women sitting in worship may not be mothers, they all have had some sort of mother. The idea that we all honor and thank and love our moms is something only some can do. Others are healing from a difficult childhood.
Shiann said:
Thank you for your kind handling of this. I have both stood proudly as a mentor mom while crying because of failed adoption and infertility. I am now a happy adoptive mother, but have not forgotten the many years of barely making it to the building and ducking into a dark classroom when I just couldn’t hold it together. I have been trying to write a blog post about this but you have made it unnecessary!
Laura said:
This is beautiful and so well stated. But I think Step-mothers should be included as well because they make the choice to love and care for children they did not give birth to. And many times they love them as their own and unfortunately sometimes these relationships are not easy…
Amy said:
You’re right :)!! They are on the updated version … see it at
Mike said:
You know, I am not a mom, but I am a father. I am a proud father. What are we to do here? What are we becoming? Should we change President’s Day because it reminds me of what a huge nothing I have become, which is as true as any single woman who is not a mother saying they are nothing and a waste of space or an empty shell just because they do not have children? Maybe we should change Valentine’s Day because of all of those who have no love, or whose loved one of over 50 years has left, and what a painful day that is. Maybe we should change Veteran’s Day because so many are not veterans, and what about Memorial Day, that holiday’s sole purpose is to honor the fallen soldiers, pretty great unless you’re the parent of the 19 year old fallen. Wait, I really have it this time. Let’s change birthdays. Mostly, it is only the birthday of one person in the house, who really cares. We don’t want just one person feeling special we want everyone to feel special. But wait, everyone will feel special with birthdays, it just has to fall on that day. Eventually we will get around to celebrating everyone’s birthday in the house. And eventually we will get around to celebrating everyone, yes-even non-mothers, because we have created so many holidays and “Hallmark Holidays” that we get to honor the same person several times a year. Listen, I just posted this article on my church’s page and I pray they feel the same as I do. Why, because mom’s need their special day, they have earned their special day. A veteran crawls through the mud, runs through soft sinking sand that makes you feel like your legs are about to fall off after only a few yards, s/he gets shot at, and has what seems to be an entire world gunning for him/her. The veteran has earned a special day. Moms are no different, Presidents, Dads, Grandparents, Administrative Assistanats, Nurses, Police Officers, and every other occupation, they are all no different. Child birth is nothing that this man wants to do or even critcize. I want to honor the women who do it. Children can be difficult. I know I broke my mother’s heart, several times. I have to be honest and even admit that I have missed several mother’s days. Moms and Dads are worthy of a day all to their own, where their children say thank you, OUT LOUD! That is their day, and when we look at the fact that our Savior came from an earthly woman, was rasied by a mother, and took care to make sure that one of the last things he did before dying on that cross was to assure that HIS MOTHER WAS TAKEN CARE OF, no, I am sorry, but I have to disagree here. But I have to ask, when is this self pity garbage going to stop. When are we going to stop ending things for the multitude just because a few don’t like it. If you don’t like it, you are free to do what you wish on any holiday. If you’re not a veteran and that makes you sad, don’t celebrate it. If it is not your birthday, and that makes you sad,, don’t go to someone else’s birthday barty where they are going to be singing to that person, clapping for that person and putting that person on their own cloud. But I certainly hope that MY PASTOR, asks every mother to stand, gives every mother a rose, because they have absolutely earn my respect. AMEN!!!!!
John said:
Interesting post. I believe God is able to deliver us from even ourselves, which is where this whole ordeal lies. Why would you single out mothers and not fathers? I’m not offended; just curious as to why you chose to do exactly what you are seeking to end.
Additionally, I don’t see much sense in putting any more on our leaders than they already have to bear. Now they have to worry about something ELSE that might offend me?
Whenever fathers were asked to stand, before I became a biological father, it never bothered me. I was myself was honored, by honoring them.
One year, I decided, to also stand. Some people who knew me asked about it and I gave several different reasons: “I’m standing in faith, believing that one day I would be a father.” or “I know that I have been an example of what it is to live a godly life as a man to another young man.” That’s what fathers are supposed to do.
Why can’t we honor mothers and fathers? Why can’t we have them stand. If you feel you’re among the honored then stand; if not, honor those who are.
That’s godly character; giving honor where honor is due.
Amy said:
John, we’re on the same page! We both believe in honoring mothers and fathers.
buckeyesRus said:
As a pastor, I guess we can’t have veterans stand on veterans because of all the men who sit there because they are not veterans . . . I guess we can’t have the teen missions group that is going overseas stand for prayer and commissioning because not everyone is going. I guess we can’t have the fathers stand on father’s day because not everyone can stand. I guess we can’t have those who ask for prayer or want Christ stand up for Him because many already have. We need to ask ourselves who church is for . . . then we need to ask who started Mother’s Day and why. It was started after the civil war in WVA because so many mothers had lost their sons in the fighting. It was started to honor them. It was almost a memorial day for mothers! Everyone had a mother! Maybe those women who are not mother yet should concentrate on showing gratitude to their mothers! But I guess we can’t because someone didn’t grow up with a mother and we might offend them. When does it all end that we have become so self-absorbed that we can’t celebrate someone else?
Amy said:
Buckeye Rus — I think you kind of missed the point :). Celebrate, yes! But celebrate in some mildly different ways!
naprogirl said:
Last year, our pastor specifically mentioned that women who have had miscarriages should stand, so I did even though that was something still very private for us and I have no other children. I started crying throughout the blessing and felt like a complete fool and wished I hadn’t stood at all – it’s just that I would have felt that I was denying the baby I lost its life and existence if I hadn’t stood. This year, I’m only a few weeks pregnant and I’m not ready for anybody to know it. I am a professional singer and I attend several churches every weekend. I guess I won’t know how to handle each situation until it arises. I loved your italicized statements. As a Catholic who has a love for and belief in the universal body of Christ, I would add, “For the mothers we have loved and lost, we pray for your eternal happiness.”
Amy said:
Good suggestion! And thanks for sharing a bit of your story — I think it highlights the unintended awkwardness. May the new life in your continue to grow! Amy
Penny said:
Mother’s Day hasn’t been as emphasized in our family for the last nine years. My oldest (step) brother died that morning at 41. Imagine getting that phone on mother’s day morn. ;( Then four years later his younger brother (also at 41) passed away unexpectedly in his sleep. Watching my stepmother bury both of her children in 4.5 years…. Well, it hasn’t been easy for any of us. Finding a card that honors her and recognizes her as a mother AND that is not over the top with the “happy” factor is torture. But I can not simply ignore her on that day. She deserves to be recognized and acknowledged as a mom. And she needs to know her sons are not forgotten. How much she meant to them and how much they meant to all of us~ that didn’t end with their deaths. Mother’s Day is not going away, but I hope a lot more people will be more sensitive to those that have lost or never had children and those that have lost their mother. It’s a day of grieving for them. 😦 Thanks for this post.
Amy said:
Wow, that is a lot of loss!
Rachel said:
This is a heartfelt well written article. I think my opinion though is that we cannot cease to honor simply because someone may be hurting. There are those who have lost a spouse but we sit through the messages on marriage, the marriage retreat and the “raise your hand if you’ve been married so many years”. There are others who have lost a job and sit through the testimony of prosperity. Others who have lost a child to cancer and sit through the testimony of healing. I think in all of this we need to continue to greatly honor but also realize that some in the audience are hurting in these very areas. I don’t think we need to be less honoring but probably more compassionate and caring. If the woman who desperately wants children feels loved and cared for by the body at her church she will be celebrating the moms along with the others. If she feel alienated and alone, she will be in too much pain to attend church on Mother’s Day. The same goes for children who have lost a parent. I’m dreading Father’s Day this year as it is the first Father’s Day where my children will have to sit through a church service without their daddy to honor. There’s so many faucets to this and I would hate to see us stop honoring but would love to see us surround those who are hurting with an abundance of love and care. Just this widows two cents worth…..
Amy said:
Rachel … we are after the same thing: honoring moms. I’m just advocating for ways that “do no harm” (or at least minimize it :))
Renee in RO, TX said:
Our former pastor honored all women 18 years old and above. Every Mother’s Day I thought that this was the best way to handle the holiday. He knew that there were women in every situation in the congregation, and this put us all in an equal standing.
Debra G said:
On the other side of the coin, motherhood should be celebrated. That is what Mother’s Day is all about, after all. For the past two years, our pastor has told all women in the congregation to stand because all women are mothers in some way. I felt that cheapens my position. Unless, you are a mother, you can never understand the sacrifice that a mother goes through, whether they birthed a child, adopted, foster or even miscarried. I consider all of those ladies to be mothers. I never felt left out on Mother’s Day before I had children. It just wasn’t my day. Mother’s Day is to celebrate mothers. Celebrate your own mother.
Amy said:
Debra, we’re singing the same song!
Marlys said:
It’s so encouraging to see this subject dealt with as you have. May many many people read and pass this on.. Personally I’m one of those who, along with most of my acquaintances, had children without any problems at all, so that it seemed so natural and normal. But over the years had a growing sense of concern over the hurtul-to-the-non-mother ways motherhood has been honored in churches. Recently a lady told of being in a church where the pastor had mothers stand, but he openly excluded non-birth mothers!!! the lady next to her was highly offended but this lady told her, I’M a MOTHER and I’m going to stand! In recent years deaconesses of our small country church have chosen to send a donation to the local pregnancy resource center instead of putting women on the spot in church. Regardless, I can’t see Mother’s Day as a Biblical idea and the worship service is to worship the One who is to be worshiped.
Angela said:
As a non-mother and a woman in a wheelchair(who wouldn’t be able to stand, even if I was a mother), I doubly hate when they ask that. Thanks for this post.
Nancy Nathanson said:
When I was young I always dreamed of having 7 to 10 kids!!!! That was my dream. I love everything about kids. This year I will be 52, on my second marriage (13 years) to a wonderful man and I have no children. This bothered me for a long time but God has blessed me with 13 Nieces & Nephews and 11 Great Nieces & Nephews. I love them as my own and couldn’t ask for more. Physically, I never had children but in my heart, I have a whole bouquet!
Mary Anne said:
For many years, Mother’s Day was an open wound… a searing slash of pain in my heart that I hated and despised. I was the only one of my young friends who bought a white carnation, which symbolized my mother was deceased. When I went to buy one after Mass each year, the seller would invariably tell me I was buying the incorrect color and “You want the red one, dear!” only for me to have to tell them I knew the difference and I was asking for the right color and see the look of pity on their face. Not many 14-year-olds read Emily Post to know how to handle this situation!
When I was planning my wedding, my missing and needing my mother became more acute and my wedding was the week before Mother’s Day so I could be in another country for that weekend and not focus on the “celebration” for one year. It still didn’t work.
Once I had children, I would look at my own children and see how much my mother was missing and how much my children were missing out on having her in their lives. It was only after two things happened that I began to focus on Mother’s Day as MY celebration of being a mother: My father remarried (and thus my children finally had a step-grand-mother) and I divorced my first husband (and his mother who never liked me) and married a man whose mother had only sons and longed for a daughter and I fulfilled a need in her and she fulfilled that need for me.
I had two more children with my second husband and my Mother’s Days now rarely hold grief. I have Grandmothers for my children that they love and I have a mother-in-law I adore. I’m able to focus on the fact I have four children (well, two adults and two teenagers now!) and this year, for the first time, a grandchild of my own to love and spoil. I still miss my mom, but it isn’t that raw angry wound anymore, but rather a dull ache that twinges when you really concentrate on it. I feel my mom around me when I use her cookbook or mixing bowl in the kitchen, see her vanity set on my dresser, or smell someone wearing her favorite perfume. I choose to focus on the feelings of love I felt when I had her rather than the loss I felt when she left this world. I know now my children are the ones who are missing out on her love, affection, and wisdom because she can see them from where she is. It’s also taken 34 years and lots of therapy for me to get to this place…
I would say that your prayer needs to included Dads doing the works of moms because at the time my mom died, my father had three teenagers at home and no idea how to raise us – he asked the 5 married kids advice all the time “what did your mom do when_________” Nine months after my mom died, my sister got married and my brother went off to college so it was just me at home alone, so I was his full focus – as were my dates!! Those poor guys! I know I have several friends who need that prayer on Father’s Day because they’re either single moms or widows (or married moms whose husbands are invariably deployed overseas on Father’s Day) and they do *everything* for everyone all year. We need to remember them as well.
Other than that, Amy, your words are well-written and I know touch the hearts of so many other women I know. I only hope that many ministers, pastors, and priests will take heed and remember them when this weekend’s “celebration” comes to pass.
God Bless You!!
Amy said:
Mary Anne, this is eloquent. Thank you for sharing! Amy
Pingback: Reblog: An Open Regarding Mother’s Day | smalltownjules
Marilyn Cole said:
I am a mother, but could not agree with you more. Last year was my first year without my mother and it was like rubbing salt into the wound. I know numerous women who have struggled with infertility and it must be awful to want something so badly and not be able to have it. Some of the couples that I know wating to have children would make the best parents. If we all love our mothers and fathers we can show our love and appreciation to them in many ways each day throughout the year. I think it is a way for the merchants and flower shops to prosper.
I love my children (they are adults now) dearly, but I prefer that they do not buy me anything on Mother’s Day, or any other holiday. I just love hearing I love you, or thank you, Mom throughout the year.
Thank you for making all of us aware of how others feel. I am sure people aren’t cruel on purpose, but they can be by trying to have something to say to others. Thirty years ago I lost a child and will never get over people saying, “Oh, well, at least you have other children, or you can always have more children.” People just don’t realize how ignorant and hurtful their comments can be regardless of the situation.
Thank you for reminding all of to be sensitive to others.
Marilyn
Amy said:
I agree! I don’t think people are trying to be cruel on purpose 🙂
Pattie Hoogestraat said:
Though I am a mother of two grown children, I can totally relate. I remember clearly being told, after years of tests and surgery, that I wouldn’t be able to bear children. For unknown reasons, I was later able to give birth to two babies. That part of my life aside, I clearly remember the times when it seemed everyone in the world was pregnant except me. I agree that going to church on Mother’s Day was like rubbing salt into what for me was still a gaping wound. Thank you for your compassionate words that speak articulately on behalf of those who would shy away from asking their pastor to consider the non-moms in their congregation.
Laney Harris said:
As a bereaved parent, Mother’s Day is incredibly painful. Even though I have living children, church has always felt exploitive on that day. My hunch is that bereaved fathers have a similar reaction on Father’s Day.
Amy said:
Mine too … I also wrote a letter for Father’s day. 🙂
Reba Wilson said:
may I read the letter at a gathering? ty
Amy said:
Yes! Please … there is a downloadable verision here: The Messy Middle Resources
Tracy said:
I choose to not be a mother, and I still despise the “holiday” with a passion, and as important as my church is I do not go.
carterarchitecture said:
My wife has often said some of these same things.Your excellent article touches the realities and raw emotions many women experience at church services on Mothers Day.
Debbie Kay Smith said:
I love this article. In my experience I wasn’t married until I was 49 and could no longer have babies. As much as I would like too, it isn’t possible for me physically or finanially. This aritcle was very sensitive to use who would love to have a child of her own. Thank you!!!
givethanks2getjoy said:
As a mother of one, who has lost three children to miscarriage, I actually disagree with most of the sentiments of those who feel left out, hurt, and can’t bring themselves to church that day. There is something a bit egocentric about all of this. Every sermon, every Sunday, and every Bible verse does not have to relate directly to YOU. And sometimes, pain is part of life.
Mothers deserve recognition. As a group, mothers are women whose sacrifices are often are overlooked. Every single person commenting on this post had a mother. Why don’t you think about your own mother, on Mother’s Day, instead of only thinking of yourself? Many, many, many of our mothers are deserving of our special honor, recognition, and gratitude.
Please hear me. I KNOW the feeling of inadequacy, of sorrow, etc. related to infertility. But this sort of strikes me as the “we can’t have fun playgrounds anymore” type of complaint, because someone is going to get hurt. Everything has to be bumper padded. Everyone has to be included because God-forbid someone has their feelings hurt or experiences pain.
If we are honest with ourselves, many of the hurt feelings we experience on Mothers Day, or when we see a pregnant woman, originate internally – not externally from some Mother’s Day Service. They originate from things like jealousy of other women – women who are our coworkers, sisters, and friends – who have been blessed with children in a way we may not have been. From our own feelings of inadequacy. From the devil and from sin.
No mother who truly loves the Lord is looking down upon another woman, or seeing her as “less-than” because she has experienced infertility, loss, or doesn’t have children for whatever reason. No mother sees you as “dehumanized, gutted as a woman” or as an “empty shall”. Mothers are not recognized on Mother’s Day because they are “real women” or because they have achieved some kind of Christian womanhood nirvana. We mothers who are standing are the same women and friends who weep with you because you are not a mother, yet, or because your children have run away or not “turned out”. We embrace you in those struggles, whatever they may be. We lift you up in your joys. And we would only ask the same from you. And if that means that we mothers can’t have a gosh darn rose and breakfast in bed one Sunday out of the whole year, I weep for the future.
Let’s be women who lift other women up. And that includes lifting up mothers on Mother’s Day.
Amy said:
I think we’re singing the same song!
Ashley said:
You can also add to the list: “those that want to have children someday, but are still single, wondering if they’ll get to be mothers.”
Amy said:
It is added at messymiddle.com (not here at the wordpress version). The Messy Middle
Not-So-Fertile Girl said:
Thank you for writing this. I found it through a share on Facebook and plan to share it myself. The pain of mother’s day for those who struggle is something so many people are unaware of.
Last Girl Standing said:
This is great, it is. But even you have excluded those of is who wanted children but never had the opportunity not because of infertility or miscarriage but simply because we have never found someone to have them with. There is nothing more lonely and heartbreaking than that… Being alone. Truly alone.
Aaron Jackson said:
I understand and I feel the same way. I too noticed that it was missing as well. Amy has updated her post, and her acknowledgement now includes those who are single. It appears here http://www.messymiddle.com/2012/05/10/an-open-letter-to-pastors-a-non-mom-speaks-about-mothers-day/
God keep you safe.
Amy said:
Thanks Aaron, I having troubles keeping up with all of these! I appreciate your help!
Sephanie said:
Very well said, Amy. Thank you. My heart also goes out to those whose dreams to be a wife and mother were never fulfilled and for those who grew up without mothers. We so need to be sensitive to those around us. Thank you, again.
Stephanie said:
Two years ago the pastor at our church turned the Mother’s day celebration into a Woman’s Celebration.We all recieved a flower.He did this because he and his wife went through infertility and knew the feelings. That was the first time in years that I didn’t leave in tears.
Wendy Galloway said:
There are so many powerful comments here and I too have seen the pain that this day can cause. I am a minister serving a new congregation and it was a relief to sit down with my worship committee and hear that they resonate with everything that has been said here. They want the day to reflect the ‘mothering’ aspects of both genders – that this is a gift that we all could offer one another. With the wisdom offered here, this day could be an rich opportunity to help us become even more sensitive to one another. Thank you for sharing.
Jaime said:
This is amazing. I hope it is ok for me to use this Mother’s Day. As a pastor I agonize over how to handle this each year, and this is perfect. Thank you!
Amy said:
Yes please … and please go to the Messy Middle (messymiddle.com) resource page for an updated version of the prayer/poem.
Heather said:
Just wanted to let you know that this touched my heart! Thank you!
Christen said:
As a person who has felt that bitterness and shame on Mother’s Day, thank you for this post.
clbarker said:
I am a mother that is also sensitive to those hurting on Mother’s Day and throughout the year, whether it be from struggles with infertility or difficulties in a current parenting relationship. I love all of your different points! Another category I continue to see while working in pre-school on Sundays in grandmothers/grandfathers stepping in to parent again when a grandchild needs them. They are such heroes to me! Another point I want to make is that one of my favorite women in the world is a mother, grandmother and great-grandmother who never gave birth to a child of her own. She is my grandmother! My mom’s parents died in her 20s. Her mother died when she was only 21. Mrs. Alice and Mr. Bill loved her and treated her as their own. They loved us and took care of us as children, and we visited them as you would any grandparent. I’m looking forward to another visit soon, though dementia has stolen her memory of me. She still remembers my mother, though. Their relationship was as deep as a mother who had given birth to her daughter – and just as beautiful. Women have so much to give to this world – all of us!
Kelly said:
I would rather have all the mothers stand than endure this poem. It’s nice, and true, but the pain that it rises to the top in bringing up painful situations is more a.w.k.w.a.r.d. than the brief moment of not standing. Our pastor is always good to mention infertility and miscarriage and the pain of it, but not dwell on it since it is always painfully just beneath the surface. I can’t imagine I would be much more comfortable in any of the other situations mentioned in the poem, except maybe the pregnant one. I don’t go to church to be comfortable, but I also don’t go to feel worse about something that is so out of my control and about something that I can’t change about myself to make my life more honoring to God.
Susan Brown said:
Wonderful and so well said! I was 38 before having my first child and AWKWARD definitely describes the feeling you get when sitting in that pew with your High school friends and family all standing around you. I am blessed now with two beautiful daughters and never take for granted their presence in my life. I feel a special bond with all the women who have tried or simply have chosen another path. Being a loving nurturing woman extends to many women in this world regardless of the way they are able to “mother”. 🙂 Blessings to you!
Tracy Michelle Hargett said:
To Amy, the writer: Do you have nieces or nephews? Do you have cousins with children? If so and you babysit for these folks then you play the important role of respite provider. I think that’s something to be proud of.
Amy said:
Indeed. Very proud aunt 🙂 … almost to the obnoxious point.
KTS said:
This is lovely, however there is one mother who has been forgotten. Always forgotten. The birth mother. My precious third child found herself pregnant, after a very low period in her life. She looked closely at all options for the loved little one she carried. It was out of the greatest love I’ve seen from another human that my daughter chose adoption. A mother and father who wanted a child more than their next breath. A gift to both her child, and the parents to be. My grandson will be one year old on the 27th of this month. My daughter loves him as a mother loves her child. It’s been a long hard year, with many to follow. I will be celebrating her on Mother’s Day.
Amy said:
She was forgotten on the first post (for which I truly regret) but you’ll find her here: http://www.messymiddle.com/2012/05/10/an-open-letter-to-pastors-a-non-mom-speaks-about-mothers-day/
Tammy said:
My daughter and I always acknowledge her birth mom on Mother’s Day!!
Clare said:
I am so with you! This is how I used to feel, but thankfully no longer have to. I still feel that churches can be more inclusive and sensitive though, so this poem is great. We can still celebrate Motherhood (because it’s so wonderful!) but without making non-mums feel less valued.
Bob – it’s not that we resent Mothers Day or are defensive about it, but you clearly don’t understand the deep grieving that infertile women go through. It’s incredibly hard to watch so many people around you enjoying motherhood and feeling happy for them but left out, empty, disappointed, angry with God, impatient etc etc. This us all highlighted on Mothers Day and I thought the article explained the pain really well!
Janis@Open My Ears Lord said:
Amy, I found my way here through a winding path from the Facebook link of a friend. It’s sort of resembles the way I finally found motherhood. And it painfully reminds of the pathway leading away from that honored position. I’m on the verge of becoming an empty nester–for all intents and purposes, I am one. One son has followed a path that makes my heart ache and I hardly ever hear from him as he stands on the brink of what he imagines to be a new step in his life. The other son still lives at home, but this is more of a place for him to flop until he has enough money to make it on his own. Sterile relationships that once bloomed with warmth and hope.
As I face this Mother’s Day, I am filled with more fear, grief, and pain than ever before on a Mother’s Day. Your words graciously place a healing balm and a joy on all of us who have walked the path of some type of motherhood during our lives. I hope that every pastor sees your gracious words and avoids the standing–PLEASE!! May they find a way to honor yet not humiliate the women in their congregation.
God bless you!!
Janis
Amy said:
Janis, so glad you found your way here, whatever the path! I’m praying for you as this sounds like it will be a tougher years than others have been. Thanks for reminding us of this side of mothering as well!
mamaszrama said:
I’m all for sensitivity, but it does take some serious self-focusedness to only think about yourself on Mother’s Day… a day when you should be honoring YOUR mother, and those who have mothered you!
Also, a great time to remind all women that they should be after spiritual children as well as physical. Let’s honor mothers of the faith!
B said:
Beautifully written. The poem in the middle is especially touching as every woman I know will find themselves there somewhere. I can identify with several places on the continuum myself.
The only one I would add…is a nod to the moms of special needs kids. As with every other place in the continuum of motherhood, sometimes the going is hard and the path is lonely. We struggle for “normal” and celebrate even the smallest victories. We are forced to consider things that many parents are blessed to take for granted. We are not “superwomen”, just moms who are trying to do the best we can with what God has given.
Amy said:
B …. yes, yes, yes! Sorry it wasn’t included.
B said:
Just being acknowledged is appreciated. Again…beautifully written post. Clearly you’ve touched a nerve, but in a most gracious way.
dpierce said:
I so relate to this, I have skipped Mother’s Day at church before and was considering it again, so painful at various times.
I had one other complaint years ago, at church that when communion they would say everyone get together with your family, spouse and kids, pray, take communion together…what,?, what about those who are single with no family there, so inconsiderate. Sometimes same at Christmas.
In both the above I was hurt, but made me think maybe I was too self absorbed as well. Maybe I was too selfish maybe not…so I had to look at it and determine if I needed forgiveness for selfishness or if I needed healing. I agree more consideration should be made but I have to remember the world does not revolve around me. Either way, selfish or hurt, healing takes time, I have to pray and rely on God/Holy Spirit to help me, to press on. I do not want to be bound by pain, or hurt but to continue on move through it, learn from it. I need to rejoice that God has blessed those Mothers with children, cheer them on…as God is the director my life as he is theirs.
I know we can not dance around everything, certainly we should be considerate and think of others..but there will always be times we will be in situations that are tough, where people just don’t think about what they are saying…let’s be humble enough to forgive, and IF necessary bold enough to mention in love maybe a suggestion for a new approach in how the situation (ie: mothers day) should be presented.
JanetMSD said:
This is excellent, Amy, As a pastor I try to make the day about us honoring our mothers, including all those who have and still do mother us. Our family was once a part of a rural congregation that created a huge flower arrangement. Everyone was invited to bring a flower to church (flowers were also there for those who forgot or had none growing in their yard) in honor of those who mothered them. While music played we would bring our flowers forward while a retired florist and her daughter-in-law arranged them quickly in a very large vase. It was always a special part of the worship. Pastor ended with a prayer of thanksgiving for all those who loved and nurtured us.
Ivy said:
Love this. Mother’s Day has always been a touchy subject. More so over the past 4 years!! We were pregnant with our first 4 years ago and lost him no more than a month later… So Father’s Day was rough. Every year after that its always been a struggle going anywhere because its hard after a loss being recognized as a mother. It didn’t help that the last 3 years we’ve struggled with infertility, and more recently miscarried our second in October. She would have been born in July. We didn’t know the sex, but call baby Charlie a ‘she’ anyway… Thank you, this brought tears to my eyes!!
Amy said:
Ivy — so, so sorry to hear of the up’s and down’s you’ve had in recent years. I imagine Charlie will be fresh on your mind and heart this week, as she should be. with love, Amy
Alaina said:
Amy-
Thank you for your comments, I am a new mom and recently lost a baby in January and now am expecting again… so I can appreciate the spectrum of greif and joy that comes with being a mother, and I remember feeling left out when I was single on Mother’s Day. I think the point that you are trying to make is that we need to remember and be thankful for our mother’s but also do not forget your sister sitting next to you, remember when you are recognized that someone next to you may need your touch next.
Amy said:
Yes, Alaina, that’s it :)!
Bindy Snyder said:
I’m a priest and so my parishioners (and my blood children, and honorary children) remember me on “Father’s” day. I plan to preach on Mary, our Mother and Mother of God, this Sunday.
Tammy said:
I have read through the comments here. I have to say that I don’t think most people got the point of your article, Amy!
Amy never said to do away with Mother’s Day, to stop celebrating Mother’s Day, to ignore Mother’s Day. The point is AT CHURCH, not to have the mothers stand to be recognized — leaving those who are not mothers sitting. I have also experienced infertility (but now have a beautiful, wonderful adopted daughter), so I know how awkward it is to have what seems like every other woman stand, while I’m sitting alone at church.
Amy even made numerous suggestions of ways to celebrate and acknowledge mothers without the standing issue. That was the point of the article — don’t ask all the mothers to stand up. I do not see how anyone got the idea that Amy wants to basically do away with Mother’s Day.
Please celebrate and acknowledge moms on Mother’s Day, but it does NOT have to be done in church by standing. Our pastor will acknowledge that it’s Mother’s Day and say something in acknowledgement and celebration of mothers (without making anyone stand). Then all women, young and old, are given a flower as exiting.
I know many women who will not go to church on Mother’s Day because of the practice of having all mothers stand. To some it may seem a petty excuse, but until you have experienced it, do not judge. It is hurtful, painful, depressing. The services I have attended on Mother’s Day where mothers are celebrated and praised (but remain seated) have been the best services, even when I was struggling with infertility.
Amy, I agree with you 100%. Let’s celebrate moms, let’s acknowledge them, let’s congratulate them, let’s praise them — just don’t make them stand up in church. Anything a pastor wants to say can be done with all mothers sitting.
Amy said:
You got what I was intending to say. Thank you. 🙂 Amy
The Donald said:
This is the most amazing thing I’ve read about mothers and about mother’s day. Thank you for publishing this. I’m a proud papa of 6 (two made it to heaven before me), and a fervent supporter of honoring motherhood, but this is a direction I’d honestly never considered before. I am stunned and very much humbled.
I hope you won’t mind my reprinting this, with proper attributions and links of course.
And again, thank you for opening my eyes!
Amy said:
Please do!
Annette Morrison said:
So beautiful its so true . We acknowledge Mothers but have no thought for that woman who’s hurting . Bereft. In pain who may be sitting justnext to us . It really made me sad at how thoughtless we can be . I’m with you . Just don’t ask anyone to stand .and acknowledge all woman
Sandi said:
Personally I like being appreciated once a year for one moment in time and I like feeling that I’m actually accomplishing something in life. So from someone who is only a mom, I do not agree with your opinion fully.
Amy said:
“Only?” I don’t think so!!
Dena said:
Thank you so much for your post. I am a Children’s Director for a non-profit and have 70+ youth that I work with, most who come from single parent households. I spend countless hours helping them with their homework, fixing them meals, playing with them, listening to their stories, and giving them advice. Every year different ones acknowledge me on Mother’s Day, and a lot of the time so do their parents. Some have even attended church services with me on the day of, and they have been left frustrated that the church will not recognize those who are the “mothers to the motherless”.
Thank you again for your words, it’s nice to know their are like-minded people out there, unafraid to speak the truth in love.
Daisy said:
Oh get over it! How about we not have Mothers Day at all? After all it’s just nothing but a commercialised beat up designed to prise the almighty dollar from our purses. Besides, shouldn’t EVERY day be “Mothers Day”?
Ashley Copas said:
As a mom who received her child through the cruel world of infertility treatments nearly six years and have spent the last five years trying to expand our family again, I’ve also avoided the church on Mother’s Day. Even with one child, I still feel like less of a woman as each year passes with empty arms and an empty womb. Each year serves as a reminder tha I’m defective, broken, unworthy, and a failure as a woman and wife.
Thank you for the wonderful post, I would hope that it reaches someone who needs the understanding that the women of the church should be celebrated.
Amy said:
Me too!
Ann Marie Sutherland said:
I agree. I love myself too much as a woman who could never have children to go to church on Mother’s day. I might as well stick a fork in my eye. I will do something lovely with my husband and my dog….. to enjoy the day.
Karen Adams said:
One Mother’s Day, the pastor asked everyone who ever had a mother to stand. It was great because it definitely recognized everyone!
Mindy said:
While I really love this post, and your heart behind it–I feel like you forgot adoptive moms, which as an adoptive mom makes a difference. I know you mentioned failed adoptions…but I am not a foster mom, spiritual mom or mentor. And adoption wasn’t something as a result of infertility, but a real choice, AND a call from God. I don’t want to be over-sensitive, and really I’m not most of the time, but I feel that adoptive moms need a shout-out because it’s a really awesome thing, and we need more domestic and international adoptive moms!!
Amy said:
Please see the letter at http://www.messymiddle.com/2012/05/10/an-open-letter-to-pastors-a-non-mom-speaks-about-mothers-day/ … it’s on the updated blog 🙂
Linda said:
I so get this, Amy. I was abused in every way by both my parents (now deceased). It used to be hard for me to select a Mother’s Day card for my mother because they were just too gushy and sentimental. I tried everything to please her and always fell short. So much more could be said, but I’ll leave it at that. I won’t have a problem going to church this Mother’s Day because our pastor(s) don’t make much of the holiday but they do make much of the Word as they continue with the series they were on.
Amy said:
Linda … I am sorry to hear that you were abused at the very hands of those who should have protected you.
Jennifer said:
But you are a mother. This is a great speech on this very subject given by an amazing women who hasn’t had the opportunity to bear children
http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2001/10/are-we-not-all-mothers?lang=eng
Gwen said:
Don’t forget those who are wonderful step-mothers!
Amy said:
You’re right! They are mentioned in the updated version: http://www.messymiddle.com/2012/05/10/an-open-letter-to-pastors-a-non-mom-speaks-about-mothers-day/
Rachael said:
Good for you.
Elizabeth in MI said:
Reblogged this on lazyhippiemama and commented:
I thought this was so power and so beautiful!
Grandma's Old Wooden Recipe Box said:
Thank you for your words- they are so true! I was single right into my 40’s and would add Valentines Day to special days that the church needs to be sensitive to in how they celebrate/acknowledge it.
Amy said:
I wrote about Valentines Day too 🙂
Janet said:
I think your letter was perfect. As a mother of 4 I don’t need to stand up for everyone to see. It won’t make me feel more honored. As my niece and many other women struggle with infertility I am well aware that I did nothing to deserve the ability to have my children more than those who are struggling. We wouldn’t say let everyone who is unemployed stand up so we can pray for you even though these people desperately need our prayers. It all goes back to love Gods highest commandment. Would this make all women feel more loved or not because if it doesn’t then I think we are missing the point. I love your poem let’s sit down and thank all mother’s whether we are one or have/had one.
Nancy M. Snider said:
You said it so well!! Thanks for putting so many women’s thoughts into words. remember so well (and it has been nearly 30 years ago) on a Mother’s Day that a lady in the church turned to me and another younger lady who wanted to have a baby so badly, and saying, “Some day you two will figure out how to do this!” The hurt was so deep that neither of us could hardly stay in our seats, but by God’s grace and love, we were able to not make the angry retorts that came to our minds. I have never had children of my own, but as a missionary for 15 years, my husband and I have had the privilege of mentoring and “parenting” many students in a Bible College in a former communist country. Yes, at times the ache is still there because we don’t have “our own” children, but we have been blessed by many other people’s children and I trust e have been a blessing to them as well.
Amy said:
Nancy, as one who lives overseas, I too have had the privilege of mentoring (and in ways) parenting … it is a blessing, isn’t it (and there are real costs too :)).
MARY said:
Hello. I am a mother of 3 children; a son who died in a car accident in his mid 20’s and two daughters who are now aged 22 and 27 (this one was just married). While I understand the intent of what you have written I ask you to understand the flipside of this phenomenon we call motherhood. I have 2 sisters. We are all in our 50’s. My 2 sisters never gave birth to or raised children. The sad part is that they are getting together with my stepmother for Mother’s Day but have not invited me for the past decade nor have they invited me for Thanksgiving or Christmas dinners. Mom and my sisters live a 2 hour drive from here. We cannot afford a car, my husband is blind and travel is somewhat difficult for both these reasons. Both my sisters own cars. Over the past decade since my husband’s accident that caused his disability they have given me a total of 2 rides, one to my father’s funeral 9 years ago and another to our stepmom’s 80th birthday party which they told me initially I wasn’t allowed to help plan or execute but I brought along some musicians anyway. I talk to my stepmom every day by phone to stay in touch. My point is that my sisters feel SO UNCOMFORTABLE WITH MY MOTHERHOOD that they find it difficult to even send me a Mother’s Day card. Well that’s okay. On Sunday I will go to my mother’s grave by bus with my husband and daughters. We will go out to lunch to celebrate the REAL sacrifices that motherhood means and how a mother’s love is greater than any other kind of love on earth. I asked my one sister who still speaks to me once in a while to come visit my mother’s grave here in my town this Spring. She has been saying for several months that she is coming but still hasn’t come up with a date yet. My older sister never speaks to me, will not include me on her facebook page but includes my daughters as “friends”. THIS IS SAD when people can’t give simple CREDIT WHERE CREDIT IS DUE. Motherhood is a tough road and if you have not walked that road you shouldn’t pretend you have. Think of it as someone donning a I AM A VET hat when they never served a day in the military. Yes all women deserve credit for their accomplishments. Yes all women should have high self-esteem but lets not get this twisted…there really is a SPECIAL PLACE in this world for MOTHERS ONLY. Let’s feel comfortable with that…for once…PLEASE. Thank you, MMF
Amy said:
Mary, sounds like your family’s been through a lot! And you’re right, motherhood IS a tough road.
Carrie said:
I’m confused- why would you expect your sisters to send you a Mother’s Day card? To me, Mother’s Day is to honor your mother, not honor everyone you know who is a mom.
Mary said:
Hi Carrie. Just before I came home my neighbor walked up to me, gave me a hug and said, “Happy Mother’s Day.” She is not my child, my sister or my brother or even my husband. May I ask you if you would wish me Happy Mother’s Day even though I am not your mother or salute a veteran who has made personal sacrifices for your freedom on Veterans’ Day? Just askin’…hope that helps you to understand my point a little more…thanks for taking time to consider my initial comment as well as providing a response. Peace, Mary.
s
Sally said:
As someone who never got the chance to have children (married at 50) I have always been a bit uncomfortable with all the “hoo-rah” over Mother’s Day – feeling inadequate. This year is especially difficult because I lost my mom in September – I am avoiding church because I don’t think I can maintain dignity during the honoring of mothers. The mothers in my church are awesome women, mothers, wives, friends and they deserve the recognition – I just don’t think I can be there this year, unfortunately.
Nancy said:
I’ve kinda been amazed at some of the comments on here. I totally understand Amy about the “standing” thing. I don’t need that either. But some of the comments I have read have been all about “me”. I am a mother of 4, but on Mother’s Day, I think about MY mother! We all have mothers and we can choose to celebrate them or not. But instead of thinking about whether WE are a mother or not, the focus should be on OUR mother, not ourselves.
Barbara Fin said:
If you have nephews and nieces (even “honorary” ones through friends of yours ) you are a “mom”…if you have stepped in to help out a mom when she “just cant take any more” you are a “mom”…moms come in many shapes and styles…you don’t have to bear children, you just have to love being around them and helping them and honestly love them…I have four moms myself…my birth mom, my adoptive mom, and her best friend (who I went to when I just couldn’t tell my mom about my problems because I thought she wouldn’t understand) and my husbands mom…I wouldn’t be the well rounded person I am today without all four of them…so don’t sell yourself short you are a mom to someone…just not in the “I brought you into this world” way… ❤
Yvonne Donaldson said:
I have tears in my eyes, fighting the urge to all out cry. I, too, have skipped some Mother’s Day services or at least wanted to. I’m sure there are men out there who feel the same way on Father’s Day. I do understand that I “mother” the children in my life in some way but it’s not the same.
Kris Schulenburg said:
My wife is and has been a great mom to our 3 adult daughters, she also had a great mom who was always celebrated. But my wife has ALWAYS felt awkward and sympathetic to other women on this day for all the reason’s posted in this article… great article, thanks for saying it!
Kendahl Brewer said:
Thanks you for sharing that Amy. My pastor realizes this and includes all the women on “Mother’s Day” and does the same on “Father’s Day”. He and his wife went through the infertility and finally adopted. She then became pregnant but just once. He knows first-hand the painful reminder those days can be so he includes everyone including me. As a man we have feelings a lot of times like this too but are too proud to admit it. Once again I say thank you.
MBS said:
Reading through the first several sentences I was forming my argument. By the end, I had no argument. A beautiful idea that I hope is widely embraced.
Amy said:
MBS, that’s high praise. Thanks. Amy
Mark said:
I hate to be a stick in the mud, but I’m trying to remember where in the scripture (which is supposed to form our worship) the celebration of earthly holidays is endorsed for corporate worship. If worship was really corporate and holidays were relegated to family/personal affairs (and not the other way around), this would never be an issue. I’m also tired of holidays being an excuse for preachers to preach something other than Christ crucified. Even Christmas is abused this way.
Amy said:
Mark, I don’t think you’re a stick in the mud!
John said:
Wonderful. I’ll ask for this to be read at church this year. Beautifully written and thought out.
The Rev Sherrill Page said:
thank you, Amy, for your thoughtful words which resonate so deeply with me. my first year out of seminary when I was serving as an assistant in a small parish (20+ years ago), I was scheduled to preach on the Sunday which was Mother’s Day. the rector told me he expected me to preach about mothers. I told him I had no intention in doing so because I didn’t think the church had much to say about a Hallmark holiday rather than a liturgical holy-day. I continued to remind him that for many people – women and men, it was not a particularly joyous day because of the various situations you & others posting here have mentioned – infertility, runaway children, deceased children & parents, etc. I told him that I didn’t believe the church should be a source of additional pain for anyone already struggling. he was surprised & a bit taken aback. however 2 years later when I was serving in another parish, I saw him at a clergy gathering in early June. he told me he finally understand what I had been trying to explain to him. early that year his mother had died & when Mother’s Day came around he remembered what I had said. he had the grace to thank me for helping to open his eyes about the unintentional pain he had caused others.
as a priest, wife, mother & grandmother, daughter of a mother who died at the age of 51, I am thankful for the wide variety of people who have & continue to enrich my life. as God’s people I believe that we are called to value each & every person for the unique gifts & abilities each of us possess. as faith communities we should seek to find more ways to invite & truly welcome everyone just as she or he is & try our hardest not to make anyone’s life any harder than it already is.
thank you again for sharing your excellent reflection. sorry this got so long
Amy said:
Rev Sherrill, no apologies needed for length! We love hearing about other’s journeys — you’ve been advocating for a long time and I appreciate it! Amy
Pamela Gilliam said:
I wholeheartedly disagree with your perspective. So you don’t want mothers to stand in church on mother’s day, simply because you and others don’t have children? How sad that you are unable to rejoice for others. We are not all the same. We all have different blessings in our lives and should rejoice in each other’s blessings. There is nothing Godly about being overly sensitive and offended because mothers stand in church and other’s don’t. This country is filled with too many whiners and complainers – shame on you for being one of them! Shame on you for making a beautiful day at church a political statement….
Kim said:
I am a mother, and I understand the sentiment and the hurt, but at the same time, I feel like it’s the same thing in a different package. Oh, we can’t give kids medals for winning their game or their spelling bee, etc. It will hurt the other kids that didn’t win. We can’t acknowledge what people do or have done anymore.
Our Paster does not ask moms to stand, though they often hand out roses after the service. Mothering is a humbling, huge, never ending task. One that I take very seriously, with great joy, with much prayer and with humility and thanksgiving and never ask for a pat on the back, nor do I expect it.
But can we not acknowledge the work that our moms do? One day to celebrate them? The politically correct agenda has taken over this as well? We can’t say or do anything because it may exclude or hurt someone who hasn’t walked where we walk?
I am aware of the pain that comes along with this touchy subject, but at the same time, must we turn away from the women that are in the mothering trenches daily, loving on the next generation? And why not celebrate our own mothers? If we have not children of our own, we can love on our grandmas, our moms, our pastors wives, our friends. Lift up these women, pray for them and encourage them. And our friends who are not mothers? Many of them ARE those encouragers, those that lend a hand when we are at the end of our rope, those that kneel for us and pray for us and pray with us. They are not forgotten, and those of us that are held up by some of these women DO acknowledge their importance and their role in our lives.
Lisa Crews said:
Since everyone is avoiding it, let me put it bluntly. I had 3 miscarriages before my oldest child was born. On those Mother’s Days (one a few weeks after our 3rd baby died) before I carried a baby to term, when a pastor was talking about children and mothers my experience with motherhood was three different times, holding a tiny, dead partially developed little blood soaked baby in my hand. That’s what motherhood had been for me. Those were the memories I had of my children. Those images never go away even now that I have 3 children (two biological one adopted.) Don’t preach a pro-life message and expect women to react to losing their babies like it’s just a lump of cells or tissue. I had begged God to keep my children safe, they died and I grieved over them. Standing on Mother’s Day those years would’ve been weird at church where everyone knew we were childless.
I also very happily celebrated Mother’s Day those years like I did and do with my Mother, MIL, and my Grandmother who helped raise me when my mother was single. So, no, there weren’t any sour grapes, there was just sadness for real people and who died and I missed them. My experience was emotionally the opposite of the emotions they were trying to convey at church those days.
Amy said:
Lisa, thanks for, as you said, putting it bluntly! amy
rashelplunkett said:
can we use your “poem” in our church service? I just didn’t want to use it without permission. I can email you with details if you need them 🙂
Amy said:
Yes, please do! Here’s an updated version: http://www.messymiddle.com/2012/05/10/an-open-letter-to-pastors-a-non-mom-speaks-about-mothers-day/
Cindy said:
Thanks for posting this. Unfortunately….the church’s main focus is all on families. If you aren’t married with kids…..they just don’t know how to relate….because obviously there is something wrong with us.
Tab said:
I have never experienced a miscarriage or loss of a child and I am deeply sorry for your loss! BUT I will say that we, who r mothers, get one special day to be recognized so why take that away from us if we do proudly stand up for being blessed with being a mom??? I’m confused??? I don’t feel like u r whining or trying to get sympathy but we deserve respect as mothers!!!
Norm Walker said:
This is one of the silliest things I have ever read. My wife and I waited 7 years to have kids. We got some crap from family but who cares we wanted to travel and have fun before having to tote along strollers, car seats, diaper bags and 2 extra bags. If you are a woman that doesn’t have kids Mothers Day is for blessing and celebrating your Mother.
LEJ said:
One more category of moms to remember: birthmoms who have been courageous enough to give their child life and to place them in a loving home. Mother’s Day can be hard for them, too. We are thankful for our two sons’ birthmothers.
Amy said:
LEJ … good point!!
Mama L said:
Poor Bob. Do you feel singled out right now? Like someone left sitting in the pews? I became a Mom later in life and sat through many a Mothers day (into my 30’s). I never found that as difficult as the humiliation of all the single ladies getting called out at weddings to catch the bouquet. However, I sat, I stood and pretended to want to catch the bouquet, because these events and people deserve to be honored. There are things in life worth celebrating. I believe the pain felt during these times is a time to draw closer to Christ. Give him your hurt and allow Him to work in your heart. It is, after all, our sovereign God who has allowed these circumstances in our lives. But, to say it different, to place guilt on a pastor who wishes to honor the Mothers on this day is wrong. I understand the awkwardness of these times but why take away the 2 minutes, once a year, where the entire congregation says and recognizes the sacrifice of these ladies, the long nights, the daily dying to self, the endless laundry, cleaning, boogers, diapers, dishes, done for others who can’t say “stand up Mom because I want to honor you”. Really? You can’t sit for 2 minutes?
Joni Ruhs said:
I used to plan church services as a volunteer/leader many years ago. Until my friend had a miscarriage and told me “I don’t want to go to church on Mother’s Day because…” it hadn’t occurred to me how painful that day in church can be. I was not a mother then. My mother passed away many years before so I just never put any effort into Mother’s Day personally. We wanted to honor the mommas and still be sensitive otherwise. I hope our adjustments were merciful. Thanks for writing this.
Lindsey said:
Love your post. For 7 years my husband and I struggled with miscarriages and infertility struggles. I dreaded going to church on Mother’s Day. I dreaded family dinners. I dreaded the day in general.
I’ll never forget when once we went out to eat at a restaurant for mother’s day and the waitress gave each one of the ladies at the table a flower. My nephew turned to me and in front of everyone said, “You’re Not a Mom. You don’t deserve a flower.”
But I was a mom. I just didn’t have children to show for it. And I wanted to be a mom so badly, and the holiday was just a huge sting year after year after year.
But it wasn’t God’s plan for us yet. Last year was my first Mother’s Day as a mom, which was awesome.
Thank you for saying the words that so many women have wanted to say but haven’t yet. 🙂
Amy said:
Lindsey, and thank you for giving us another glimpse of a person’s journey! Amy
Melissa said:
This article fills me with sadness. I feel like, as a society, the ability to honor and lift others up for what roles they fill or what service they do is slipping away. It seems like one can barely breathe a syllable for fear of offending someone (for someone like myself, who’s a classic “overempathizer” it becomes positively paralyzing). Dedicated mothering, in the secular culture, is looked at by most with derision and disdain. People want to know not that you are a mother, but what career/job you have. I often find myself downplaying my role as a mother and playing up my education when speaking to others, because I am weak and desire people’s approval, and our culture doesn’t “approve” of a woman who has no other role outside of being a mother/wife/homemaker. It was always so heartening to fellowship with believers, one day of the year, and hear unique appreciation from my brothers and sisters in Christ for my role as a mother. All of the other Sundays of the year, I’d express my apprecation for the pastoral staff, missionaries, and teachers, when they were being honored – but at the same time I’d feel terribly guilty, because I didn’t have time for those roles because I was involved in the nitty-gritty years of raising six closely-spaced children. Mother’s Day was always a reminder for my parched soul that motherhood is a role, in and of itself, that is biblical and God-honoring for some women. As someone who’s suffered loss (miscarriage, and also the premature loss of my own mother), I understand how difficult certain holidays can be. But I think it’s important to keep in perspective that what causes you pain might be just the thing that rescues the sinking soul of your sister in Christ sitting next to you (you know, the one who stood up).
In Christ,
Melissa
Laura said:
I was asked to sit down when I attended church on Mother’s Day as a pregnant 16 year old girl.
Unfortunately, it’s one of the many reasons that I have lost my faith and have never returned.
Everyone needs compassion, everyone deserves understanding.
This was a lovely post, thank you so much!
Amy said:
Laura, I’m sorry to hear that you have experienced hurt at the hand of the church. We are not a perfect group, that’s for sure. Do you have any friends that go to church and their church sounds kind of like a place you might want to visit? I’m not trying to push you into anything, I’m just sad that you’ve experienced such “friendly fire!”
onmywaytohealth said:
Thank you for writing this! I can totally relate, it’s like you took the words right from my mouth! I had a miscarriage last year one week before Mother’s Day. It was really tough. And as we spent the day at my parents house having a BBQ, someone made a comment that all the mother’s got to be served first and then one of my family members looked at me and said maybe it will be your turn next year. I know they didn’t mean it in a demeaning, rude way but it hit me really hard, I felt like I had been punched in the stomach, I couldn’t breathe, all I could do was leave the room. One year later as I reflect upon that time, I am in a much better place but the pain is still there, I still feel like there is a hole in my heart. I still have no children but I’m praying and hoping that one day I will get to experience the blessing of being a mother. Thank you again for writing this!!!
Amy said:
onmyway, like you, I know that family member didn’t mean to be hurtful and probably had no idea the timing of their words. I’m thankful to hear that you are at a different place (time doesn’t always heal all wounds!) and appreciate your comment. Amy
Libby said:
What if you finally had a child, after the years of waiting? Would you feel differently at all? Would you want to be recognized as a mother? The reason I ask is because I struggled with infertility for years. When I finally had my daughter, I was proud to be recognized as a mother, finally. I didn’t particularly have bad feelings about not being recognized on Mother’s Day, but I knew I couldn’t wait for my “turn”.
WIKitteh said:
How lovely for you. But many women will never have “their turn”, why do you need to hurt them to feel better about yourself?
FruitWorthy said:
I value and appreciate your comments. Church should be a place that makes people feel loved and welcomed. It’s been my impression, however, that “motherhood” has been increasingly devalued over the years. In our efforts to remember the pain of some, let’s not completely stop showing mothers the appreciation they deserve. We need to continue to tell our daughters and nieces that motherhood is one of the highest callings one can receive. Too many young women are hearing from the culture, and more and more from the church, that motherhood is a secondary calling.
student4now said:
My first mother’s day was spent with empty arms as my daughter spent it at the feet of her Heavenly Father. I sat in church as I watched 3 babies be dedicated to God and my arms ached so badly I thought they would fall off.
I will face this mother’s day celebrating with 2 grown sons — yet without my family of origin knowing that our family has had an irreparable rift — and I am unwelcome in their midst.
Rejected by my mother frequently as a child and ultimately and finally as an adult —
I have no mother to honor this mother’s day —
I have 2 sons who will celebrate (and mourn) with me this weekend — I do no, nor have I *EVER* resented Mother’s Day —
but the losses it reminds me of are acute and painful. Those losses are invalidated by people who use the word “resent”
and discount the pain ..
Angel said:
I really appreciate the concern for those of us who have experienced loss and pain; the poem that so beautifully expresses the joy and sorrow for each different circumstance. We are to rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep
I have been single, married, have three beautiful boys, experienced three painful miscarriages, and am now a single mom after a crushingly painful abandoment and divorce.
Although I may not agree with every opinion stated, I can say that every person – man or woman- is highly valuable and precious in God’s eyes. As to honoring Mothers one day a year, I do appreciate the acknowledgement that goes unnoticed the rest of the year – except my b-day when my folks remind me how proud they are of me as a single mom! : ) The hours of hard work trying to make a better life for me and my boys, the insensitivity of others, the hurtful arguments and words that crush a mother’s heart, and the sheer determination not to let it stop me from raising my boys to be respectful, kind, and loving toward others.
I had a realizion why honoring Moms on Mother’s day does not hurt me – it’s because the pain associated with the losses no longer affects me. For me, personally, it has been very painful but God has walked me through each circumstance reassuring me, loving me, and healing my bleeding heart as I have allowed Him and learn to trust His touch. Recently I wrote about an understanding God gave me, “while broken things can be put back together by man, only God can take from the dust and make someting beautiful out of it, breathing new life into it.”
May every woman confidently know she is beautiful, loved, and cherished. May she find healing and security in the One who can truly love and appreciate her for who she really is…His beloved and His delight!
Thank you Amy for the most simulating, thought-provoking piece! Very interesting!
Amy said:
And to you for an equally stimulating response 🙂
Carmen said:
I know this comment will get lost in the shuffle, and I’m not big on speaking my mind, but this really got to me when I saw it posted on Facebook. I’m a christian woman who cannot conceive, which is very challenging, painful, and heartbreaking. However. I see absolutely nothing wrong with this mother’s day “tradition” of sorts. I agree with you that it can be exclusive, however when we start thinking that way, people go overboard in trying to include EVERYONE, so much to the point that no one is recognized. For example, if I said that football shouldn’t be aired on my favourite news station because I’m in a wheelchair and can’t play, isn’t that really on the same lines? Where do we draw them?
People have been trying to boycott Christian holidays for years now because others “don’t participate” or are offended somehow. Same principle.
Again, what you have to say is very well written and has an excellent point, but some things are going too far..
Suzanne said:
I, too, despise church on Mother’s Day after a lifetime of wanting to be a mother. I read your article almost daring it to mention me. When you listed foster moms, tears flooded my eyes so that the image of my precious and extraordinary 15-month-old foster daughter momentarily blurred as she toddled about the room, chirping happily. I pray for her to become my forever child, but if she does not – as the four children prior to her have not – thank you for acknowledging me this year. I am grateful.
peggy said:
Mother’s Day isn’t even a church holiday – secular and Hallmark-ish. Why do ministers include it at all?
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Steph said:
Thank you. You have beautiully put in writing the words that have choked me and caused me to wonder if it was just me. As I approach my mid thirties, I do feel crushed that it is a rel possibility that I may not become a mother. Infertiliity is an issue for me, and as time keeps ticking away, I fear it may just run out. Does that make me a “failure” or damaged in some way? Am I less of a woman? My head says no, but my heart says yes.Its like mourning for someone you never got to know, yet you love with more force than you thought possible. I fear it somehow makes my husband and I less of a familly.
Michael said:
Here’s my take for what ever it’s worth. And believe me I LOVE my Mother, and I LOVE my kid’s Mother (my Wife) with all my heart! So I’m not being insensitive to woman. So here we go…We should be going to church every Lord’s Day for One reason and one reason only, so staying home on any Sunday is not and option, and that one reason is to Worship our Lord and Savior! What ever else may or may not happen at the service shouldn’t matter. Christ was humiliated and suffered a horrible death so we could have the privilege to meet around His table and Remember His death, burial and resurrection. We should block everything else out and be totally focused on Him. Jesus loved His mother so much some of His last words as He hung on the cross was to make sure His Mother was taken care of after He was gone. So I think we can be assured He expects us to Honor our Mothers more than just one Sunday a year. Every day of Jesus life on earth was probably Mother’s Day for Mary. God Bless our Mother’s every day!
Lisa Crews said:
Reading the comments on the webpage below the original article shows how some people struggle to grasp nuance. The author and I agree that there’s nothing wrong with celebrating Mother’s Day at church, but we are very concerned that rejoicing with those who rejoice is happening to the exclusion of mourning with those who mourn. Most Mother’s Day services are fuzzy feel good hallmark moments. That’s just one aspect of motherhood along with some of the most painful aspects of the human existence.
Since the days of the prophet Samuel’s mother, Hannah, there have been few places of worship where a woman could grieve for her children-those they lost and those they’ve never had a chance to know- without an inept worship leader accusing her of being drunk or ungrateful. Don’t be the man like Hannah’s husband who really can’t understand why she’s not content with just him and no kids.
The modern politically conservative church is also appallingly bad at supporting childless by choice couples and single by choice women in addition to those who are childless but don’t want to be. In an over reaction to certain types of modern feminism that disregards motherhood as a career, many conservatives pity women who choose to serve God single or married but childless. There are ministries that are not good fits for people with families that are just as important as the ministry of motherhood, but you won’t see those servants of God acknowledged with standing up, getting a rose, and a sermon of appreciation. You’ll get some people quietly wondering what’s wrong with those people who aren’t going for and multiplying-the ones like the apostle Paul.
Add to the list of difficult “stand up if you’re a mother” situations: the woman who placed her child for adoption; the woman who fostered children she loves and wanted to adopt but the state sent them back to birthparents or extended relatives;the rare fost-adopt situation where an adoptive parent returned a dangerous child to the state to protect other children in her home; the mother whose only adult child has died due to accident, suicide, illness; the woman who lost a child to the state due to abuse or neglect and has since reformed but the child is adopted to someone else,and others.
Amy said:
Lisa, thanks for the shout out for childless by choice people (both married and single) and birth mothers. I also smiled at your comment on nuance 🙂
Char said:
I do understand the pain that women go through. My problem is, that we no longer have Mother/Daughter Banquets. We have Ladies’ Spring Luncheons. My granddaughters are no longer welcome. They aren’t old enough. We Don’t have Valentine Banquets. We have adult fellowships. They always have been adult fellowships, but we have to completely change how we decorate and themes and how we “advertise” them.
I don’t mean to sound petty or uncaring.
Amy said:
Hi Char,
Could you start something at your church like the type of gathering you’re talking about? Sounds lovely! Amy
Lynn said:
I just discovered this blog and have to say bravo and AMEN! As a late in life parent that struggled with infertility I so resemble and resonate with this blog. My wonderful husband and I adopted three great kids- and even now- years later- well past the infertility stuff – I hate going to church on Mother’s Day. Being asked to stand will inevitably bring on the tears and the reminder of all the pain it took to get here to this place….a happy place, but one that I don’t need to go to church to be reminded of! Thank you for a wonderful blog!
Kelly said:
Thank you for this post. I lost my mother four years ago when i was only 26. Now at 30 I have yet to find man to walk through life with who could make me a mother. The last four years I’ve skipped Mother’s Day services because it hurt to think of my mom — no longer here on earth for me to celebrate, appreciate, and thank — and to be reminded of my non-mother status when I’ve wanted always wanted to be a mother but have so far been denied that honor and privilege and have been forced to acknowledge that it is a blessing I may forever be denied. I don’t want to be bitter about my circumstances or demolish the day designed to celebrate motherhood but I also don’t like having the scabs over my two wounds ripped off each May. The list of shared celebrating and mourning you included in your post is so real and hits on so many hurts and joys related to motherhood. Thanks for being a voice for those who, like me, struggle on Mother’s Day.
Kelly said:
And to clarify, it’s not about doing away with the recognition or celebration — not at all! All of my closest friends are mothers and I am in awe of the daily challenges they face with strength and grace as they raise their children. They sacrifice, serve, and are a true picture of Christ — denying self to pour into the lives they have been entrusted with. They deserve to be recognized for all they do all year round. But I think there are ways to recognizing them without intensifying the shame/pain of those in mourning for various reasons on Mother’s Day.
Amy said:
Kelly, you’re welcome! I don’t know if you’ve had a chance to read through the comments, but you’re not alone!
Barbara said:
How can I “unfollow” this post and its comments? I read your reflection at the beginning of worship on Mother’s Day last year, and I plan to do so again this year. But I have received a few hundred separate emails in the past week from every comment and response that has been made. My Inbox is drowning; how can I turn that off?
Thanks in advance for the help.
Debra G said:
At the bottom of one of those million emails you are receiving, there is a link to manage your subscription. Click on that. Then click on this post, click unfollow in the drop down and click apply. 🙂
Christy said:
Really? I am a divorced single mom raising a daughter by myself. Every week at church I am constantly reminded that I am single and divorced. On Mother’s Day when they have the Mother’s stand, for once I feel like I have finally accomplished something good in my life. To anyone who can’t have kids be thankful you have a loving husband to be there for you and someone to come home to and hug. Life is very lonely when you are single. But should I make a comment to my pastor that I am affended every time he brings up anything with couples or being married? That would be crazy!! Now if you have a problem with it then do what we do for Father’s Day. We don’t go to church on Father’s Day, cause I don’t want my daughter reminded that she has a dad who does not care. If you don’t like Mother’s Day then don’t go.
Amy said:
Christy, as a mother of two you have accomplished SO MUCH! I’m sorry you are given more consistent messages that remind you of it :). Blessings sister!
slabachgertrude said:
This is a very well-written, non-threatening piece. I like it a lot. I understand your point, especially the part about asking mothers to stand. No matter where we go, there will be people who will feel hurt and left out. We start it in elementary school, where every child receives a ribbon for participating so they won’t feel left out. We teach children that they have to be a winner, and if they are not, they’re not accepted or appreciated. If one person gets it, everybody should. If somebody get to be married or have children, then everybody who would like to should, or life is not fair. I grew up in a church that celebrated Mother’s Day (and my church still does), but mothers were never asked to stand. To me, it was a day to honor mothers – my mother and other “mentor mothers”. Yes, I am a mother but I was not married until I was almost 30. Even when I wasn’t dating, I was happy to honor the moms in my church. I didn’t think about it that I didn’t have kids (and honestly thought I would probably never get married or have children), but a time to honor my own mother. To me, mother’s day is not about who I am and what I have, but about the women/moms who have mentored me. It is a way to honor godly women and recognize the institution of motherhood. All of us can look around us and see things others have that we don’t – whether it is marriage, children, money, status, job security,vehicles, or whatever. We can either rejoice with them and be glad God has blessed them or we can bemoan our “fate.” All of us have things we wish were different in our lives – things over which we have no control. Is it right for us to resent others the blessing God has given them? I am not saying there is not pain when we experience loss and vacancy. Of course there is. There can also be healing, but it won’t come by being resentful, jealous, or envious. My mother died three years ago and, on Mother’s day, I grieve my loss. It was not easy being in church that first Mother’s day, but I leaned into the pain and I went. Did I cry? Of course. But my mother would have wanted me to be there, and it was a way I could honor her. Plus, I knew God wanted me to be there instead of staying home licking my wounds. The next year it was not as crushing a pain. Even though my mama is in Heaven, I can still rejoice in the heritage I have because of her. I have found that one of the best ways to allow God to heal a hurt is to applaud and cheer the person whom I am tempted to resent. That takes the focus off myself and puts it on them – and that, my friends, is very Biblical.
Stephanie said:
I find the reasoning for the first women that does not want to go to church an excuse. It is that simple and the truth. Everyone does it wether it be for a day or years it still remains an excuse to not go to church. So, does walking out of church during the honoring of anyone; be it mothers on Mother’s Day.
I believe that this article is not giving honor and glory to our Beloved Lord. I do see the credit going to the pastors of the church who by the way can not take away your pain. The credit should be to The Lord God Almighty because he is worthy to take away all pain IF we allow him. That is where our free will comes in. It is important to remember that all things are possible thru Christ. Why? Because he went to the cross with your pain of not being a mother and died with it so that you do not have to bare and die with that burden. How great is that. Just leave it at the cross because you really don’t want it anyway. It’s too heavy to carry.
Jeremiah 29:11 says that God knows the plans he has for us; plans to prosper and not to harm. God has a plan for you and it is a prefect plan. He does not make mistakes. You are perfectly and wonderfully made. So, no you may not get to stand up on Mother’s Day but that is ok because Gods love is enough and freeing of that hurt. I am sorry that your plan of being a mom has not come to be but It could just very well be (and I believe it is) a distraction for you to not know a greater intamacy with God so that he can reveal his plan to you so that on Mother’s Day you can sit in the pew in freedom from disappointment, hurt and pain.
Amy said:
Hi Stephanie … thanks for the comment.
Jennifer F said:
Amy, I can only imagine the hurt and courage it took to share these words. I think what is important to share is its not about women who choose not to have children that are hurt. Its the women who have lost their children or were never able to choose not to be mothers. After 10 miscarriages, 4 failed adoption attempts and 2 stepsons whose mothers clearly stated they are not my children.
The worst part of all wasn’t being told they werent my children. The worst part was a Chaplain telling me that since I never gave birth to a living child that I was not a real mother. I feel thats where the real pain on Mothers Day comes from.
For those who have commented its only one day suck it up consider this: Imagine the day your child tragically dies. The day after the funeral someone tells you that now you are no longer a parent. Now on Mothers Day, please tell me how your heart feels when they tell you to sit down because you are no longer a mother. Remember you are the ones that said its just a day suck it up.
For the rest of the “non” Mothers, you are in my prayers daily for peace, love and acceptance!
Amy said:
“The worst part was a Chaplain telling me that since I never gave birth to a living child that I was not a real mother. ” It’s hard for me to imagine anyone saying something like this. I’m so sorry. Amy
slabachgertrude said:
In reply to Jennifer – I am so sorry for your many losses here on earth. You have many babies waiting for you in Heaven. A mother is a mother whether her child is alive or is in Heaven. So the day after burying a child, a mom is still a mom of that child. Am I no longer a daughter b/c my mother is in Heaven? The Chaplain was just plain wrong. Don’t allow his opinion to change who you really are.
Kit said:
If it helps … that chaplain was an idiot. A female cockroach can be a mother, biologically speaking. That doesn’t make it something special. What’s special is actually stepping up to the responsibility and nurturing those you find in your care. Unfortunately we don’t have a good way to differentiate between the two and go with the whole “did another human come out of your body?” line. Which … is only so helpful.
Leeann said:
Skip the corporate blanket routine that every mother/father/’s day must be fabulous somehow & just let each family observe true to their reality ..not a commercialized holiday. Is as Silly as rushing to get a date for 2/14..to arbitrarily set a babymaking deadline. Don’t fall for it & don’t waste life living to impress others.
No Cavewomen said:
Wow. Some of the responses here are truly sickening. Women are not merely “vessels” for a parasitic fetus. Our worth does not come from our ability to reproduce. Giving birth is not an achievement or talent, therefore it cannot be shameful to not do so–by choice or otherwise. It’s attitudes like these that turn intelligent people off from organized religion.
Childfree people do not deserve pity, scorn or other forms of judgment.
Jane said:
Amy, what a warm, inclusive and sensitive piece of writing …. I will be sharing with as many other women as I can! It made me reflect that the day was more usually called “Mothering Sunday” than “Mothers’ Day” and that mothering is not exclusively the prerogative of women or women who had borne children. (It would have been wild if a few men stood up too!) Thank you!
tricia ashley said:
I am the mother of 8. Though it is exhausting and encouragement is needed along the way, it doesn’t need to be public. I agree with Amy. The stand is A.W.K.W.A.R.D! I did nothing to become a mom other than walk the path God set before me. Same with staying in the trench…it’s just what He’s given me to do. I don’t see standing as a way to honor me for anything. Rather, it’s a thoughtless tradition. Some may not feel this way, but the fruits of a mother’s labor is in future generations.
tricia ashley said:
…the future generations being genetic, spiritual, or otherwise.
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Abbycat said:
Thanks for your article. I stopped going to church on Mother’s Day years ago when attending a new church in a new city and all of the mothers got a long-stemmed rose. I left in tears because I had been used to going to churches where all of the women over 18 were recognized. I realize this could get expensive in some churches, but no gift really needs to be given, but if you’re going to make people stand up (not a good idea), at least allow ALL the grown women to stand. Some of us have worked in your nurseries and pre-school Sunday school programs, even though we have no children of our own.
George said:
I understand what Amy is talking about to an extent. Though it is not necessarily about my wanting or not wanting kids. Just that I have found that a lot of churches tend to view adult single males as outcasts. I have lived across the country and have also asked many married friends how single adult males are treated at their churches as a whole. They echo the same thing unfortunately.
This really limits my social interaction. Pretty much can’t socialize with single females only married couples so there is no misunderstanding. But socializing with married people makes one sometimes feel like a third or fifth wheel etc. And there are not many single males to socialize with.
Why aren’t they married ? or They must be looking to get married so let us play matchmaker. I don’t know which I dislike more the questioning of my status or their desire to see it change.
Amy said:
George, thanks for sharing some of your experience. I’m sorry that a handful of unsafe people have made it harder for the majority.
Bretta said:
Going to pass on the #2 point to be read at our Mother/Daughter/Ladies Luncheon. Well said.
Emily said:
I don’t know if this has been written (lots of posts here) but many of the Disciples deserted their families to follow Christ! Think of the pain their children experienced when their fathers abandoned them. And today, many children are abandoned in many way by mothers, and this is pain that will never go away. As mature humans, I believe we can experience pain and joy in the same moment, so in a Mother’s Day celebration, those of us who aren’t mothers (for whatever reason) and/or had mothers who couldn’t nurture us (for whatever reason), this pain is much more acute because it is right in front of us. And, after watching my mother die a horrible death last year at this time, does anyone think that I can put this memory aside on Mother’s Day? As much as I wish I could, I can’t. Finally, I’ve come to appreciate how different all of our experiences have been in regards not just to mothering, but in our lives. Some people have had much more difficult lives, and until and unless we walk in their shoes, we cannot feel what they have felt and still feel. Yes, I do want to rejoice with all those who have stable families and lots of love in their families, but that wasn’t my experience. I have learned to rejoice in their joy so much more now, and I’ve found that others can empathize with the losses I’ve had in my life. Perhaps Mother’s Day is the day to rejoice and empathize, to realize both the pain and the joy in life. It’s not one or the other, it’s both.
Amy, I just love what you have written and have sent it to my pastor. I feel you haven’t missed a bit, and thoughtfully wrote about any and all circumstances and feelings that will arise for us all, not just on Mother’s Day, but the whole year through.
Amy said:
Emily … we’ve got a page from the same playbook! I agree that mature people are capable of feeling a wide range of emotions in the same moment and that one does not negate or deny the other. Thank you for expressing that sentiment so elegantly. Amy
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Kit said:
Thank you for this. I’m happily child-free and mostly the day just makes me a little uncomfortable. I have reasons for my choice and I believe they’re good ones and the right choice for me so it can be a little disconcerting to have even the church imply that I’m wrong for making it. But I know that’s not what they intend so I just use the day to honor my own (fortunately pretty awesome) mother.
However.
In my group of friends I have many who wanted and want desperately to be mothers and aren’t. The friend who’s struggling with infertility and whose husband won’t consider adoption or fostering. The single women who wanted the whole family thing but never got the chance. The friend who has devoted herself to nurturing classes of inner-city preschoolers who are ignored and abused in their homes. The friend who is a nanny to two trophy children and is, to those kids, more a mother than the one who gave them birth. The single friend fostering, the friend who just miscarried her first pregnancy, the one who put a child up for adoption … there’s a lot of pain there.
I’m not against acknowledging the day and giving a shout-out to those who are in the trenches of motherhood or who have come out the other side with adult kids. But anything that smacks of saying, “Good Women have children” causes me to break out in hives. That’s not loving and that’s not even Biblical. So thank you for sharing and I hope it causes at least one pastor to rethink his service this week.
Amy said:
Kit, sounds like we have a lot in common! I too, am happy childless but know many single women who LONG (with an ache I just don’t have) to be moms. And yes to the “there’s a lot of pain.” We can’t take it away, but we can at least walk with people through it!
Jamie said:
Beautifully written! I am a single lady with no children. Though I would love to be married and raising a family of my own, God hasn’t had that in His plans for my life…yet. 🙂 I lost my own dear Mother 3 weeks ago. I’ve been trying to avoid any and all “Mother’s Day” ads….and whatnot. (Yeah, I know…good luck!) For the first time in my life I don’t want to go to church on Mother’s Day. Mom and I always did something for the Mother’s at our church to honor them. Small church and pretty much everyone is a Mom (except me but I was always ok with it….until this year). Losing my Mom has sent my mind going to places I’d never thought of. Exmp: If I do get married and have children, they will never meet her…things like that.
I was not going to be home for Mother’s Day this year due to school ending and my not being able to leave until this Sat. I had planned to take my Mother out and buy her a new outfit or whatever she desired. Now I will be going home (for the first time since her passing) and she will not be there to greet me. It’s been hard.
This Sunday, because of travels, I will be at another church and I’m hoping and praying they don’t decide to do something to honor “all” the women….Mother’s or not. I probably won’t last and I just might bolt! (I’m seriously thinking of skipping and just continue my drive home instead of waiting til after the service is over to hit the road!) Last year I went to a Mother/ Daughter dinner and was given a basket. It was nice and didn’t bother me then since my Mom was still alive.
Thanks for writing such a beautiful article! Would you mind if I copied and pasted? Maybe one day I can share this with my pastor or other pastor’s. (I’m a Missionary so I visit and know lots of them!)
By the way, with the emotions I’m feeling right now, I’m thankful the Lord allowed me to run across your article. I truly believe the Lord meant for me to read those words. 🙂
Sincerely,
Jamie
Amy said:
Jamie, I love how the Lord can bring us a cool drink in unexpected forms and I’m thankful this post and the comments have been that for you. Please do share (as long as there is credit in some way to here) — and I also have written http://www.messymiddle.com/2013/05/09/10-ideas-for-pastors-on-mothers-day/ that can be shared with pastors too. Blessing on you and your work! Amy
Sue said:
I did not take the time to read all of the comments, but the biggest hurt for me came one year when the pastor asked “all those who have given birth” to stand! I was so proud to have one of my beautiful step-children with me that year, but I couldn’t stand, because I had never given birth. This was at the early service, and you can bet I gave him a piece of my mind afterward! He did change the words during the second service, but it just wasn’t the same for me. God bless!
Amy said:
I’m glad you didn’t just fester but talked to your pastor!
Evangeline Colbert said:
Reblogged this on Hope-Filled Focus and commented:
As we approach Mother’s Day, I remember how difficult was to get through the Day before I overcame infertility. I thought this would be good food for thought…
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Debbie said:
I appreciate your post. I don’t think anyone should tell you that your feelings are wrong. If it is painful it is and we should be sensitive to others pain. I have had some strange experiences, since attending church as a Mom. One Mothers Day was not even acknowledged in church, strange, I know our May mothers day is not a biblical holiday, however the bible does say honor your mother, so I can not see anything unbiblical about Mothers Day being acknowledged. The another year they were handing out roses at the end, yes, I can see how that would be awkward, maybe the pastor got it midway through because he started to broaden the term Mother, he added if you teach children have a rose, if you babysit children, or care for children in any way, then he just said if you are a women and you would like a rose please have one. Lord have patience, men can be slow, I am kidding. It would have been so much more joyful for all if he had just come out in the beginning and say, every women gets a rose today. Personally I would like to add that you do not need to give birth or even be a parent to be honored as a wonderful nurturing woman of God on Mothers Day.
Amy said:
I do feel for pastors (any public speaker really) who in the midst of speaking realizes something and they begin to navigate on the fly 🙂
zoey hunt said:
I am the silent, for whom you speaks. I won’t go anywhere near a church on Mother’s Day. I never understood why they just can’t acknowledge the day without making a big deal: “Every one who’s a Mother stand up, here’s a flower for you, let’s all sing Happy Mother’s day (to the tune of Happy Birthday).” Seriously, these people need to think. Some of us no longer have our mothers, grandmothers, aren’t Moms and will never be. I’ve also heard the suggestion to “Celebrate with other Mothers, it’s not about you.” They’re right, it’s not about me at all, and that’s why, I won’t go anywhere near a church on Mother’s Day. Just saying.
Amy said:
Zoey … I get it. Maybe this year might be different (but truly no pressure, I’m not the HS in you). I’m also not keen on Happy Mother’s Day song! Blessings sister. Amy (hey from Z to A!)
zoey hunt said:
I’m just staying home, having a day for me–doing whatever I want to do– sometimes it’s a garden day, soaking in the tub, or a whole day of watching movies.
Thank you for your post and recognizing an alternate point of view.
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becky gaston said:
I recognize the hurt, but that’s like saying that you don’t want to go to a wedding because you don’t have a husband. mother’s day is a celebration of mothers and even if you aren’t one, you have one. so celebrate what you’ve got and let go of what you don’t have. and if you really want to be a mother, child protective services has a thick notebook or two of children who need permanent homes. GO GET THEM! (I did.)
Amy said:
Becky, I’m thankful that you are in the financial and physical position to do this!!
Liz said:
My heart breaks for those who can’t have kids. I don’t fully understand how you feel but I do sympathize with you. However asking everyone to walk on egg shells because you have a hurt is really unfair. I am a mom who works, didn’t breastfeed and gets judged a lot. I know what it’s like for someone to stick their finger right in your open wound and not think twice. However I hate to inform you that Mother’s Day isn’t about you. It may stick a big fat finger in a sensitive wound BUT it’s not about you or your wound. It’s about the woman who have mothered children. The ones that sacrifice sleep, time, looking good in low cut jeans ever again and a whole lot more. It’s about those who have given their lives to raise children. Don’t get me wrong I know that many women, including very dear friends of mine would have done anything to be called a Mother but God did not grant them that. I truthfully find this post selfish. As a mother of small children I get one stinking day a year where the world appreciates my sacrifice and I am not going to apologize if that hurts you. My advice don’t go do church that day. I have a very dear friend of mine that doesn’t go to church on Mother’s Day or Father’s Day. Instead she spends that time with her spouse remembering her and his late parents. Instead of making the world bow to your sensitives why not embrace the hurt and allow it to heal a little!
Amy said:
Liz, I’m sorry you perceive you only get one day a year to be recognized. Mothering is not easy! I hope that you and your sacrifice are validated a little bit every day :). Fondly, Amy
zoey hunt said:
Liz –I don’t begrudge anyone their Mother’s Day. I know Moms work really hard.
That’s why I avoid church on those days. I don’t want to be the wet blanket on anybody’s parade.
snire said:
for those men who think that amy is callous or resentful… consider this: all men who have a job that can support their families single handedly stand up, the rest, who have multiple jobs or have spouses that work outside the home, don’t stand up because you are not worth honoring; or all men who have never experienced ED stand up, the rest stay seated because at some point you have failed at truly exuding manhood at all points and times in your life. both of those situations would be absurd. I know it is impossible for a man to understand what barrenness (for whatever reason) means to a woman. I am soon to turn 30 and my husband and I are yet to have kids because we know the time is not right for us yet… and still, each month in an ebb and flow of various hormones that scream “get pregnant/be a mother!,” there is a small sadness in knowing that its “not this month.” So I sit in the would-be nursery and feel sad for a short while. In my heart and mind I know that if we ever have kids it will be in God’s perfect timing, and that I really don’t need to stress, by I am human and I have hormones and sometimes its harder to live that than to say it. Best I can liken it for a man is regard to his ability to provide for and protect his family and his sexual function. I won’t skip out on church, and I do honor all mothers, but I can hear and understand where Amy and others are coming from. As one who is in the “married but no child” group (which is now only 2 women at my church that I can think of), there is a definite abet unintentional divide between the “have” and “have nots.” It hurt sometimes, just like I know that sometimes it hurts my husband when he has not been able to provide for our family (for whatever reason).
Amy said:
You raise some interesting points!
Monica said:
I too have suffered loss, a loss that I am reminded of on Mothers Day. I also know many beautiful women, raising children in Christ who absolutely deserve some recognition. For those of you who agree with this post I pose the question, Where is your focus?
Amy said:
Great refocusing Monica!
Robin said:
First let me say that I know the pain of loosing both a child through still birth and through miscarriage. On the other hand I have been blessed to have three wonderful daughters as well. As I read this, something in me stirred deeply. I understand the deep pain that many women must feel. But I want to offer another perspective.
First, I want my mom honored on Mother’s Day. I find a deep part of me that cries out that the problem is that these women are focusing on self rather than others. I don’t say that to be hateful. Just truthful. It’s what I see. Why would anyone not want their church to honor their own mom because it makes them feel pain that they haven’t had kids. I understand days of celebration that bring memories of pain and sorrow. Every Father’s Day, I hold back tears as I watch videos of loving father daughter relationships because I didn’t have that. Instead I dealt with abuse and anger. Even though seeing all those joyful father children relationship featured causes me pain, there is no way I’d be so selfish as to keep my husband who is a great father from being honored because it makes me feel bad.
The second truth that begin to rise from my soul as I thought about this article is that we have really failed as believers in this generation. Instead of learning to walk in simple trust and contentment of the God who has placed us where we are for a reason, we are a self focused generation. (This is normal for all of us–we are all sinners prone to self centeredness–but I believe God has something better for each of us). How much better to say The Lord gives and The Lord takes away; blessed be the name of The Lord. He is in control. He loves each of us and is working out everything in our lives for a purpose and a reason. Every pain, every hurt, every loss, He has ordained for a reason. When we say with Paul, No matter what my circumstance, I have learned to be content, then we will have freedom to rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep. We will have freedom to honor those who deserve honor.
Let me say, that even when we have a response of trust and contentment, we will still have pain and times of sorrow triggered by things like Mother’s Day or Father’s Day celebrations. But instead of asking our pastors to stop taking two minutes to have moms stand up to be honored and prayed over, we will be thankful that the suffering we are experiencing is nothing compared to what Christ suffered for us and that it has been put into our lives to mold us and shape us more and more into a reflective image of His Son that will draw the world to Him.
Finally let me say that I say none of this to sound pious or hateful to one who is hurting. I speak from a position of one to whom God has been teaching this very thing as I struggle with unbelievable suffering and loss that I won’t detail here. God has been teaching me that He has an amazing purpose for the pain and sorrow I feel everyday. As hard as it is, as much as it hurts, I will continue to trust Him and keep the focus on Him and not on me. I want Him to be glorified.
Amy said:
Robin, thank you for your comment! As one who is deeply content with my state of life, I agree. (I think you missed the point of my letter as it seems we are saying similar things using different words :))
Rebecca said:
I am sorry that you feel this way. As a single mom of 2 teenage boys, who escaped from an abusive partner, and understand it is better to be going it alone, I still struggle with the everyday taks of raising two kids on my own, socially, emotionally and financially. 364 days of the year, I often feel unvalidated and short of the task. One day a year, I am given a chance to share in the public affirmation that all mothers are allowed, and the glow from that moment is what carries me through difficult times the remainder of the year, As far as feeling left out, I can understand you might feel that way. I do not feel slighted when I am in a setting, Christian or secular, where veterans are singled out for recognition, even though I am unable to stand. I join in the celebration of these men and women, and the efforts, devotion and sacrifices they have made, and recall my father, and other relatives and acquaintances who proudly served their country. God calls us to celebrate with those who celebrate, and yes, weep with those who weep. He also states that there is a time and a season for all of these activities. I empathize with you for the fact you do not feel included in this celebration – we all feel like we are on the outside sometimes, and I hope that your need to be affirmed is met at other times somehow. I hope, also, that you will find a way to allow celebrations of your sisters on Mother’s Day, that may be exactly what THEY need at that moment, and know that none of God’s children would celebrate one brother or sister in a way that would demean or purposely devalue another.
Amy said:
Rebecca, I sense you kind of missed my point :). I applaud you for the many hard steps you needed to take to get your children (and yourself) to safety. Amy
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Patti said:
I appreciate the consideration of the continuum of mothering. Everyone has a different story – some are filled with sorrow or regret, some are joyful, and some have degrees of both plus other varied emotions. I face each Mother’s Day with very mixed emotions. I have four wonderful children, and I have had 3 miscarriages; I celebrate the children I get to spend time with every day, and I grieve for the ones I never got to know. My own mother left my father while I was away at summer camp when I was 8. I longed for time with her and anticipated the weekends when we got to see her, since we lived with my Dad. Oftentimes, those weekends were filled with her social engagements and her pursuit of other men, so we ended up with one of my aunts or my grandmother – all very loving mothers in their own right. When I “grew up” and became a mother myself, I realized that my own mother and I didn’t share the same level of focus or dedication, and maybe even love, of having children and sharing our lives, hearts, experiences, as well as, learning from these wonderful miracles of life. Picking a mother’s day card for her kept getting harder and harder. Then I found out that she was a mean & cruel person (and I thanked my Dad for saving me from her) and had emotionally abused two of my children while they were in her care. I extricated her from our lives; but she continues to “stalk” my family by attending the church we attend and putting on her “nice face”. I don’t honor my mother, I don’t like my mother, but I still have protective feelings for her – not because she’s my mother, but because she is a human being created by God for a purpose. Maybe that purpose is to show me how NOT to be that kind of mother. I don’t ever want to be a foster mother, because I’m not good at goodbyes, but I thank God for those women who can do it. I grieve for families who experience miscarriages, because I’ve been there, too. The number of children one has in no way diminishes the grief fir those that we didn’t get to keep. I guess because my “real” mother was so much less than I needed, and I benefited from the love of other “mothers” – Sunday school teachers, school teachers, Girl Scout troop leaders, school counselors, and especially my stepmother – I have a great appreciation for all women who offer their love and care to the children of the world. Mother’s Day is a much more complicated celebration that it appears to be on the surface. My offering is that we celebrate what we have experienced as mothers of some sort and from other mothers that have given part of themselves to us; and we remember, respectfully, that everyone’s story is different.
Amy said:
“We remember, respectfully, that everyone’s story is different” — Patti thanks for giving us a glimpse of yours. It does not sound like an easy path to have walked, but I’m thankful you can focus on God in the midst of it 🙂
Kevin said:
I am a fatherless 50 year old guy and this is the reason I avoid church on Father’s Day.
Amy said:
Kevin, I get it and blogged similar sentiment on Father’s Day if you want to see them.
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zoey hunt said:
It just occurred to me… these people are arguing about what goes on in church, meaning they are purporting to be Christians? yikes! Like they say “just because you’re standing in the garage, doesn’t make you a car.” I think they’ve forgotten the Golden Rule.
Thanks to Amy for showing compassion and having courage to post this topic.
Josh said:
Amy,
This is such a helpful reflection. I am a pastor and a friend of your brother’s (John). In past years, I’ve always try to be respectful of the various challenges to being a ‘mom’ or ‘non-mom’ when we have the mother’s day moment at church. But your words are especially clarifying and the listing of different “moms” to appreciate and applaud is inspiring. With your permission, I think I’d like to use some of that this weekend…
Thanks!
Josh
Amy said:
Josh you’re welcome to use them (just give me credit). I don’t have a brother … but if I did, John would be a lovely name for one!
Pastor Dennis said:
Thanks for the blog entry. nearly 20 years ago an infertile woman shared how mothers day brought her pain. another woman did the same. Since that time we celebrate “Mothers and all the godly women in our midst” at our church. While bearing children is a gift, and raising children is a lot of blessed hard work, “the woman that fears the Lord, she shall be praised.” We don’t have to run our church according to hallmark, we can use this day to honor all our women, and we do. Pastor Dennis
Amy said:
Thanks for sharing Pastor Dennis … I love hearing from pastors!
Susan Henry said:
I so appreciated your tenderly written letter that I included a link to it in my own blog post today at http://oozysnews.blogspot.com/
I too have found Mothers Day services painful, although for very different reasons. I still have my mom. My children are thoughtful, responsible adults. However, since their father died 10 years ago, I grieve his loss on Mothers Day more than on any other day of the year. We used to spend the day together waiting for the boys to appear with their families. They lived close by and never informed us of their intentions, but they always showed up with love and a present. After I was alone, I felt lonelier than ever on Mothers Day.
No one get through life without pain. I don’t want to intrude on other mothers’ moment to be honored just because the day causes me grief. There is just no way to rid life of its painful realities. While some are honored, others who are more deserving are not. In every game, there is a winner and a loser. Because life is not fair, we each have a responsibility to care for each other and comfort one another.
Thank you for the reminder.
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Carrie said:
I am really shocked by some of the reactions to this post. No one is saying don’t appreciate moms. Just consider that while you may be or have had a wonderful mother doesn’t mean that is everyone’s journey. There is a huge difference between honoring and appreciating mothers, and creating an environment that looks down on people who aren’t mothers. I have three daughters, but I appreciate that some of the most influential, supportive people in my daughters lives do not have children of their own. Mothers deserve a lot more credit and appreciation for what they do than they typically receive, but so do a ton of “non-mothers”.
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Scott W said:
Should we do away with couples retreats/ activities, if the church does not also have singles retreats/activities?
When I was in my mid-30s, I found myself growing better against God, because he had not given me a wife. I had been promised as a young teenager, thatif I lived right, lived clean, serve the Lord, that he would bring the perfect Christian woman into my life to be my wife. As the years went by, the wife never appeared. My peers paired off and got married, Hosted dinner parties for other married couples, and went to Married couples activities. Should I have stood up and demanded that all couples not be recognized for their anniversaries? Should I have insisted that the church not host a sweetheart banquet, because I didn’t have a sweetheart?
After all “I had the equipment, just not the goods.”
As a man, I will never truly understand the emotion and plight of being a childless woman. As a childless man however I feel the longing to have a son or daughter of my own. So many fathers days have passed me by and I sat there alone. I truly hope that someday the Lord will give me a wife and short of my own, but until then, rather than rail against pastors, I think I will just keep on trusting the Lord, serving him, and knowing that whatever HE allows me to have, is best for me. Grown-up world isn’t like Little League soccer….. not everyone gets a trophy.
Amy said:
I’d say … maybe you could help start some singles activities if you think it’s a need 🙂
Doug said:
Amy,
If its ok with you, we’re planning to use your thoughts from point #2 as a responsive reading in our service on Sunday.
Thank you for articulating so clearly the wide spectrum of mothering.
We are better because you have done so.
Doug Page
Amy said:
Thanks Doug! I don’t know if you’ve seen the updated version on http://www.messymiddle.com/2013/05/09/10-ideas-for-pastors-on-mothers-day/
AVS said:
Thank you for your post. I am married and in my late 30s. I have been receiving so much criticism and judgment for not having or wanting to have children. People love to call people like me ‘selfish’ because it makes them feel better about themselves while also letting them off the hook for even trying to understand why someone might not want children. I am so tired of the holier than thou attitude that I get from every mother that I know. My sister in law looked at me the other day and said ‘some women just don’t have it in them’. There is no compassion for women who don’t want children, we are isolated and purposely made to feel like lesser beings. I don’t want children because my own mother and childhood was so awful that I can’t even imagine it. I grew up repeatedly being told how if she could do it over again she would never had had children. My mother was/is the most horrible person I have ever known. She has done irreversible harm to me that I will never recover from. I was made to feel so guilty and ashamed for my existence by her my entire life, and now I have to face men and women who try to shame me because I don’t have children. The pain never ends. It is not like I can say at dinner parties when acquaintances ask if we have children, ‘no, my mother is a horrible woman who made my life miserable so I have absolutely no instinct to be a mother.’ So, we smile politely and make up some reason. Then I get the judgment. It never ends.
Mary Cobb said:
Amy may we use this poem in our church service?
Amy said:
Yes! But there is an updated version at http://messymiddle.com … this website (wordpress) isn’t updated 🙂
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Rick Lamb said:
OK, I understand your words about what not to do on Mother’s Day, but this is a Pastor who has tried it almost every single way it can be done for 30 years. No matter what I do (stand/don’t stand; recognize/don’t recognize; aknowledge only mothers/all women; etc.) there are some who are still not happy. Some are not happy that I don’t recognize the distinctive role of those who actually are mothers and others are not happy that I even brought up the idea of Mother’s Day! It would be easier if people could just celebrate with those who celebrate and mourn with those who mourn without telling pastors one more way that we do it wrong. Inevitably there will be those who had a fight with their husband the morning before coming to church and they are mad and somehow think I took his side by recognizing mothers. UGH! Look at all of the posts in reaction to this article and tell me what to do this Sunday, please!
zoey hunt said:
Pastor Rick –Celebrate the ultimate Mother, the Mother of Jesus, and leave it at that. On Father’s Day celebrate our heavenly Father and leave it at that. All the rest seems a bit prideful and lacking compassion for others.
Everyone else ask yourself the question, if your Mother, Grandmother, or kids were taken away by death, how would you feel about Mother’s Day? Still want to celebrate? Ok, now think of those for whom that is a reality.
Scott W said:
Really? Seriously? Can’t celebrate Veterans Day in case we offend someone who lost a child/brother/sister/uncle/friend to combat…
How about we let the Holy Spirit lead and direct the preachers on what to preach, and we just mind our business and serve the Lord.
What’s next? No baptizing anyone because somebody lost a child to drowning?
I know that last statement was ridiculous, but come on, some of you are coming across some of the whiney-est and self-absorbed people ,I have ever heard from in my entire life.
student4now said:
I have been in services where motherhood is celebrated without making those who are not being celebrated feeling like they are being put down. Where motherhood itself is a celebration — and much like Veterans Day, or a Graduation — where it truly becomes a celebration .. not a put down of those who are not being celebrated.
But I have also been in Mother’s Day services where those who have experienced loss, have chosen not to have children, did not have good childhoods come out feeling like the left over scraps that not even the dog wanted …
For those who have never been on the receiving end of this kind of treatment, to make such statements such as “whiney” “grow up” is just plain bullying — and the reason the posts like this are necessary — if you can’t feel what someone else is feeling naturally — sometimes you must be told — and sometimes you must be told again and again —- it’s called empathy.
Kyle Vanover said:
Thank you for sharing this. I have never done the “please rise” thing for Mother’s Day. I’ve used the day to celebrate more than just motherhood, but womanhood, mentorship, “spiritual motherhood”, etc. But this helped me to think even bigger than that. The poem, especially, inspires me. Thanks!
Amelia said:
My response to this letter is that I feel the sentiment of it, and agree with what you are saying, Amy. To those who stand up for themselves because they are mothers and want to be honored, I say, who gave you your child(ren)? I know that you did conceived them, gave birth to them, raised them. But who is it who gives all men life? Who is it that dictates who becomes a mother, and who doesn’t? Only God’s grace has given you that gift, and you should honor Him. It’s great to be honored by others, but give honor where it is due. I have a wonderful mother, I had wonderful grandmothers, I know many, many moms who have done a good job. But the best mothers I have ever met are the ones who gave God the glory, and lived their lives not for themselves, or for their children, but for Him. Pardon me, mothers, if you feel like I just took away all your glory, but God took that away when Adam sinned, and we will not receive it again until we are at the mercy seat of God. So if you’re blessed by God in being a mother, give God the glory. If you have not been blessed with being a mother, give God the glory. That is our message, our life purpose. Those of you who are not Christians and don’t understand this, I pray that God will touch your heart, and the Holy Spirit would open the eyes and ears of your heart to listen and see Him.
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Daren Junker said:
Thank you. I plan to use this.
Janice Holladay said:
I mourn the loss of my mother although it’s been almost 25 years. That loss permeated my entire life and still is raw to me. I am saddened that the opportunity to have my own biological daughter never happened. I wanted to be a mother, but that biological opportunity was not granted me. I have mothered many. I was a teacher, and I am a therapist who works with abused children. I mother my beloved dogs and mother the wonderful world we’ve been given. It is a complicated day. To make it more difficult, I was born on Mother’s Day, so my birthday usually falls around Mother’s Day. I think it is important to recognize that women go through so many different experiences as “mothers” and with “mothers.” It is with mixed feelings that I celebrate this day, deep feelings.
Amy said:
Janice, the way you ended your comment summarizes it well — deep feelings. Mixed and deep. You nailed it with those words!
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Valerie said:
This is so full of good meaning … I cried because we are experiencing these hardships within in our family unit … The pain of wanting children and losing them to miscarriage and failed IVF is huge (even though I would be the grandmother of these badly wanted children) my heart aches every day for my daughter and her husband and I hope thus helps others the be understanding of the heartaches people have that cannot have children and so desperately want them. God Bless those women (and men)
Mother Marie said:
WoW! With all the responses here we have all proven one thing…that we have a love/hate painful relationship with mothers and mothering. Everyone’s feelings here are valid. I have been where each of you has walked both as a child and as an adult. Sorting through all our feelings is tricky but perhaps the best response is to TEACH one another that MOTHERING is about LOVING and teaching others to LOVE. Can we do that? And in the process of SHARING our JOYS and our PAINS can we do the most important thing TODAY? THANK OUR MOTHERS for teaching us to LOVE ONE ANOTHER. HONOR YOUR MOTHER TODAY…no matter where or who she is. And never, ever pretend that you gave BIRTH TO YOURSELF…unless you want to walk where she has walked. Happy Mothers’ Day to all you wonderful MOMS out there. And thank you to all the men and women who aren’t moms but whose hearts are in the right place. There’s a special day for EVERYONE. But today is HONOR YOUR MOTHERS DAY! Amen.
Ashley Copas said:
Our pastor read your post this morning to start his sermon.
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Laura said:
My pastor has every woman 21 and older Stand whether you have biological children or not because he recognizes that we are all mothers in some respect. As a nanny at 28 years old I appreciate it so much. He also includes that if you are a biological mother under 21 then to please stand as well, he doesn’t want to disclude anyone. Then each woman is presented with a gift. Last year was the first time I was at a church that celebrated Mother’s Day in this way and I cried. This year I was humbled and couldn’t wipe the grin off my face. I am a mother and I felt appreciated and celebrated.
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Tiffany said:
As a mother-to-be, expecting our first child, I was thrilled beyond belief to be able to be recognized as a mother in church. And honestly, I believe I downright deserve being honored (not in a prideful way) because just growing this child inside me is the MOST exhausting thing I have ever done. However, I understand the pain some women must go through especially on this day. So while I think that mothers should be recognized, I also think every woman out there should as well. Women in general have a mothering instinct, so whether or not we choose to have children or don’t have any because of circumstances outside our will, I can gaurantee you we have mothered someone at some point-our husband, our sick friend, the children down the street, our pets, our pastor, heck, even our mailman! God designed women to have this instinct inside of us and THAT is what needs to be recognized!
Maria Campos Seeger said:
I told my daughter I was not going to comment on this, but I find I just have to. I’m with those who are offended by this post. I’m a mother of two. In reading these comments I get the feeling that the author wouldn’t have a problem with her pastor doing away with Mother’s Day altogether or water it down in such a generic way that it becomes meaningless. I’ll tell you what the ideal solution is for those of you who resent the so-called special treatment that mothers get for the few minutes each year that the church recognizes them: Suggest that the pastor let the congregation put it to a vote whether or not to celebrate Mother’s Day *and* Father’s Day in the first place. Better yet, why not combine the two holidays and make it a Parents’ Day? Oh wait, we can’t do that either because we have to be sensitive to those people who aren’t parents.
And yes, I read the whole original post. I was not impressed. If it makes me sound selfish and insensitive so be it. I’m sure I’ll get a nice comment from the author anyway. But please don’t insult my intelligence by saying :”But nobody is trying to take away Mother’s Day in the church!” when that’s exactly what some people are proposing. And as others have said…and the author has so roundly ignored, probably because she feels the point is irrelevant, but it’s not: If we’re going to make women feel guilty for being mothers, or give them some self-righteous sanctimonious sermon like Amelia has, why not carry it even further? For example, let’s not have a Senior breakfast, as someone pointed out or recognize the accomplishments of those who will be graduating in June, lest we hurt the feelings of the students who are going to have to go to summer school and won’t be able to march with their class. It’s not irrelevant. This is precisely what this post implies…the author can’t have children, and Mother’s Day makes her uncomfortable, therefore it’s the Church’s responsibility to make her feel better by making Mothers feel guilty for wanting to be recognized.
My final statement: Leave it to the congregation. Let THEM decide by a democratic process whether or not there should be a Mother’s Day celebration in the church and let the congregation live with whatever choice they make. It seems the fair thing to do. Thank you very much for your time. And by the way, my own mother, may she rest in peace, was no angel, but she was *my* mother, and in my culture we honor our mothers. Recall that the Bible says “Honor your mother and father, that your days may be long in the land.”
I’d like to know how minimizing the celebration for the sake of avoiding hurting the feelings of those who can’t be mothers or have issues with it is honoring that commandment.
Amy said:
Maria, while it’s true that some might want to do away with Mother’s Day, that was (as you know based on your comment), not my intention. However, in the wide spectrum of opinions (wink!), there is plenty of room for this one :). Thanks for commenting, Maria. Amy
Tammy said:
Wow, Maria – you are obviously blaming the author (AMY) for everyone else’s comments. The bottom line — the intent of her letter — was to please stop putting the mothers ON DISPLAY by standing. Period. She asked that there be another way to honor mothers without hurting others. I can think of numerous examples of how churches change a practice to avoid hurting others — accommodating the hearing impaired, accommodating the physically and mentally disabled, accommodating the visually impaired — none of these acts minimize ANYTHING to those who do not have those needs. Yet it makes a huge difference to those who do.
As I mentioned in a previous post, our church honored all mothers with a round of applause. NO ONE, I repeat NO ONE, was put on display by standing and all yet mothers were honored. We are also to be humble in our attitudes and pride is a sin. So one could state that standing in pride to receive accolades could in and of itself be a sin.
Don’t judge Amy or demean and insult her based on the comments of others. Those of us who have experienced the hurt can understand and appreciate her letter. Those of us who haven’t, seem very quick to judge, demean, insult, condemn.
As many others have noted — Mother’s Day was created (I researched it a few years ago) for the sole purpose of honoring one’s own mother — not for those who are mothers to stand and be honored by everyone else. Unfortunately, society has decided that since not all children will honor their mother (and/or father), then WE as society have to fill in so their feelings don’t get hurt. So the standing/honoring/recognizing ALL mothers in general was created in order not to hurt anyone’s feelings. So everyone has it backwards — it has evolved to women being put on display to stand up BECAUSE of the very reasons many are condemning — society didn’t want to hurt someone’s feelings by being left out on Mother’s Day because their child/ren don’t honor them. It’s just that some want it to go back to the true roots of Mother’s Day and not be the public spectacle it has become in some venues.
John Ballenger said:
Thank you for your heartfelt article. In Romans 12:15 it commands us to rejoice with those who rejoice and to mourn with those who mourn. To down play Mother’s day because of those who hurt, would not be biblical. To not care enough to hurt with those who hurt on Mother’s day, would not be biblical either. Balance is the key here. Blessings!
Amy said:
Thanks John for your comment! I agree 🙂
steve said:
As a pastor I am very careful in my mothers day sermon prep. It is a hard day for many reasons. Some do not feel they have been good mothers, some feel they didn’t have that good mother, others suffer because of the inability to have children, some have lost children, others have lost mothers, some deal with the regret of abortion. Yes mother hood is a reason to rejoice and it does have a place in worship. The balance is not found in being politically correct but in worship. Worship is our response to God and corporate worship is the church responding together. Together we cry, together we rejoice, together we comfort, together we celebrate. Mothers day is a wonderful time to celebrate those who have been motherly and those mothered. We can recognize that God is motherly and is there for us during our hurts to comfort us just like a mother. Scripture celebrates mothers and so should the church. I know every sermon I preach has the potential to leave someone out. I try to remember the reason for preaching is to proclaim the gospel (Paul says preach Christ Crucified) and continue the work of preparing the saints for service to the world. Part of that is to train the church to be salve for the injured and hurting in our world. I say salve because some hurt remain but can be soothed the only complete healing for the hurting soul is Christ Jesus my Lord.
As a therapist I know that the two busiest weeks of the year are the weeks after Mothers Day and the weeks revivals in our town. So to say there is no hurting from this is denial of humanity. It also indicates the willingness for Christians to be cannibals. And just think, if there is so much hurting in the church, imagine the pain in the world. The world needs the church to be Christ to them. How can we do that if we keep intentionally injuring one another? There have been many reply’s attacking Bob and others because of their views as well as harsh words spoken towards those who are hurting. Are we really all heading on the same journey together? Just apologize, repent, and let it go. Christ paid such a high price for us yet we spend so much effort wallowing in the mud. Cant we focus on the Missio Dei instead of the misery of the (mothers) day?
Tracey said:
Well, Steve, that is a very “pastoral” response which I think misses some of the point. I’m childless not by choice and the day is painful for many and to simply gloss over that with “just apologize, repent, and let it go” is very long on sermon but short on compassion. Bob’s comments are cruel. I’m not saying Bob himself is cruel, but we’re all capable of unkindness and his comments here have been unkind. He clearly doesn’t understand the issue at all and, were this my blog, I would ban him from further comment. Is Bob likely to apologize for his callous comments? I don’t think so. You know, I think it’s pretty hard for even the most sensitive man to understand this issue for a woman. That’s why I think there should be no Mother’s Day sermons or Father’s Day sermons for that matter. I don’t need a man addressing what he *thinks* the issues are surrounding Mother’s Day. because, again, I think he will miss the mark, not because he’s a terrible person or stupid or anything like that, but simply by virtue of his “maleness.” The totality of the issue will elude him. These holidays ARE Hallmark inventions, not biblical inventions, and because of that, I think the honoring of mothers should be left to the people they serve: their families. Personally, I would prefer a pastor get up and say this and only this: “Happy Mother’s Day. I hope you all enjoy the celebration with your families today.” It’s a subtle way to say, “Let’s keep these as private celebrations for private service to one’s family.” If I *were* a mother, I wouldn’t need and entire church full of people whom I *don’t* serve as a mother applauding me; I wouldn’t need a rose from the greeter at the door. I would be content enough to have a little TLC from the family *I actually serve.* I would love to sit down with you as a pastor and share our childless journey and the journey of many others whom I’ve heard from over the years as a blogger who blogs frequently on this issue. Women who walk this role walk in silent grief. It’s not constant, but it does come up frequently. Our Christian brothers and sisters need to understand this IS bona fide grief, despite the fact that there was no one tangible to grieve over. There was to us. We experience grief over our dream of what life was supposed to be — the very mainstream life that others live. We grieve the *profound* loss of the state of motherhood and fatherhood in our lives. Since you’re a therapist, I would think you would understand that aspect better than most perhaps. I’m a little disappointed to hear a pastors words here essentially rebuking people for their sorrow. If you didn’t make Mother’s Day such a church event — which it was never intended to be — there would be less sorrow for many on that day. There would be more women like me who might show up on church on that day rather than stay home because we don’t want to be Debbie Downers for the moms on that day. I would ask you to consider letting GO of the Mother’s Day sermon next year and letting FAMILIES honor their mothers.
To answer your pointed question at the end: Cant we focus on the Missio Dei instead of the misery of the (mothers) day?
Yes. We could. And can you as a pastor focus on the Missio Dei on that day rather than “Mother’s Day”?
I say this as gently as I can, knowing tone is hard to convey in writing, but your sermons to a select group of people on that day *are* part of the problem. Why don’t you hold a special event the week of Mother’s Day that is just for mothers and leave the Sunday sermon alone? That way, if you feel the church needs to honor mothers, they would be honored — separately — and everyone could feel included in church that Sunday.
One final thing: I would ask you to consider not throwing around the phrase “apologize, repent, and let it go.” It’s not always that easy and it minimizes the struggle many have doing those very things. Life is messy. It’s no less messy when you’re a Christian.
MOTHER NANHI said:
A FEW OBSERVATION AND THOUGHTS about MOTHERING:
I am a mother. I appreciate when my children or anyone else recognizes that I often do things for FREE for which I am never thanked by people.
But as MOTHER TERESA once said, ” DO IT ANYWAY.”
“Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you’ve got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway.”
TO ALL OF US there still lies a challenge ahead. How do we treat and properly recognize the MOTHERS? If we weep on Mothers Day or any other day because we miss our mothers or long for the opportunity to have children of our very own, we are STILL SAYING THE SAME THING.
MOTHERHOOD is a PLACE OF HIGH HONOR.
Perhaps we should see Christ on the Cross saying to John:
” Son, behold your mother. Mother behold your son. ”
I am thankful that after my son died other young men have come into my life not to replace him but to comfort me. THANK YOU JESUS for your love and for meeting me and everyone here in their JOY and in their SORROW.
For truly, ” Weeping may endure for a night, but JOY comes in the MORNING…”
Let us comfort the mothers who have lost their children, the children who have lost their mothers.
Let us rejoice that GOD MADE MOTHERS and sent them here for us if only for a little while.
It has been said that GOD could not be everywhere and SO HE MADE MOTHERS. : )
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Catherine noble said:
Just came across this today…mothers day takes many of us through many different emotions, for various reasons. I recently heard my husband share with someone that this was the first year he enjoyed Mother’s Day in a long time. He interviewed children as to what their mothers appreciated and then what made them angry…risky…but fun. We watched their honesty and then all mothers were asked to stand , and then other women were asked to join them and sing together a hymn while the children handed out roses to those who chose to stay standing…not sure how everyone felt…but it was good.
i realized my husband was at a new stage in mourning for his mother who he lost around Mother’s Day years ago, after she lost her second fight with cancer. I knew his loss, understood his need to work through it on his own, and thankful for him for realizing this is a special day that means something different to each person. Over the years he has been able to chat with understanding when others talk about their struggles…and to prayer with and for them. God, undertakes, and he knows healing takes time. We need to pray with compassion for our family members who have very different experiences….especially if we do not understand what they are going through. Grief is a very long process, and is not easy.
Amy, Thank you for your thoughtful reminder so we can choose to be mindful and caring to others, honouring Christ in the efforts to be kind to others on special days of recognition, and throughout each year!
Amy said:
Catherine … I simply love your name!
zquiet said:
I am truly grateful to the holder of this
web site who has shared this enormous article at at this time.
jaci said:
Normally, I wouldn’t be the one to butt in. But being an oncology mom this past year, I’ve seen a lot of my friends kids pass away. #11)Please don’t forget the moms who have had to bury their children
Yvette Johnston said:
Amy, is this thread still open? I, too, suffered from infertility & failed adoptions for over 15 years. I too didn’t go to church on Mother’s Day. I also left town the 1st Thanksgiving that my (much-younger) sister became a Mother.
Why are there men commenting on this thread anyway? The “suck it up” mentality just doesn’t work.
Praise God I am a very blessed Mother, via adoption, and have been for eight years now. To God be the glory!
Tony Tazt said:
My mothers visitation took place on mother’s day. By the grace of God I was happy that others had their mother. My wife and I have been married over 15 years and yes I think we should have considered having children, but now it appears it is too late.
I think the letter does show a victim mentality that has infested the church. “Nobody else can a bit of recognition because I can’t have it or…”
I guess there should be no more graduations, no victory parties, no baby showers – I can’t have a baby.
I should never attend a retirement party, because I don’t have the years left to retire from a corporation or government career.
I imagine there shouldn’t be any children’s choir because I don’t have a child in it and “can’t you see that hurts”.
You may think that these scenarios are ridiculous, but if I were to see them this way then my criticism is just as valid as the author of this blog.
Maybe it is good that some don’t have children – because it is clear to see that it is all about them. I wish I could go back, but I am not about holding someone else back either.